Before starting, I'd like to say that I present as male, and no no real desire to change that now or in the near future. What has been bothering me lately have been reflections of past thoughts and actions, a few strikingly similar to what many transgendered individuals describe. From the time I was a young boy, I remember feeling 'out of place' among other boys, a feeling that has only grown stronger now that I've entered adulthood. At the moment, I've considered genderqueer, but exactly which label fits, I haven't decided on yet - it's pretty complex. To drive the point home further, I remember feeling envious of women's bodies at times, and even toying with the idea of transitioning, immediately before and after puberty, though most of these thoughts have long vanished, and I'm dying to know whether they've been repressed, or have simply 'died down'. What would shock even more people is that there was a time I felt 'trapped' in my own body, wanting nothing to do with my own genitals, and when the time came, facial hair, voice deepening, development of the Adam's apple. It's been around ten years since I've felt any urge to cross dress, transition, or pass as a female, though, I do maintain a slightly androgynous appearance, and am attracted to others who do, too, meaning 'feminine' men and 'masculine' women. Not to offend anyone on EC, but I feel maybe even more 'out of place' around just gay men than I do with members of the trans and multisexual diaspora, whom I naturally gravitate toward. And, though this might not be enough to determine gender identity, I find myself both attracted to and relating to tomboyish women best. Not just because I fall on the 'feminine' side for men and they fall on the 'masculine' side for women, potentially resulting in a complementary pairing, but because I think if gender and sex were out of the question, we'd be more or less of like minds. My mother at least, suspects - not only did she openly remark how she'd be okay with any of her three sons being gay, she also turned to me and said, 'I hope you don't end up going down that path' during a segment on an MTF transsexual on Oprah. She also suspected I might have been experimenting with cross dressing, when no one else had said a word. In short, I'm not sure whether or not I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill, or if these are genuine concerns. For a long time I thought my bisexuality might be behind a lot of my questions and doubts growing up, but there's obviously more to it. I'm not comfortable identifying as male, past describing my physical sex, but I'm not a woman, either. Sometimes I wonder if my shaving of body hair, maintaining shoulder length hair, and not making an effort to 'bulk up' are subconscious attempts to keep myself from passing as a man; I'm okay with the ambiguity, and if anything, prefer it. There's also the case of relating to females, both fictional and in real life, even imagining myself as one, at times imitating their styles of communicating without realizing it. Very few people know of this side of me, and it's not something I mention openly with strangers. Still, I'm hoping to get something out of this thread, since it's been bugging me for some time, and I've only been putting it off while focusing energy on discovering my sexuality, instead. From a guy who doesn't mind being mistaken for, compared to, or even seen and treated as someone of the opposite sex, or no sex at all. Too bad we don't have the power to shape shift, or I'd do so just as often as my moods change.
a lot of people struggle with their gender identity, some people figure it out quickly, others take time. just open yourself up to whatever will be, will be. at the end of the day you're still you, just try and stay true to that, whatever direction that might take you in.
My birth gender is female, but I identify as an androgyne. I find that I feel like a gay man a lot of the time, and seem to relate best to gay guys in terms of friendships. I see myself in them and I look up to and wish to be like them. There's nothing strange about questioning yourself. If you dont ask, you will never know
Hey there. Well, to start with, this is clearly effecting your life and happiness to some extent or you wouldn't be posting about it. It sounds very plausible that you could be non-binary/genderqueer. However, I must tell you the frustrating thing that every one told me when I was asking questions on here about my gender identity. No one can know but you. I'll tell you one of the things that helped motivate me, but not to scare you. There is a surprising amount of people who transition in middle age, usually around age 40. This is hypothesized to be due to a drop in testosterone associated with middle age. At this point, lots of people who had questioned or struggled with their gender for many years suddenly feel the urge to "transition or die," as I've heard it described. Again, that's not intended to scare you, but rather make you aware of certain realities for some people. I personally decided I wasn't going to sit back and let 20 more years of me getting more masculine pass by before I decided to do something about it. I can relate to feeling like I was making mountains out of mole hills. I was able to function so normally most of the time, then all of a sudden I wouldn't be able to think of anything else. The dysphoria came and went with such an odd pattern. I used to describe it like walking on the beach along the water. The wet sand doesn't make it too difficult to walk, but then all of a sudden a wave hits you and the force makes you just have to stand still and focus on nothing but keeping yourself upright. Its like you can't focus on doing anything else. My advice: if you have any means possible, see a therapist. It helped me a lot. I recommend it constantly on here, but its because I believe it helps. Let a trained professional help. Best of luck, and feel free to message me anytime (*hugs*)
Hi, I can strongly relate to feeling out of place among other boys. I have always preferred to spend time with girls. I seem to be able to relate to them a little easier. I've always sort of wished I was female, but I haven't felt the urge to transition to female before. That might be because I never knew that was possible until recent years. I have crossed dressed; I stated last year, but haven't done it much since then. There are numerous other indications to my interest in being female. On internet forums other than this one, I never indicate my gender in the hopes that people will assume I am female (I don't like to lie about it, but if they just assume I'm okay with not correcting them). The reason I am on these forums is because I have been trying to figure out if these feelings and behaviors are serious or if it is just a result of my life and personality. So your thread caught my eye because I think in a way we are in a similar situation.
