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The hardest time of my life has just begun.. Advice?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Eva, Apr 30, 2013.

  1. Eva

    Eva
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    The me I'm not supposed to be...
    What do you do when you find out you're transsexual?

    Why were the depressions and the loathing of my self not so strong 2 or 3 years ago when I didn't have a female partner and with her two kids? My oldest, Adam, is a beautiful boy. And now we're six months pregnant with another boy... Why was I so stupid and selfish and told her now that she's pregnant? I just couldn't handle it any more...
    My depression got that much worse, because she can't handle it now. She cries all day long and that's the toughest part of "coming out" for me. I can't even go to the bath room without being ashamed and disgusted by "IT" being there.
    My partner can't handle the thought that she would be with a girl. And now that I told her, I couldn't even sleep with her any more because she knows that I envy her deeply for her body plus I'm ashamed that my body is male.
    I'm seeing a sexologist in two days and will see a psychologist as well. So is she, my partner is at a psychologist right now and I'm watching little Adam. Am about to tell my mom this afternoon, a bit nervous, but I think she'll be ok. So far I've told my partner, my boss whom I trust (she's a women :slight_smile:, and one friend of mine(male). I am very lucky to have friends that are open minded, It'll take while for them to adjust though because to everyone so far it's a complete shock. I still am attracted mostly by females and I've never dressed like a girl. I have been b-sexual since I was 14 and I was open about it at the time but have stopped being open about it at about 17 or 18 because of the reactions, the laughing and all, it also did make it harder to date girls.
    Now I can't handle to be a man for another minute. I am a women. End of story...
    Any comments or advice welcome...
     
  2. Hot Pink

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    While I am also trans, I can't imagine what it must be like with a partner and children involved. Personally, I had always avoided getting romantically or sexually involved with anyone because I feared this situation. I just didn't know what I would do.

    At least you've done the hardest part: you came out. It's not a secret anymore. In my case, it wasn't much of a secret. Everyone pretty much already knew and were just waiting for me to tell them--very frustrating.

    From here, you have to learn to be patient. And being patient after coming out is a whole different experience than before coming out. After coming out, you expect there to be results, but sometimes it can take months or even years for people to come around. Not to mention the process of transitioning can take years too.

    I can imagine that the greatest shock hasn't even occurred to your partner yet: that she isn't going to be in a lesbian relationship, but she always has been in one. You'll know when that realization happens.
     
  3. Just Jess

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    Hi Eva,

    I told my partner 5 months ago. She and I were engaged to be married. The wedding dress, a location, a small list of family we would have invited. We would do it after graduation, and then after we had the rest of the year to save up. Neither of us come from money. We worked very hard to get here, and I brought it all crashing down. I'm not a crossdresser. I'm a woman. We don't all feel this way from an early age, but I did. And I can't keep up the act any more.

    I'm still glad I did tell her. I still believe, especially now that I've experienced a little of how vulnerable many women feel and the expectation that you find a man or there's something wrong with you, and have some sympathy that comes from a very real place, that I made the right decision telling her. The fact is, she feels unsafe, like my being trans is her fault, that she wasn't "good enough", like everything everyone said about her in high school was right, she's worried about her family, her already naturally low self esteem despite my best efforts to make her feel beautiful and appreciated took a huge blow. She would never say all that outright. Honestly the things she would say I won't repeat here, but they would reduce me to tears and worse. It was my reacting to the guilt and the woman I love being miserable because of me that got me to seek therapy.

    But I'm glad I told her, because looking back, my being trans was like a slow acting poison in the relationship. It would leak through more and more, in our love life, in our romantic life, in our interactions with other people, and our relationship dynamic. The fact that I'm not a real man. That I'm not a man at all. And as good an actress as I was, the fact that I couldn't keep it up forever.

    The fact is, I love her, and I believe she deserves a real man. But she loves me, and is rolling the dice staying with me as a partner, even though we are a mixed orientation relationship. I'm a lesbian. She's straight. We're together. That's just the way it is.

    And there are days when she is the best friend I could possibly have. It is amazing how much easier it is to get past all those fears from my male life over even little things like shopping for clothes for myself and trying on shoes in the store to see if they're wide enough, when you have a female friend. We both give each other a lot that we couldn't find in anyone else. And really, all we're giving up is a form of making love that neither of us enjoyed to begin with.

    I can't say what got me through it. It's going to be painful, it just is. Your partner doesn't want to be in a relationship with a girl. My partner is straight, and her identity is just as valid as mine. We might be perceived as friends when I'm out as me, we might be perceived as more. There's some family we might honestly never tell. You both are going to have to make sacrifices. For you, there is going to be a tie to your male life that you'll never be able to sever. For her, she doesn't have the man you were pretending to be, and you probably did a better job pretending than you think. Costume or not, that man meant a lot to her.

    The waiting after coming out is pretty bad. What helps me is the things I can control. My voice is getting a lot better, I bought a make-up book and some cheap ELF stuff for myself (I know not all girls are into that stuff and I'm surprised I was but it's loads of fun), and I've saved up a little for laser for my face. And I focus on school and other stuff a lot more. It's a mixed bag. It's easier for me to focus on life in girl mode, but now that I'm out boy mode is harder and harder. And I'm not even on hormones yet!

    Whatever happens with you, if you and your partner can't stay together, or if you try to stay together for the sake of the kids, all I can really say is that you're going to need a lot of love, and you're going to need to be tough, but you can get through all this.
     
  4. Eva

    Eva
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    Sigh... It's just so hard to see her in tears.. And every evening is hell with her. She loves me but understandably she blames me for everything, me leaving her with the kids, that I'm a bastard and so on... I know she is going through hell as well now, but my mental condition has gotten that much worse because of this. She said that the moment I start HRT, I have to leave. I want to raise my kids, I want to stay with her. But this "act" can't have a happy ending.
    Am I selfish? How can I live with this body? With this "thing" that should not be there. I can't. I can't even look into the mirror without this deep depression, let alone go to the bath room.
    I'm seeing a sexologist and psychiatrist tomorrow. Today I've shaved my legs for the first time,,, feel a tiny bit better now. I would buy some make-up and make my hair the way I want it but I can't because of my partner, she's in tears every time she recognises another female trait on my.
    I must have been a better actress then I thought because she never saw these things. The day I can finally "be" a women is like a beacon of light and hope to me...

    Thanks for your support girls, keep in touch... Kisses :slight_smile:
     
  5. Just Jess

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    Oh wow I so could have written that.

    This really was the worst part for me. Believe me first when I say from experience, my going back into the closet didn't help. She knows. That changed everything. Forever. She will still be just as miserable if I spend the rest of my life in the male role.

    One turn of phrase I came across, that helped put everything into perspective when the fights got bad, is this: "making me feel guilty won't change who I am or fix our problem".

    Do you have any way to spend a little time apart and build some emotional distance? Just so you can see each other and the situation a little more clearly. Sleeping on the couch might feel like it's meant as punishment, but you can look at it as you being a little more independent too. It's hard to argue with someone you want to cuddle with.

    You both deserve a relationship that's based on love and respect, not guilt and a sense of duty. I'm not saying to leave, though, and please don't view this as something that "just can't work". It can. It's rare, but there are a lot of couples that do stay together through transition. It's just going to be hard.What I am saying, is if you stay, stay for the right reasons.

    And if she does stay, you will have to give her a lot of time to sort herself out.

    One last thing that helped me. Your treatment with your therapist is something your partner deserves to be informed of, but she can't interfere with it.

    You go girl! Coming out took more guts than most people have. It's time to start being honest with everyone and not hiding any more, right?
     
    #5 Just Jess, May 1, 2013
    Last edited: May 1, 2013
  6. Hot Pink

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    As Cassie said, you both deserve happiness. Her trying to guilt trip you into continuing to pretend to be something your not won't make either of you happy. If anything, it's selfish to stay in a relationship that you both know has no future. I'm sure it sucks and I'm sure you don't want it to be that way, but there's not much that can be done about it. It's life. It's reality. And life and reality are both brutal.

    I can't really speak for those who had a wife and children. I really have no idea what you must be going through. What I do know is that I didn't truly live until I started living my life as it was intended. Even though times have been tough since coming out, I don't regret it. Transitioning has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. In the mentality of Jeanette Winterson, you can't be truly happy unless you're willing to risk everything.
     
  7. Eva

    Eva
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    Hi everyone, here's another update... I've seen a sexologist and a psychotherapist yesterday,,, am worse off then before now. Sexologist was very nice, told me everything about HRT, he's taken some blood, will now testosterone levels next month, possibly start with hormones. He also prescribed me antideppresives and pills against anxiety (totaly shaking and feeling like someone is choking me when I was there,,,prety bad).
    Afterwards I saw the therapist straight away,,, and that got me...
    Within the first 5 minutes she told me "You're no transsexual" with a smile on her face. Then continued to ask me about my parents and childhood, never asking me how I feel now... She even suggested that my father might not be my real father (which I know for a fact is not the case!) and that I have an Identyty disorder (NO SHIT! I'm a girl in a boys body!). In her opinion, a transsexual has to like dresses every day, have panic fear from pants, hate their name, AND LIKE MASCULIN GUYS ONLY! I used to do Muay-tai(sport not the drink, all thogh I like that one too :slight_smile: and Parkour(movement sport, not with horses,,, allthough...just kidding!) and I like girls and sometimes feminine guys.

    I live in the European Union, over here If you have the support of your sexologist and your psychologist, your health insurance covers the SRS surgery. If you don't have their support,,,game over.

    I'm trying to find a psychologist that is not a stuck-up bitch now. But things at home got worse now. My mom and my partner both are desperatly clinging to the Identity disorder so that I don't go for the transformation...

    Sigh... What the hell should I do...

    ---------- Post added 3rd May 2013 at 12:46 PM ----------

    Oh, and sorry for the bad spelling, am not from an English speaking country :slight_smile:
     
  8. Sinopaa

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    That's a major red flag right there. It is literally impossible to diagnose something as complex as Transsexualism in just 5 minutes. Next time that happens challenge the doctor on how they came to such a bold conclusion so quickly.

    Oh God, you got one of those therapists. :eusa_doh: I would throw everything she's said out the window and continue looking for a new one. Any doctor who can not distinguish between gender identity, gender expression, and sexual preference is an idiot. The next time a therapist says "you're not a Transsexual" in the first appointment or talks about how you have to fit a certain gender stereotype like wearing dresses tell them "thanks for wasting my time then" and walk out.

    I personally had to go through 8 garbage therapists/"specialists" before I found one that would help me. It's a long and tedious process finding someone who knows what they are talking about. Don't let the ignorant doctors keep you down though. And I would keep the Sexologist. He sounds like he really wishes to help you, which is a good first step in the right direction.

    I would do as much research as possible and make a hand-out explaining Transsexualism in simple to understand terms for both of them. I would then calmly explain the difference between a personality identity disorder and what a transsexual is. Gender identity is like sexual identity; just as a gay male can not suddenly turn straight, you can not flip a switch and magically become a guy. Your brain is wired to be something that you physically are not.

    You might have to sadly part ways with your partner and just become friends. The truth is, someone who is constantly begging you to stay a man isn't going to help with the mental aspect of your transition process. It's a long and hard road us Trans* girls have to walk down. Just remember to not doubt your decision to transition. Cisgendered people will not understand and might distance themselves. Don't let them try to guilt you into staying something you are not though. In the end all of the pain will be worth it when you are in in the right body. Stay strong hun. (*hug*)
     
  9. Eva

    Eva
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    I so needed to hear that, thanks for the support. I will continue to look for a psyhologist that can help and support me. Further, I'm definetly gonna dig up as much information on gender identity and identity dissorder as I can, lay it out infront of me and try to inform my mom and partner. I'm just affraid that unless they hear it from a specialist("your son/partner is transsexual and the only thing that will help him is transformation") they woun't have none of it, that's kinda what they've been saying so far. But they also said that if that is the case, they will be there for me and support me. The problem with my partner is, that we have kids, if we wouldn't have kids it would be a much easier choise. Wrong, I have no choice,,, it just makes my life hell right now...
    I'd like to start laser hair removal, buy myself some nice "more fitting clothes"(see, they don't even make boys clothes in my size :slight_smile: am 159cm wee), buy myself some creams, make-up and start looking a bit more comfortable. But every time I make the smallest step, my partner is in tears and that brakes my heart...
    I have a question to all MtF out there that are similar to me, but are already post-op:
    Are you as happy as you imagined it before starting your transition?
    I can't imagine anything more wonderful right now...

    Thanks again for the support girls,,, kisses
     
  10. Sinopaa

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    Exactly. It's like coming out as being a gay male in a straight relationship. Sure a gay guy could still live with a woman and sleep with her, but he would be incredibly miserable. Many times a gay person will stay miserable for the sake of their children, which only makes things worse when they do break under the tension and come out later in life. And you are still legally allowed rights in seeing your children. Hopefully your partner will be cooperative in dealing with such delicate matters. But please make it clear that you were not "deceiving" her and that your love was genuine. But just as a gay man can not live a full life being straight you can not live a happy life pretending to be a husband. It will be a painful transition for both of you, but hopefully your partner will be willing to become friends later on down the road.

    As for hair removal, I strongly encourage you to look into electrolysis instead. Laser is not permanent and cost waaaaay more money up front. Electrolysis is very painful, but you can spread the cost out into being a manageable expense. I have been doing 3 hours of electrolysis a week; so far I am seeing some very positive results. Another thing you want to look into is how to handle your job later on. Here's a link that should give you some materials to prepare yourself for your transition. Good luck hun! (*hug*)

    HRC Transgender Resources