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Is this typical of how lesbians feel?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by thinthinline, Apr 27, 2013.

  1. thinthinline

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    I'm still in the process of figuring out my orientation, and I was wondering if this is typical to feel this way if you're a lesbian.

    When I think about having sex with a guy, the whole idea of it seems foreign and actually strange.

    When I think about intimacy/basically being naked with a girl, it seems like ok, this is safe. It's familiar. And therefore doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. [this is hypothetical, I have never been physically intimate with a girl in any way] I can't tell if I feel this way because a girl's body is like mine and that is familiar, or if it's because SHE IS A GIRL.

    The idea of sex with a guy just seems...weird.

    Is this typical of how lesbians feel about sex w/ the opposite gender vs. the same gender?

    Also, I am very thin, and part of what spurred my questioning is that I realized when I would pick out what I was wearing, I would worry that T-shirts instead of frilly stuff would make me look like a lesbian because I am thin to the point of having no shape. I was literally worried I looked lesbian. I would put something on and look in the mirror and think "No..this won't work. I look lesbian." I realized after a few months of worrying about that pretty often that straight people probably don't worry they look lesbian, unless they ARE lesbian. Right? Has anyone else done this?

    I also have been offended in the past when close guy friends have flirted with me. It's like, no...you're supposed to be my friend. I don't know if it's because it's in the friend territory already, or if I just don't feel comfortable with guys seeing me that way. Except for one guy ever, guys feeling that way about me makes me feel uneasy.

    Lastly, I've only had one boyfriend and it lasted a very short period of time (2 weeks). I got in a relationship because I wanted to have a boyfriend. Not because I wanted to be close with him but because I felt like by having a boyfriend I was finally being grownup and mature. Like having a boyfriend was biting the bullet and being an adult, and that's what adults do, they have boyfriends. I was just 17 at the time, but you know what I mean. Is this typical of how lesbians have felt about relationships with guys in the past? The whole feeling like getting a boyfriend is something you do to be mature, not something you're diving into with glee?

    Basically, the idea of being in a relationship with a girl seems safe, and the idea of being in a relationship with a guy seems...foreign. Is this also typical of how lesbians feel?

    Feel free to dissect this post, answer only certain sections which apply if any, etc. It will help me a lot to hear from other people who have felt similarly.
     
  2. Eliza

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    I can't exactly tell you what's typical of how lesbians feel because we're all pretty different, but some of the stuff you're saying sounds really familiar to me. Especially this:

    For the longest time, I was convinced I did not like boys because I wasn't grown up enough yet. That's partly why I faked crushes; I was afraid my friends would think I was a baby if I didn't.

    Also this:

    Long after I grew my hair out and made an effort to look girly, I kept having dreams where I looked in the mirror and some detail was off, like I was wearing dirty sneakers under my dress or my hair had magically become short, and someone in the room would call me a lesbian and I'd get angry.
     
  3. Chloe

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    There really isn't a "typical" experience, but what you're saying makes a lot of sense.

    I went about things differently - I was primarily looking for sex and didn't realize until later that I could be doing it with women, even though I was having an undefined attraction to them. It wasn't that relationships weren't important to me, but I wasn't focused on having one as a sign of maturity or anything else.
     
  4. JillandJill

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    I used to dress very, very girly and put together, makeup, hair, jewelry, the whole enchilada. Now that I really know who I am a little more, I am more comfortable with myself and basically dress like a lesbian lol. Not entirely what you are feeling but close...
    And absolutely about the guys. I used to keep a list, and a running count, of all the guys (and girls :slight_smile: haha) that I had kissed just so I could tell everyone, not because I actually liked kissing the guys. The girls, I just did that for experience and to make myself look cooler, but there was always something more... intimate about kissing a girl. I always would rather do that, but I didn't realize it till now. I get offended and very uncomfortable when guys flirt with me but my heart starts racing if I even feel a girl is looking at me that way. I find guys attractive but I have no desire to get nasty with them or even when I am "checking them out" it's never anything below the neck. Girls..... well, let's just say I know how to check out girls haha. And I always had feelings for my best girl friends growing up. Hope some of this helps! And feel free to PM me or anything, I know how tough it is to figure yourself out. Good luck lady :slight_smile:
     
  5. Parsley

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    I don't know if my experience is helpful since I'm still not positive of my orientation, but I have spent a large portion of my life terrified that I'll look like a lesbian. I was scared that my haircuts made me look like a lesbian (though it didn't often stop me from getting it cut). I was afraid that the clothes I liked made me look like a lesbian, and I purposefully worse much girlier clothes that I liked just for this reason. I was worried my body language made me look like a lesbian, so I'd consciously thing about how I walked and sat. I was also afraid that my lack of a boyfriend would make me look like a lesbian (I've never had one), so every few years it would be "time" and I"d pick a guy to go out on a single date with or to talk about liking. In high school I carried a guy friend's picture in my wallet to imply to my other friends that I was dating him. I'm 31 years old now, and I've been consciously thinking this way since I was about 15 years old.

    Recently I decided I didn't care if people assume I was gay. They can assume all they want as I try to figure myself out. So I've been dressing exactly how I please, walking naturally, and I just got a very alt-looking haircut. I've switched to men's underwear, and removed all dresses from my wardrobe. I'm still not sure if I'm gay, but I'm definitely happier and more comfortable with how I'm dressing and acting. If I get nothing out of my questions, I've gotten this. I'm finally acting like myself.
     
  6. nylondon

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    This was so me! For the longest time, I thought I was just shy around guys or just didn't know how to talk to them. I even convinced myself I liked my male friend because we hung around one on one a lot. I bit the bullet, as you put it, because I thought I just needed to get over my shyness and get into a new relationship already (it had been about 4 years since my last boyfriend at this point). So it was all social pressure and an attempt for me to feel mature, etc.

    However, he rejected me... and then I wasn't even upset. This is because in hindsight, it is extremely clear that I was very lonely and confused and had projected these feelings onto him... when he didn't feel the same as me at all! The worst thing is I was fully aware of my attraction to girls at this point, but it was like I was denying it because I was so scared of it, and wanted one last chance at being with a guy. All in all, a very embarrassing situation :lol:
     
  7. Reptillian

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    Well, I'd have to say every lesbians are different in their own ways and just to let you know that what you think of sex with a gender does not in itself define sexual orientation/sexuality on it own. It is possible for one identify with that sexuality and even be somewhat repulsed at a conscious level rather than unconsious which in essence still make you that identity or even enjoy having sex against your orientation is possible. You can identify with a sexuality and enjoy having sex which aligns with your orientation. There's other different experiences too. Fantasies aren't always a great indicator of sexuality. Only you're the only one that can answer who you are.
     
    #7 Reptillian, Apr 27, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2013
  8. dd1

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    I have done all of those things too so you're definately not alone.
     
  9. Britishskittles

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    sex with men just seems completely un appealing , where's sex with a women a care about sounds great, but I guess I didn't always feel that way cause I slept with one man the one ex boyfriend I had because its what I felt I had to do , like I should try and be "normal" and want the boyfriend , the white picket fense and the 2 kids because that's what everyone around me wanted. When I was 15 -17 ish I had a lot of rainbow clothes and was a bit of a tom boy so people called me gay anyway even though I wasn't accepting it about myself I just wore what I wanted but I obviously responded badly to being called a lesbian beceause I then went out and found the nearest guy who was willing to date me. When it comes to boys feeling foreign I grew up around a lot more women and even now all my closest friends are girls and I have a sister no brothers, so I went through a stage of thinking I just don't know any men that's why I don't find them attractive so I tried meeting men but most of the time they just felt like brothers to me and other times straight men's behaviour just confused the hell out of me so I guess it that respect that felt foreign , usually if men hit on me I just try and side track their attention to one of my straight girl friends , but the other night I was in a gay bar with two male gay friends and it appears the only straight man in the bar decided to hit on me and then I was a bit like doesn't he know hes in a gay bar , he should know I am gay leave me alone sort of thing.
     
  10. Ettina

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    The way you describe having sex with guys is exactly how I feel.

    If I think of sex with a guy, it's like 'eww, no, why would I do that?'

    I'd be more willing to have sex with a girl than a guy, but neither really appeals to me.