I don't know where to go. I figured I was set with the presumption that I am male. I'm a guy in a female body. No ifs, ands or suggestions contradicting that thought. I keep ticking back and forth, wondering if this is worth it. Wondering if I'm dysphoric enough to even be considered trans. Wondering if maybe I'd be okay with living as a masculine female innstead of spending beaucoup bucks on hormones and surgery; not to mention countless efforts and my sanity. My mother expressed to me that I even showed signs of GID when I was 18 months old, and how picking out clothing for me was a struggle because I'd scream and cry if I had been forced in a dress. My childhood pictures showcase a young boy, with short hair, camo shorts, scrapes and scabs. Not a little girl. Not the Chania or Chany my parents know but rather the Shan, or CJ that I know. But I've felt on and off for years, pondering if I just happen to like taking a masculine roll because I identified as a lesbian, or if I'm really male. I have the evidence to support my "transgender thoughts" (I fucking hate how this has to be validated for some peculiar, arbitrary reason - just makes the struggle even harder for me), but it doesn't really mean much. I guess what I'm trying to get at, is my internalized transphobia. I think it's preventing me from wanting to go through with transitioning or living as male because of the hatred. I was already shoved into a few times at a shop a few days ago and called a faggot. I've has waitresses "forget" my menu and silverware when I'm going out to lunch with my mother. I've had cashiers and librarians misgender me and hear snickers by people from behind or given dirty looks. I'm feeling as if I'm trying to deny myself as trans because I don't want to deal with the alienation or solitude brought by my gender identity. I've already segregated contact with some friends due to it, and the rest think I'm either lying or I need some serious help. It seems like everyone hates me. The world is against me and I don't need anymore intolerance. I don't know where to turn. I'm probably not going to be too happy if I live as female for the rest of my life, but it bothers me severely that I wasn't born male. When I had sex for the first time a few days ago, the dysphoria was incredible and I didn't want to continue. I didn't feel comfortable within my own skin. I'm sure if I had a penis, if I had testosterone naturally produced in my body, if the biochemistry were right and I had those wonderful XY chromosomes, I'd be happier than a pig in shit. Unfortunately, life didn't roll that way and I now I have to fuck around with gender markers, surgery, hormones, the whole deal. Not to mention society and potentially getting my ass beat. I wonder if transitioning is even worth it. It seems like such a struggle for something that isn't even validated by most people because of the "if it's got a penis it belongs in the boys room and if it's got a vagina it belongs in the girls room" mentality. I'll never be a real guy, so what's the point. I'm utterly confused and suicidal at the moment and have been contemplating not having to deal with shit like this at all and letting go. I'm becoming some introverted, loner, agoraphobic person because I don't want to deal with the brutality anymore. If I were taller and looked male, sure, I'd have no problem. But I can't pass worth a shit and it's obvious that I'm either trans or just come off across as a hermaphrodite. It's pointless as hell. I wish I were born male. Holy fuck why couldn't I have been born male...
Hey CJ, Don't give up man. You know I'd swap you chromosomes any day of the week if I could. And believe me I know how much dysphoric sex sucks ass It's been really awesome having you to talk to on here. Sometimes I have to take a break from the trans stuff too. I mean some days, it's just easier for me to go back to being a guy, now that I'm detached from it. It's really amazing, on one side of being trans you think "well okay, I mean everyone I know seems to be cool and accepting and it's 2013 etc" and then you step on the other side, and shit just gets real. People are just way less tolerant when it's someone they know. But you are more of a guy than I've ever been. Even if you never get any hormones or medical help. I figured out how to act like a guy pretty early on but it's always been an act. On those meyers briggs thingies, I started getting "E"s instead of "I"s for the first time ever after just being a girl around other people like once a week for a few weeks. I think that's the most important thing to me. Just dropping the trans label and forgetting about everything that comes with it, all I really want is being me around other people and being okay with who I am. That's it. When I am it is just fucking amazing. Everything else, it's like I'm just waiting to come up for air again. If I never get any hormones or any surgeries or half the people in my life just think I'm crazy, as long as I know who I am and I'm cool with it and just get rid of that stupid "everything girly is bad; I'm a girl deep down; therefore deep down I suck" feeling for good, and just act like myself around other people, I'll take it. A full on female body would be nice, being able to enjoy sex other than (don't wanna TMI) me going down on a girl would be nice, being able to use the bathroom without fear would be nice, but if it doesn't end up happening, it doesn't change the woman underneath. I mean it's hard as hell trying to find people that will accept you for who you are. Honestly I have a single cis straight friend, and she's on instant messenger. Well and my dad who I met for the first time ever last year; it feels like we've known each other for a long time but we don't have a very close relationship yet. Everyone else is trans and at weekly meetings. But the more I'm around them as myself, the better about everything I feel and the less fucked no matter what I do I feel. I don't care if you ever get a chance to transition, you are cool as shit and I'm glad I know you. You stick around and I'll do the same thing. Fair? (*hug*) I'm gonna find something fun to do today that's less addictive than Tetris. I've become the worst addict again.
Sorry I feel like I didn't answer the question though. Basically though that's how I deal with it when it comes up. It's a lot easier for that internalized transphobia to get me when I'm in boy mode. I'm a lot more vulnerable to those "what the hell am I getting myself into" thoughts then. And other people kinda giving me positive feedback about me being in my true gender helps a LOT. But when I'm obviously a girl (or at least I feel like I am) and everyone around me is treating me like a girl, and it would take effort to go back to the male role again, then I realize it wasn't worth getting all bent out of shape over. It's still terrifying when I hear about bad things happening to us. Someone got beaten near where I live recently But I mean, that kind of fear is what kept me in the closet this long, and it's gonna get worse if I feed it. I'm the kind of person that would rather go fighting, you know? I mean I don't have it in my nature to hurt anyone but I definitely have it in me to defend myself. Plus I kinda let the genie out of the bottle; at best I'd be a really queer boy if I did try to maintain it all the time anyway. At least now that I have "girl mode" and "boy mode" I can keep up the act when I need to without one bleeding into the other. So as safe as it feels to go back to my original gender role, I know it's not really. "If you're going through hell keep going". I'd rather face all the BS adversity as myself instead of a half-assed version.
