I feel so dishonest. Like I'm lying to everybody about who I am by presenting them something that isn't me. I went to my senior prom. In a dress. I wore it because I knew my mom wanted me to. Because I knew society wanted me to. And I didn't want to let either of them down. My mom had already made it quite clear that it would be unacceptable for me to go to prom in any other fashion. Years before now, and periodically since, whenever I'd make a comment about not wanting to wear a dress/skirt/frilly blouse she'd demand "What are you going to wear to prom, huh? To your WEDDING!? You aren't going to marry your husband in a suit, are you!?" Come prom season this year, lo and behold, she asks when we're buying my dress. Having resigned to that, I had a few requirements I wanted my dress to meet. I wanted to show no skin below my neck. Full sleeves, no cleavage, no leg. I figured I was being very accommodating. After all, I had agreed to wear a dress. She was upset with me. I was "making things hard." There's "nothing wrong" with a little cleavage. I have "beautiful arms." This woman will not be satisfied until she sees me as her beautiful little girl. But even this, I take. We found a dress that met some of my requirements, and altered it to meet a few more. Now, I had over a month to really come to terms with this. So, come prom night, I had already braced myself for the experience. After the dress was on, I didn't think about it. I wore a body shaper thing under it, so it felt like I was wearing pants. I ignored it. Valiantly. But once I'm at prom, one of my favorite teachers comes over to chat. He says, "You look like this girl I know... but she would never wear a dress." Now I'm thinking about it. I am painfully aware of it. I see that two other females in the place were not wearing dresses, and that's when I felt ashamed. What the hell was I doing? Why couldn't I be bold? Why do I have to keep telling half truths to my mother, carefully avoiding any talk of how I really feel? Am I even helping her? Sure, I say that I'm hiding all of this because I want to keep the peace. I want her to be happy for these last few months that I'm at home. I don't want her worrying about how she raised me wrong, how she's losing her daughter, or how terribly damned to hell I am. She wants a beautiful little girl in me. I'm not that. But I don't want to break her heart. Not now. I am such an emotional mess. I just want to live, damn it. I just want to be myself, all of myself, and give the finger to society, it's labels, and it's stupid expectations. But I can't do that. Not here. And not now. Life doesn't even feel worth living when the real me isn't allowed to live it.
I'm sorry that you're going through this and that your mom's making things hard for you. I can kind of relate though. My dad's super homophobic, so I have to act like I'm straight. I am getting sick of the things he says about gays though >_> And I feel the same about my gender. I hate wearing dresses and acting "girlie." Dresses and other feminine clothes are uncomfortable as hell. I'd much rather wear neutral or "manly" clothes lol and lately, I've just been obsessing over my gender soo much that I'm really starting to get uncomfy with the whole "girlie" thing. I don't want to be mistaken as feminine or anything like that. I know that you don't want to hurt your mom, but you have to do what's right for you. If you really wanna wait until you're out on your out of her house, that's up to you. If you can really hold off that long and if you think it's not too damaging for you. But you can't just think about her feelings. You have to think about your own as well. If she really loves you, she'll come to terms with the fact that you're not the girlie little girl she thought you were. I know it's hard. I know you don't want to hurt her or get rejected. But you have to think about yourself and do what's right for you. You can't do things based off what people will want you to do all the time. Trust me, it will only hurt you in the end.
I think your mother needs to be informed, in no uncertain terms, that this will never happen. It doesn't sound as if you've come out to her, so if you're safe to do so, maybe it might be a good idea. It is your choice, obviously, but if you ever want to transition, you have to either come out to her or never see her again. It sounds like you won't get any peace of mind till you do. I don't think its fair on you to have to stay silent to keep the peace. You don't deserve to suffer, to have to wait for your life to begin to accomodate someone else. Transition, as I can attest, changes so many things for the better. Life really does start to feel worth living.
My fear is that coming out to my mom will cause a different kind of unhappiness. I came out to her as bi because I finally couldn't stand hiding it from her and listening to her be a self-important homophobe. She doesn't believe I'm really bi and it's largely something she can ignore. But whenever she's confronted with evidence of it, the air in my house suddenly turns cold. All the same, she's convinced that she's right and I'm wrong, and it's just a matter of time before I "get over" being bi and she can say "I told you so." She's not going to believe that I'm trans. Best case scenario, she tries to ignore it like she does my sexuality. Most likely, though, she'll actively try to convince me otherwise, in the interest of "saving me." She thinks that transgendered people are simply gays who want to attract straights. She doesn't recognize it as anything real--it's just a farce put on by very confused people who need to accept what God gave them. In the past, when I share with her an intended course of action that she disagrees with, she acts to eliminate it as an option. It's always "for my own good" and "I'll thank her later" and all. If she tries this, I stand to be even more unhappy than I am, now. I'm kind of rambling a little. I guess my point is, I don't see a benefit to telling her verbally, while I see several possible detriments. Whether I tell her or not, I'll still have to live as female until I get out of the house as, currently, I don't have and am not allowed to have my own money. I can't buy anything to reduce my dysphoria or to pass as male. And there's no way she'd do it for me. I feel like there's just no way for me to be happy right now. And I know that couldn't possibly be true. I'm just too blinded by depression to see it.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I feel for you. I skipped out on going to any dances in high school. Those last few months at home were the hardest for me too. Are you going off to college? It'll get better there. I saved up some money at college and would go to thrift stores to get the clothes I felt most comfortable in. If you have an alternate address (such as your school or a local LGBT center) and the mods here are okay with it, we should coordinate something. I could come up with a few dollars to spare to send you a binder or anything else that could help ease the dysphoria.
I purposefully chose a really LGBT friendly college so I wouldn't have to worry about grief. Thanks for the offer and all of the support. It's nice to know there are people out there who know how I feel. (&&&)
I can see how coming out might be difficult then. Are you going to go to college as a guy? That might be difficult if you have no guys clothes/binder, but there is probably a way to be successful. Transitioning, at least from my own experience, is very likely to change this. I was depressed, extremely so, before transitioning.
I don't think I'll be going as male, as it really isn't feasible without at least a binder. My plan right now is to start transitioning in college, though.
Well if you can deal with your mom the next little while, then it shouldn't be so bad after you get to college. And if it's LGBT-friendly, then that's even better! Do you know exactly how they feel about transgender people though? I know some colleges are really good with that, but some aren't obviously. If they're good with it though, I'm sure you'll have a much better time in college than home. Transitioning can be expensive, but you can at least start out with what suninthesky said they did. Saving up and buying thrift store stuff. That's definitely better than nothing, especially since you can find some nice, new clothes there for cheap. And as for binders, of course some of them can be kind of expensive. But there's some programs online where you can get them for free or cheaper secondhand. Google it, and you might find something that works for you.
