Help!

Well going off of what you said it sounds like you're pretty comfortable with what's between your legs, am I right? Not only that but if you didn't get any sort of excitement or relief by wearing woman's clothes I think you might be over thinking it. But I can not label you or tell you how you identify, only you know if you're a man in a man's body, or a woman in a man's body.
Also, when you dressed up as a girl and had boobs, did you feel complete? Or did you not feel anything either.?

On a side note sometmes I hear my cisgendered sister claiming how she hates being a girl; and rants on how guys have it easier. Something I would say, but she is definitely not trans*. I feel like it's sort of similar to you wishing you were a girl.

Whether you're trans* or not, don't worry about it too much. Just relax and take your time on this.

 

One thing to think about too is that many people, myself included, believe that gender is a spectrum. There are many people out there that consider themselves trans* but decide not to transition, or only transition partway. If you havnt already, id check out the post on transgender terms and see if anything fits. One question that was asked of me was how I pictured myself in five years. Its been helping me to work things out and maybe it will help you too.

 

Well it sounds more like OCD just from what you've described. A preoccupation with having your penis damaged isn't really the same as feeling it shouldn't be there and is more something you'd see in OCD or an anxiety issue, especially since you seem to be worried about losing it.

With that said, you could still be trans* even if you're happy with what's between your legs, but you're asking yourself the wrong questions just focusing on that. Are you happy with people treating you as a man? Do you have a desire to relate to people as a woman?

 

This is what I did. Put labels aside for a minute. Then, just imagine that every person in your life will be 100% behind you no matter what you do.

Alright? Now, first off. Your clothes and the way you present yourself. Do you want to see yourself as a woman? If this sounds like you, there are clothes (admittedly a lot of them run in the glitz and glamor direction) and prosthetic you can wear that can do this for you. It's not easy with a male body, but this is doable.

It could be the case that you just need to see yourself as a woman at home, or even with your partner in the bedroom. And that's completely cool. One thing I've heard of people doing is getting a P.O. box (they're like $20) and shopping online for women's clothes.

One thing you can do if you want to take baby steps going out in public is called "underdressing". A lot of people can be cross dressed head to toe, make up and everything, and if you wear the right jacket and carry yourself the right way you'll still be read as male as long as you need to be. This is where I'm at a lot of the time. It's like being a superhero

Otherwise the hugest part of solving that problem is going to have to come from within. I mean start slow, but if you feel like you want to be a woman in public it's going to have to take you fighting with your own hesitation to just reach out in a department store, put a pair of size 13 cigarette heels on the ground, and try them on. A lot of people, trans or not, can tell you how rewarding it can be when you've broken one of society's little taboos and found out it's really no big deal. But it takes a lot of work on your willpower to get there.

Two other things you can do to improve your ability to pass as a woman without destroying your ability to pass as a man, are working on your voice, and zapping off your facial hair. The second is fairly expensive, but the first is completely free. Youtube is full of videos where women will help you with your voice. It takes a lot of time and practice. It helps if you don't have to use your male voice very often.

So this coming up is the part that you would normally call trans. But please keep the label put aside for a little longer.

Now, if you feel like you need medicine because who you are inside is causing a really bad feeling related to your gender, then you might want to talk to a therapist with the goal of getting hormones. This is more intense for some people, but even if it's not intense a therapist might still be a good person to talk to.

I think what's called "gender dysphoria" is a personal thing and different for everyone. For me it's a complicated feeling, but the best way I can describe it is a really powerful "fight or flight" level of stress coupled with a feeling like I'm just worthless and something to be ashamed of, and a little bit of "everything in the world is a million miles away" thrown in. Two of the things that would set off this feeling would be some things my partner and I did in the bedroom, and shopping with her. Although now that I'm shopping for me and I'm not just following her around like a puppy, shopping has become less of something I dread and more of something I look forward to doing now.

Hormones affect your brain. Your emotions and impulses will become more feminine, and for a lot of us, more natural. Going the male-to-female direction, they'll probably decrease your libido. Your emotional responses will be a lot more girly.

As far as your body, they will shrink your genitals, you will give off female pheromones, your breasts will increase in size, you will probably end up sterile eventually (but if you don't get SRS, you will probably still be able to have sex), and they'll redistribute your fat so you'll look more generally female.

MtF hormones can carry some serious risks. The most serious is something I have a phobia of anyway. I'm terrified of embolisms (and something divers get called "the bends") and guess what. That's the risk. An embolism is a bubble in your blood that travels through your veins and stops your heart and lungs from working. The specific kind you'd have to worry about is called "DVT", where the bubble is made out of a leg blood clot. There's also a big risk to your liver. However, there are safer ways to take hormones, and if you do it under the care of an endocrinologist (endo for short) you should be fine. If you exercise already, you should keep doing it.

So so far, I've just asked three questions:

Do you need to present to yourself or your bedroom partner as female, and

Do you need to present as female to other people, and

Do you think hormones would be a good idea, knowing what you know about them now.

For people that do decide on hormones, they are in a position where their body is appearing less and less masculine as time goes on, and the way they act is becoming (or returning to being) more naturally feminine. Once you're here, there are more questions.

Would I like to have sex with someone without having to explain my body used to be male? Or am I comfortable explaining my male sex organs to the right partner? SRS (sex reassignment surgery) can be expensive if done right, and isn't realistic for everyone. For some people it's definitely worth it.

Would I like to use the bathroom without fear of discovery? Or am I skilled enough at hiding things that this is not an issue? Bear in mind that hormones do make this less of a problem even without surgery.

Is cosmetic surgery worth it if it means people see me as a woman? And is it realistic? FFS (facial feminization surgery) can go a long away, but surgeries can only ever go so far.

And this one is the tricky one. Take back the very first thing I said, if you have a partner, and imagine that they are not 100% behind you. How would you negotiate that? Would you be able to keep your relationship? Are there any of the things above that you can compromise on? Because you will be asked to.

Don't assume you can make your partner understand or appeal to reason. Revealing you are trans to a partner, even a bisexual partner, is a huge emotional blow. They are going to feel like you are talking about taking their loved one away. Some partners are supportive, but you have to give them space and understanding.

The coming out advice for gay men in straight relationships right here has been really helpful for me. Coming out as trans isn't easier even if you both have sexual attraction to each other, because sex is only part of a relationship, and your partner might be sexually attracted to you NOW and not after transition. Some couples do survive and make it work. I made the mistake of treating the relationship like it was doomed from the get go. If the roles were reversed I would definitely have ended the romantic part and just supported my partner as a close friend as he lost his female body and gained his male body. But that's not what happened. My cis female partner who is happy with her body chose to stay with me and eventually be half of a gay relationship with me. So don't go in with any expectations.

And coming out is just as hard on couples that are gay before transition, as it is ones that are gay after.

So that's what I would do. Basically, ask yourself exactly what you need to do, and then go for that and ignore the rest.