So, for a while I thought that I was ftm, but now Im not so sure. I know I'm not a girl, but I don't think I'm a guy either. I do wish that I was born a guy. I want to be a cis male and that's never going to happen. But since I'm not a cis male, I don't feel like I could actually transition. I don't really look girly at all. But I've never been mistaken for a boy. I don't really know why people never question my gender. People just know that I'm a girl. People don't even think I'm gay. It's really frustrating. I wear jeans, sometimes guys jeans, unisex t shirts and unisex hoodies, and I bind. I don't get it. My hair is pretty short too. I don't even know what I want anymore and there's no way I can get therapy. I hate my body. Anything that's girly about it, and I'm afraid that I would never be comfortable with sex because I'm so ashamed of my female body. And I'm afraid that nobody would ever understand that. And hormones. I absolutely hate my female voice. I always have. When I hear my voice recorded, it makes me cringe. I would love it to be deeper. But I'm not so sure that I want facial hair. I would like thicker hair on my legs and arms, but idk... I'm ranting but I just really need advice.
Honestly, I feel as though I am in a very similar position. Most of what you've said applies to what im going through. It sounds like you might be androgynous but towards the male end of the spectrum? Its damn hard but try to focus on who you are inside, not what you look like. It sounds like from what you've said that you would benfit from therapy, why is there no way you can get it? Personally im starting therapy very soon and I really think that it will help me sort through a lot of this. Maybe theres a friend or a teacher your close to that you could talk to instead? I've found that talking to someone face to face about these isues is the best way to work through them. It may take you risking coming out to someone and hopeing they will be ok with it to be able to have someone in your corner. Also, though to some I know it will sound cheesy and all, ill admit im a total hippie, but try meditation. There are plenty of resources online that tell you how to do general meditation so I wont go into that, but once you get that down try to focus your mental gender. Meditation allows us to ignore all of what is going on around us and focus solely on whats going on inside. By meditating you can essentially create a safe space inside your own head away from your dysphoria where any emotion about your gender is accepted and you can try to understand it. What i do is, once i have relaxed and been focusing on my breathing for a while, I try to imagine myself as male or female, or androgynous, or whatever representation I feel like and pay attention to what feelings that image brings up. Think about those feelings, pay attention to all of them, and try to understand what they mean. Did imagining myself that way make me feel happy, anxious, upset, relaxed? Simply allowing those feelings to come to the surface and payed attention to can really help understanding what makes you feel most comfertable. This has really helped me a lot. Lifting weights, journaling, and ignoring my depression and dysphoria only gets me so far and sometimes I need to sit down and really pay attention to what im feeling in a way where i dont let the negetive feelings overwhelm me. I hope this helps. Just take it one step at a time and good luck!
I kind of feel the same, but opposite. I want to be a girl, but since I was born a guy, I don't think I could make the transition. I also hate my deep voice. I guess after thinking about it, I don't really associate with any gender. I'm just me. And that's okay. You don't have to completely associate with one gender or the other.
Why not? It sounds like it could really help you. And if you're worried about telling people how you feel, you don't need to explain why you're in therapy, and the therapist is legally forbidden from telling.
Yeah, sounds a bit like me here. I am more comfortable with myself as a male, but 'something' still seems lacking. It might be that it's my older self still protesting, or it could be something deeper. I'm thinking about it a lot, and seeing if I can figure out what feels best. I hate my body as well. I don't feel that much like being in the wrong body, but more like in a body that never ages, that hasn't gone through puberty (which might very well be true, because as a female my body seems 'stuck' in pre-puberty phase as well). If I look at the guys of my age and then look at myself I almost have to cry. I look like a little kid. I dislike my female parts as well, but mostly I just don't think about it. It's there, and that's it. Female private parts aren't that... obviously present as male ones. But anyway, I wish you good luck with finding out your true gender. You're not alone! *hugs*
