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Working stuff out

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by climbingivy, Apr 23, 2013.

  1. climbingivy

    Regular Member

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    I've been questioning my gender for a while now. Maybe two years. Right now I'm feeling pretty stuck in my progress of figuring myself out.

    Lately I've started buying guy's underwear and wearing men's pants from time to time. They make me feel safe and comfortable. I just started working at an office and I hate getting dressed for work because office clothes tend to be so heavily gendered.

    Sometimes I get pretty dysphoric about my breasts and just want them gone. Other times I kind of like them and want to show them off. In terms of genitalia I think I'd prefer to have guy's parts, but then I think maybe I'd miss my girl parts, too. It's like I wish I could press a button and switch back and forth when I wanted to.

    I'm a performer and I've started playing more guys on stage. I'm an improviser so I can choose what characters I play on any given night. It feels freeing to play dudes on stage. But I still like my lady characters, too.

    I also draw a lot and when I draw without thinking my characters tend to be men or boys. I think it's maybe sort of a projection of my inner self.

    I think about transitioning a lot, but I'm afraid of the permanency of it. I don't think I'd want facial hair. I shave my underarms and legs and like the feeling of that, so I kind of dread the idea of growing more body hair. When I think of my ideal body it's very androgynous, but with male parts, I guess.

    Some drunk girl called me "sir" the other day and it felt terrible. My first reaction was to, like, slap her or something (of course I didn't). I've been gently trying to figure out why it felt so terrible. If it was because I'm afraid it's socially unacceptable for me to be seen as male, or because it struck a dissonant chord with what I feel inside.

    Inside I feel like a little boy most of the time. When I check in with myself through out the day there's something very masculine hiding underneath. I've tried seeing myself as a man and it's kind of too much or something. When I go for a while acknowledging those masculine feelings and playing into them then something very female starts screaming at me to come out.

    All of my role models growing up were female, but I wonder if I had been born biologically male if that would be different. Growing up I always admired women who pretended to be men or were super tom-boyish. Like the girl who hung out with the gang in West Side Story or Joan of Arc.

    I do yoga and some other movement based classes and sometimes I meditate. When I reach a calm state of comfort with myself I can sometimes catch a glimpse of this beautiful person who lives between and outside of gender. But then my mind starts plaguing me with what to do about my body because I'm kind of curvy and that doesn't feel right.

    Also, I somewhat recently began coming out as not being straight. I think I'm basically bisexual homoromantic (I fall in love with women, but am sexually attracted to both, with a strong leaning towards men). When I started letting myself feel attraction towards women and when I get that falling in love or crushing on someone feeling it's like, "Oh, that's where my femininity went." I feel super girly at those times.

    Recently I told some friends that I am questioning my gender and they were super supportive, if not even excited. That felt really great and I'm so glad to have people like that around me. I wish that I could just bounce around between genders. But I get so dysphoric sometimes that I wonder if I'll have to do something surgically. I've been losing weight and that is alleviating a good deal of the dysphoria for now.

    I guess I'm just not really sure where to go from here. Does this sound familiar to anyone?
     
  2. GhostOfRazgriz

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    I kind of feel like that. I'm a male who wants to be a female, but I probably won't ever make the transition. So I try to associate myself outside of gender, which is definitely possible. I go to the Male Bathroom in public not because I'm a male, but because I have male parts; and other things like that. Who you are on the inside is not necessarily reflected by who you are on the outside.
     
  3. Ronin

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    That's awesome that your friends are so supportive. I relate to feeling like a little boy inside - I just feel like I haven't hit puberty yet, so it might be a little different from you. I've also been thinking of myself as with a male body but being androgynous lately. It's interesting that it bothered you being called "sir". I remember one time when I was a kid a lady at McDonalds said, "I know you're a girl because you have such long eyelashes". Apparently if I had short eyelashes I'd have gotten a boy's prize in the kids meal. Lol whatever. (I always liked those toys better anyways >.>) But it bothered me because I knew something was very wrong and confusing. I just didn't know exactly what it meant at the time. Of course, only you will know what your case means to you.
    Anyways, all that to say, I hear ya. What if you were just to experiment with things? Going toward whatever feels most natural at the time? Just see where it takes you?
     
  4. Exoskeleton

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    I too find your reaction to being called "sir" interesting. I used to get "sir"ed quite a lot (it happens less now, largely because my breasts are unhidable and I talk more). Back then, the only reason it bothered me was because I knew it was fuel for my classmates to taunt me ("You're so ugly, you look like a boy!"). Now that I have higher self esteem and a close group of friends, I'm actually a little flattered when people tell me I look like a boy. Like I've won at something, even though there was never a contest.

    My dysphoria never quite goes away. It just waxes and wanes. Some days I want to take a knife to my breasts and pee in a urinal with the penis I wish I had. Other days, my disdain for my body isn't at the forefront of my mind and I can relax into it a little.

    I don't have things sorted out for myself. I really don't want to transition completely right now. Part of it is because I'm clinging to the future where I bear a child. Part of it is because I know my current significant other is straight, and so likes that I'm female. Part of it is because I know my family would be so, so disappointed in me. Part of it is that I'm not sure that I want to lose some of the social benefits of being female. And part of it is that uncertainty that I really am what I think I am.

    So yeah, your story sounds a little familiar. But I don't think I'm any farther along than you are. I'm thinking of being both for a few years. Living my days as male or female based on how dysphoric I feel that day.

    I typed this on my phone. Sorry for any spelling mistakes.
     
  5. climbingivy

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    Thank you all for your responses. Ronin, that Happy Meal story is funny. I used to have to fight with my mom to get the boy's toy. Hot Wheels were way better than Barbies :slight_smile:

    I feel like the advice to play around in between for a while fits pretty well right now. I'm considering finding a new gender-neutral name for myself, as my name, though not particularly gendered, has never felt right.

    "Part of it is that I'm not sure that I want to lose some of the social benefits of being female."
    This is totally and issue that I am working through as well. Despite all the sexist crap that still happens, there are somethings that are just easier as a woman.

    GhostOfRazgriz, I'm going to try associating myself outside of gender for a while, as you said, and see what happens. Maybe it will give me a bird-eye view of myself, or maybe I'll discover that's where I'm most comfortable.

    Thanks guys!