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I hate bisexuality

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Musician, Apr 27, 2013.

  1. Musician

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    I am going to assume it's bisexuality. I might be gay. Probably am. Except for my stupid straight fantasies which won't go away. I get turned on like crazy by guys. But then when I fantasize, I picture my girlfriend involved in lesbian sex. I want a man, but crave women too. But like others on this site, I am positive this is a stepping stone to being gay. I guarantee it. I'm damn frustrated. Why can't I be gay already and just accept the damn thing!!!! AAARGH!!!

    I crave penis on the internet, see it, and it gets me off like crazy. Sort of. I don't even know. But then I fantasize on my own and I picture my girlfriend and women in general. Men don't even do it for me sometimes. I just want to become gay and get it over with. I feel like my straight fantasies are just a denial mechanism. But they feel nice too, so beats me. I think I'm going to live a gay life and be miserable, because I won't have women. Then again, I know I'm gay because I'm with a woman and still am unhappy sometimes.

    Nevertheless, for the sake of being correct about things, I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay. The end.

    EDIT: Is it false hope or do I think my sexuality will shift back to women? I know many people on this site are really gay. I probably am too. Grrrr... Why do I have this gut feeling about women now? But no, I'm gay. Forget it. False hope there. Stupid me.
     
    #1 Musician, Apr 27, 2013
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  2. mildmannered

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    You just described everything I am feeling right now better than I ever could. :eusa_clap
     
  3. Parsley

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    I'm sorry. This particular train of thought you are stuck on is the worst. And I can totally relate. This is what is spinning through my brain right now too. I figure we just have to keep moving forward and working toward being comfortable with ourselves and we'll pop out the other side of this.
     
  4. Musician

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    Thank you mildmannered/parsley. Together, you can season my steaks.

    I just did mindfulness meditation on the breath for 20 minutes, it helps. I used to practice more intently, everyday than I do now. I took a break from it to sort out my sexuality. While I didn't sort anything out, just being in touch more with my bisexual feelings has made me more peaceful and more productive. I even feel a tinge of my attraction to women (hooray! missed that like hell). Hopefully, I'll enjoy all the fruits of both loins in the end. Until then, I'll still be confused, I guess. Frustrating as hell. Just wanted to mention that the meditation calmed me down a little. Doesn't solve my frustrating problem. But a little more relaxed... ugh. Phew.
     
  5. Parsley

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    Do you mind if I ask you a question? If your tingle of attraction requires looking for and you are also reasonably certain that you are actually gay and just using the bi lable as a bridge, do you think that maybe continuing to search for that tingle towards women is really just a comfort blanket that is preventing you from truly accepting who you are? Maybe if you stop searching for attraction and just let it happen you'll have a clearer understanding of yourself, a self that might be gay and might be bi. Either way it's all good.
     
  6. Musician

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    What do you mean by "requires looking for"? Not sure if I understand.

    Well, in the past, I was very heavily attracted to women. I think that tingle is kind of a reminder, and it makes me feel good because I loved my attraction to women.

    The reason I am meditating is to let me feelings fall where they should lie naturally. I just feel like naturally, I should have arousal/attraction to both. In my mind at least. I just have no idea what's going on anymore. My sexuality is all over the map. Very heavy emotional attraction to men where I get off to them often and hard, and the same sexual attraction to women I had before. I just feel like the attraction to men came from nowhere.

    I was on a bisexual site where somebody else reported they got "bored with pussy". Then when things evened out, he was bisexual. I really related to his post. That's why I meditate. So things can even out in my mind, and I can feel happy with a woman, the way I always envisioned it, both emotionally and sexually. Just right now, I'm all over the map, as you girls have indicated you can relate to :slight_smile:

    Parsley, if you feel similar, how are you feeling when you let it settle. Do you feel more certain about your sexuality? Or does it play games with you mind too? I'm asking more because I'm looking for a shoulder to lean on right now, and seeing if we have common ground from where we're both coming from.
     
  7. gravechild

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    I can only speak for myself, being someone who identifies as bisexual. Grew up attracted only to women, was able to be sexually and emotionally aroused as easily as any other 'straight' guy, with occasional sexual attractions towards men, which I suppressed, mostly. Got honest with myself around 1.5 years ago, did research, a ton of questioning, reading, and identified with Kinsey 2. After the smoke had cleared, and I grew comfortable with those attractions, I settled on straight-leaning bisexual.

    Unlike a lot of those on EC, the attractions towards women didn't go away, nor did my attractions toward men increase; I simply accepted what had been labeled as 'quirks' before. Accepted them as genuine attractions and chose to identify as LGBT. I'm not a gay man 'in denial', and to suggest otherwise would only invalidate my sexuality and push me away from whomever said it. On the other hand, I have a few gender concerns that I think might have been responsible for a lot of what I attributed to homosexuality early on, and I'm exploring those right now

    Bisexuality exists, and bisexuals exist on EC. I have bisexual attractions, but can choose to identify as a number of things, which I think many self-identified gay men who have attractions toward women also have the luxury of. And let's face it: identifying and living as a bisexual man is no easy thing: you're practically treated as a gay man by society, have dozens of negative stereotypes vs the fabulous ones gay men are associated with, and lack the acceptance and support of both gays and heterosexuals. We don't have a strong community, really, and in fact are scattered all over; the pressure to conform is sometimes too much, and a lot of us end up living as straight or gay men. Very few understand us, and even less accept up, which is a shame, because there are a lot of us out there, invisible, living double lives or completely out of touch with our 'other side' altogether.

    I can't tell you what you are, or even what you should do, but that being honest with yourself and living accordingly is much more important than attaching some silly label to yourself. Why impose limits when there are so many possibilities and uncertainties at this stage? Some people take days to figure it out, others take years, and then you have others who never do. If women truly turn you on, and not as a form of denial, accept it as a part of your sexuality. I'm okay living with uncertainty, between the 'borders', so to speak.

    What does your gut tell you?
     
  8. Musician

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    Hey gravechild. Btw, you inspired me to go on another Sabbath binge for an hour or two late last night - live shows from the 70's. That's kind of my thing.

    Haha, it's so odd. I don't know which one of my attractions is sexual and which one is in my head. Being on the LGBT forum, I think the one for women must be denial.

    Thing is, I see a pretty girl, I wanna check her out. It titillates me. I have ALWAYS been attracted to women. Fantasized about them, etc. Just living with my girlfriend the last year and a half, I see a shirtless guy and I lose it. It's like I love it. On an arousal level though, maybe I'm sometimes more aroused by girls sexually. Like I think about how much I love guys all the time, physically and emotionally, but I wind up very often getting off to women because they are genuinely getting me off. In my fantasy. Porn is a different story. In straight porn, I've been looking at the guy. And the girl sometimes. Before it was always the girl. I mean, in all logic, I'm probably some sort of Kinsey 3. Maybe. It's hard to tell at times. Like a guy takes off his shirt and I feel this overwhelming attraction to him, but not necessarily like a boner. So it's often physical, and kind of sexual. With a girl, it's sexual, no doubt, moreso than guys often, but not as physical anymore like it was when I was a kid. Weird stuff. That's the best I can explain right now :frowning2:
     
  9. Parsley

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    Sorry I misunderstood what you said about your attraction towards women before. I interpreted what you said as it being this occasional blip that pops up that you welcome and embrace like the prodigal son. I just read it wrong, possibly due to a significant amount of projection on my part.

    You may lean on my shoulder any time. I can't offer much useful advice since it appears I'm at approximately the same part of my journey as you, but I can commiserate. And I can understand what you're going through and the fact that it sucks, and it sucks enough that it's hard to convey how much in just typed words. They never feel quite right or like quite enough no matter which words you use. It's like the vocabulary for these feelings hasn't been created and no combination of existing words really captures the intense unsettling feeling of not knowing who you are, or maybe knowing, and then being unsure, and suddenly not being who you thought you were before your sense of self was shattered. There aren't words, but I understand. I really do.

    When I let it settle I'm more certain about my sexuality, but it won't stay settled for long. Something will start the doubt again, or the questioning. Or I'll just start to worry that I jumped to conclusions. My biggest worry that starts my questioning all over is what if I made this up for attention, or as an excuse for intimacy problems. But when I let my mind settle and just be, I'm pretty sure I'm a garden variety lesbian.
     
  10. gravechild

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    The pleasure is mine :icon_bigg

    [​IMG]

    Well, sexual attraction usually has components of physical, mental and emotional arousal. In fact, my attractions toward men and women aren't even exactly experienced the same way, at the same frequency, or at equal levels, just enough to be considered bisexual attractions. Sexually, my attractions towards women are a lot more immediate and obvious, while with men, a lot more specific and romantic in nature, taking longer to form, so biromantic heterosexual could work, technically.

    One pet peeve of mine is how society has it's form of the one drop rule in regards to male sexuality: while women are allowed to have deep, complex sexual lives, men are stereotyped as either gay or straight, physical and dominant, simple... even thinking of a man once is enough to be labeled as a gay man, period. Even on EC, I've seen members mention female sexuality being more 'fluid'. Really, I don't see how you can group someone who has never felt attraction toward the opposite sex in the same category as someone who has strong occasional attraction towards the opposite sex. They're nothing alike.

    My own sexuality fluctuates, too, and I have periods of attraction toward men primarily, even if shorter lived, usually. Overall, though, I'm attracted to women primarily, so it's something like 65/35 or 60/40. You might be different, and you might go on to be totally attracted to men only, eventually settling on the gay label. That's not what I'm contesting: I'm telling you what you've been describing sounds too much like bisexual attraction to be brushed off as simply 'denial'. Reason I'm telling you this is because EC is overwhelmingly gay men, and I don't want you to only hear one side and feel pressured to conform, especially when you're not 100% sure. Just because they used bisexuality as a stepping stone doesn't mean everyone will (I won't even mention how that contributes to bisexuality being seen as a myth, and bisexuals being seen as invisible or non-existent). You'd be surprised how many Kinsey 4s identify as bisexual, but they're out there, too.
     
  11. Spatula

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    This is wrong. Some of the gay members on the site have done a pretty bad job dealing with cases similar to yours, and I can think of at least two instances off the top of my head, where someone with obvious heterosexual attractions was talked into the idea that they were gay and in denial, only to end up taking it back later. Of course, the straight attractions won't ever go away. You never stop seeing female beauty, and because of that, at least in a biological sense, you're not the 'same kind' of gay as the kinsey 5's and 6's that populate the site. When gay men walk around during the day, they absolutely don't see female beauty at all. Women might as well be furniture to them. I've talked to these people (and I'm dating one right now) and it's very clear to me they just see things differently.

    If you want my advice, the biggest demon facing anyone with bisexual arousal patterns is doubt. The entire world is filled with doubt about this orientation and it's easy to internalize that doubt, and it causes a tremendous amount of psychological stress because when those attractions swing, you'll question your entire life at every point. I definitely remember three years ago when I started coming out and questioning that I had weeks where I thought "fuck, I'm completely straight." and then the following week it would be "fuck, I'm completely gay". There were some asexual weeks in there too, and there were days where I'd go back and forth between gay and straight porn and all the neurons on both sides were firing. At the time, this was very excruciating because I would alternate from worrying that I made a mistake coming out, that I'd take it all back, or that I'd end up having to come out again as something else. I worried that I was a faker--one way or another. You know that feeling? I just constantly worried about it all the time.

    Crazy, but those swings gradually mellowed out over time, and I developed a strong identity as a kinsey 3, pretty much dead even 50/50 bisexual. Now that my drive has fallen somewhat since my teenage years, there's less noise. I can more easily attach myself to someone and just be happy with whatever they're bringing to the table, sexually. Now I consider each relationship a chance to grow, as a person. A chance to enjoy certain types of experiences.

    Suffice to say that I've been in gay relationships--good ones, and still felt the need to masturbate to straight porn, just to shut up that side of my brain. I've been in straight relationships since coming out and felt the need to masturbate to gay porn for the same reasons. I generally shift a bit towards the gender of the person I'm dating but I always return to the rollercoaster of attraction once the relationship is over. I've been out for quite some time and dated/slept with both genders and if this is a 'phase', then it's a pretty damn long phase because I'm 26, and I recall having very strong fantasies about both genders since I was 12.

    So this 'stepping stone' idea is nothing but a farce. It is a story that fits someone else's experience, but not mine, and possibly not yours. I'm not the one to say for sure. Maybe I misread your posts; maybe you're gay as a goose and just don't know it yet. I think as a general rule of thumb, (and I apologize because this is very reductionist), whatever you don't want to be tends to be what you are. And it is quite clear that the bi-now-gay-later stories typically don't want to be gay, and the real bisexuals that show up here generally would rather be gay. So the fact that this last bit fits your case pretty well suggests something.
     
    #11 Spatula, Apr 28, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2013
  12. TimidlyModest

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    I can relate to a lot of what you just said. I've always felt like I want a straight romantic relationship but know I'm only sexually attracted to certain gay things. The Internet has many ways of letting me experience all sorts of wild fantasies, but then I think how they could never happen in real life and go back to thinking I'll just randomly run into the right person for a long-term relationship that's not based on sex. I've realized that this is also a fantasy, though, because I'm so uncomfortable that I never even try to make it a reality. I hope you're able to find what you're looking for by meeting the right person; it sounds like you're further along than I am as you know what it's like to be with someone. Maybe try going out with a guy? I'm sorry I'm not the best person to give advice on this, but I just wanted to say I can relate to the confusion.
     
  13. Eric1962

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    Hi.
    It's funny but I almost wish I had your problem.It would save my marriage. My wife is okay with my interest in men as long as I'm attracted to her. Unfortunately I just don't feel any attraction to women. I was sexually attracted to her years ago, but that faded and my interest in men grew (was always there). Anyway, don't beat yourself up over your confusion. Be real and accept you have diverse feelings that may or may not change.
     
  14. Ettina

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    This doesn't sound like denial/pseudo-attraction. It sounds like real attraction.

    Bisexuality is not always just a 'stepping stone'. There are plenty of people who genuinely do feel attractions to both males and females.
     
  15. cm81990

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    There are some gay members here that will tell you flat out you are in denial or using it as a stepping stone. I am not one of them and believe bisexuality to be a real, genuine feeling. However, I do try to help others to sort out the platonic vs. sexual feelings. They sometimes confuse platonic feelings as genuine sexual attraction.

    From all of your descriptions, you seem to actually have genuine sexual feelings for both genders. There doesn't seem to be any confusion between aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction. You like both "in that way." I can't give you advice on how to deal with your attractions, because I'm not bi myself. But I know it is real and not a stepping stone. The more you dwell on it, the more the problem won't go away. Just relax and accept it as is.
     
  16. Musician

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    Hey everybody!

    I wanted to thank everybody for a diverse, yet helpful range of opinions on this matter. I didn't respond because I needed a few days to chill out.

    I have noticed that I'm not living my life fully right now. Not because of my sexuality, but because of the doubting and the debating going on in my head. It's gotten better, I think, but I received a talk from the parent of a student I've been teaching, and he was explaining to me that the nature of my relationship with the student has really changed over the year that I've been questioning this. My life hasn't been fulfilling. It really made me feel sad, that here is this boy, and I haven't been teaching him and relating to him like I need to. And I think this pattern has manifested itself with many of my other students, my own piano practice, and my relationships with other people, including my friends, family and girlfriend.

    Onto the sexuality issue, it's still confusing. I'm believing in the whole bisexual thing more these days. Here are some points I've been noticing lately:

    - I get aroused looking at guys. Naturally. Like movement in my genitals, heart beating, falling in love, being more awake/aware.
    - Very often, guys will arouse me a little, and then it will get me horny for girls. Sometimes, girls will do that on their own, but not as intense. I think it was more intense from them in puberty. So I think. But, on that note, I have explored taking the guy thing further, and somehow, the switch pretty much always flips back to girls. It's really weird.
    - When I'm more relaxed and less anxious, I notice a relatively equal attraction to guys/girls.
    - Porn is not a good judge at judging sexuality. I think my own fantasies may be better.
    - Without porn (and with porn), the pattern lately has been that I start off with guys, then it makes my attraction to women stronger. But I always need to get off to women, because it turns me on more. So it's kind of a back and forth thing. I enjoy looking at women, but it's like the guy provides a turbo boost, but it needs to be about the woman, because a woman is too sexy of a thing to waste, for me.
    - Also, I try thinking of my gay friends, and really loving them and getting off to them. Then, I kinda tire of it, and move back to women. By the end, I'm thinking of three women or whatever, and I try to bring back my gay friend into the fantasy, but to no avail. I'm way more interested in the women.
    - After I'm done fantasizing, my best friend calls and I wind up thinking about how much I love him, crush on him, and want to be with him. Sexually, I get arousals too, and I may even wind up getting off to him (though I didn't at this time today because I was exhausted). Even more intense than with the women. BUT, I always come back to women, because I am sexually aroused by them.

    So, you see this can be confusing as heck. I'm almost at the point of accepting my feelings as they are, admitting and accepting my bisexuality, and letting things be as they are. I am beginning to remember my love for my girlfriend. I need to get off porn more, and use regular fantasies if anything. And have fun with my lady. I'd love to marry her. I've been putting it off so I can explore my sexuality. And doing that, I probably feel closer to marrying her than I ever have felt before, oddly enough.

    I think many more people have bi tendencies than we can imagine. I am by no means saying we are all bi. No. But there are people, such as myself, who never really put much thought into it, because they were into girls, but yes, there are many. Which would explain so many homophobic things I have heard on sports radio (notoriously homophobic, even if mainstream media tells you otherwise), and fear of the gay. Really, I doubt many of these people are gay. Likely just have bi tendencies.

    Hmm, thank you all again for your comments. If you have anything else to add, or words of advice, please do. I may explore with a guy, while being with my girl. I somehow have a feeling I might stay with her, even after exploring with a guy. And I may hear that I sound more on the straight end of things, but honestly, I don't even know anymore. It's all so confusing. Maybe I am repressing. But, I've also explored things. Anyway, there's not much more I can say, so I just have to learn to go with it then, like many of you said (like cm for example).

    Honestly, I am not even looking for a label. I guess I'm using this wonderful community to vent, to find some peace, and get this off my chest. Thanks for listening. I'm looking forward to doing more of the same for you guys.

    Cheers
     
  17. strangetimes

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    Could you please explain the difference? I am in a pretty bad turmoil myself recently. Soon to turn 25, realized by recent research that I may likely be bigender and bisexual to some extent. I am just dwelling on this bisexuality thing because I seem to notice attraction to men in real life sometimes, but I cant get off to it..
     
  18. cm81990

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    Aesthetic attraction is kind of like appreciation for a nice sports car, painting, or beautiful sunset. You obvious don't desire sex with a sports car, painting, or sunset, but it's image is so beautiful you can't keep your eyes off it. I love staring at the city skyline around sunset. Truly beautiful. There are many women that look amazing and beautiful. Smooth legs, sexy skin, gorgeous smiles. But I am not sexually aroused by those things. I appreciate their beauty, but don't desire sex with them. I hope that makes some sense. You can also be straight and appreciate a good looking guy and his well built body, without sexual desire or arousal for him. Hope that clears it up!