I feel really confused... I've always wished I was a guy, because then people wouldn't expect me to be girly and so that I could just act and be myself! I remember growing up I used to HATE the fact that I was a girl, because I've never felt much like a girl inside! Now I don't know how to really explain any of this, because in pretty much all ways I've been in some serious denial my whole life, and it's only now that I'm beginning to come to terms with myself! Anyway I've always considered myself a tomboy (even though I have absolutely NO interest in sports or the like... actually I love playing bowling and pool), because that's the closest I could ever be as a girl. I've always dressed as boyish as possible, and I think I tend to act and think a bit boyishly as well (though not in any extreme degree... at least I don't think so... I've never really had much consistent male influences around me at home, until the last few years, so maybe I'm incredibly male in the way that I think... just not macho. ). However when I was (probably) about 9 I realized that I was actually a girl and that was never going to change, and so I just sighed and decided that I just needed to learn to accept myself for what I am, so I did. Growing up I would occasionally hear references to pansexuality, and other forms of not-distinctly-defined male/female genders, but to be honest I never much understood it (and still don't really) and even for once contemplated that I could ever fit into such a category (like I said, there was some serious denial going on)! But ever since I discovered this website and am willing to be more honest with myself I keep wondering if maybe there is more to me than the strict gender specific guidelines, or am I just a tomboy?! As I said, when I was younger I detested and hated my body with a DEEP HATRED and really didn't like the fact that I was a girl. And even while I learned to try and accept myself I always felt self-conscious and deformed by my breasts. (Sorry if I'm weirding anybody out, but alas we need to talk about this stuff when it comes to gender identity, lol. ) But now as far as my body goes I'm quite different; I could never feel be without my breasts, and while I still don't feel distinctly female inside, I feel like I am distinctly female on the outside!... At least most of the time, occasionally I don't feel like I should be female. ... I feel so weird and deformed for thinking and feeling like this! :rolle: And as for who I am as a person, I've never felt distinctly female... In many ways I feel I relate to being a guy more than I do to being a girl; I envy mens fashions, I usually prefer more typically masculine types of movies and tv shows (for instance, I'm a HUGE sci-fi/fantasy buff (and I'm not talking about Twilight or anything light like that (though I don't mind it when I'm in the mood), but Stargate, Firefly, Falling Skies, etc)though in saying that I DEFINITELY have a HUGE feminine streak when it comes to romance and anything of the like! :icon_bigg), if I had a choice between doing the more "feminine" chores inside the house (like ironing, vacuuming, etc) compared to the more "manly" outdoor work like mowing the lawns, fixing things, etc, EVERY SING TIME I'd choose the "manly stuff! :icon_bigg I don't really know much about cars or anything, but if someone took the time to show me how they worked and other stuff like that I'd have no doubt that I'd love hanging around the garage fixing cars, etc! (Don't ask me why, but for some reason I kind of feel nervous looking it all up for myself... I suppose it's all of that denial still hanging about! :rolle It's strange, but when I was in denial about everything I found all of the "distinct" genders and sexualities so easy to comprehend, but now that I'm being honest with myself EVERYTHING has a new meaning and understanding, and everything seems to be 100 times more scary but exciting, because it's TRUE! I just don't know who I am or what I am, because it's all so different to how I was raised... I just keep thinking back to that moment when I was a kid and I decided to start accepting myself for what I was... I remember feeling a small part of me die that day, when I decided to accept myself. And then after that, I just turned off any thought that wasn't about loving or accepting myself as a girl! - Talk about learning to love yourself in the wrong way! :rolle: And if I haven't said it outright before, I'll say it now... but the weird thing is that if anything I feel like I'm slowly becoming more female; like my friends are getting me into makeup and dresses (2 things that were again thoroughly detested by myself growing up!), though in saying that I'm not really into them, I think it's just that I'm getting so used to my friends wearing them that I'm starting to like them too, or at least the idea of them. Actually I have no idea, lol! :rolle: :icon_wink I just wish there weren't so many unnecessary social "rules" to this sort of stuff, because then life would be a LOT easier for everyone! - Even the homophobes and sexualphobes:confused2: (I may have created a new word, lol! )! And what also really confuses me, is I have a real interest in psychology so I feel like there would probably be some sort of theory that would explain all of this stuff away, which would mean that I'm just REALLY messed up in the head (which I guess wouldn't be surprising, considering that I had an abusive upbringing), and am in fact 100% distinctly female! :rolle: I like being able to understand myself as thoroughly as possible, but I hate how I feel so conflicted!!! And I also hate how my severely religious upbringing keeps making me question who and what I am, and how I feel about myself and what I think, etc!... I feel like I'm on this merry-go-round that just won't stop spinning, and that just keeps me feeling lightheaded! - One minute I'm bi and possibly not distinctly female, the next I'm psychologically analysing myself wondering if I'm just messed up, and then I go all religious on myself and go "well obviously you're female and straight... you're not allowed or meant to be anything else!" :rolle: Just thinking about this is making me feel sick! :eusa_sick :tears: :help: I don't want to be crazy!!!... My mum is severely mentally ill (which is where all the abuse and crazyfied religious brainwashing came from), and while all of my doctors say that I'm not crazy or mentally ill in any way shape or form, I REALLY REALLY REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!! :tears: And I most certainly DON'T want to be so messed up that I FORCE myself into becoming crazy!!! That's what I feel like all of this is/doing!... Making me crazy or meaning that I am crazy, because all of this stuff doesn't fall into the socially accepted fields of normalcy! :icon_sad: I'm sorry if I got over emotional and made this awkward or whatever... it's just this has been stewing in me for a long time now, and it all is just scaring the :***: out of me! So yeah, sorry! :icon_redf
Well to start you're not crazy. Whatever you're feeling right now is natural, and several others go through this. Now I don't want to label you, because that is your job, and only you know how you identify as; but from what you said above it sounds like you might be genderqueer/genderfluid. Which means you identify as both a male and female, and sometimes like to switch roles depending on the day. Of course that is a brief description of it, I'm by no means an expert on that identity so you can do further research to see if it really fits you. Just remember, those social "rules" and gender roles don't mean anything. It's okay to break from the norm. Just follow your heart, and do what feels right. Because as long as your happy with who you are, the judgement of others shouldn't matter.
Basically what Niko said. What you're feeling right now is pretty normal, even the parts where you feel so conflicted inside are normal. I also grew up in a strict religious household, so I understand, at least in some capacity, where you are coming from in that regard. I know that when I was around 14 I learned that transitioning to male wasn't very convincing at all, and so it just tore me up inside that I could never be a man. I thought maybe medicine would have progressed to a point that would make things good enough, but was (incorrectly) told that I was wrong. So I also gave up. I tried my hardest to embrace my female self, even getting into makeup... eventually I even bought... a purse... *dun dun dun!* I called it a "bag" for a long time but they are rather practical I gotta say. Even though I was afraid of growing up to be a "woman" and it felt so wrong. So yeah, a lot of people will go through a period of trying to embrace the role society attempts to put on them. Anyways, the point is, only you know where you are at right now. Society can't really tell you who to be, only you can. You're not crazy, it's just a really challenging time for you right now. And I want to agree with Niko again - the so-called gender rules mean nothing. You aren't alone! Just go with who you are, and see where it takes you!
Thanks, both of these are really helpful! And sorry I had a little panic attack, lol! :icon_redf I just feel so conflicted though, as I'm not sure that these feelings I have would be considered strong enough to be strictly gender-queer or gender-fluid (if I was though, I'd say I'd be gender-fluid)... and by this I mean, I've watched documentaries where people are of one gender and they know so distinctly that they are meant to be the other gender! - I don't think I've ever felt this (wait... maybe once when I was a kid?) It's always been more of a "I should be, or I want to be" scenario, so it's more of a feeling about myself rather than an undeniable knowledge. In some ways I feel like it was easier before I knew about all of this stuff as there were certain rules, so you had to follow them... but now I feel like there is a whole wide world out there that has new rules or worse no rules (which in actuality isn't worse, but wonderful! :icon_bigg), so I feel like I never know who I am or what I'm doing, or whether any of it is relevant to anything at all! *Sighs* :rolle: Like right now I'd say that I am just a tomboy, that feels really awkward around anything feminine... but as a kid I would have said that I was distinctly gender-fluid. :confused2: I mean is that even possible?!??? It's all just so strange and weird! So now I don't know if I really am gender-fluid or if it's just my mum's influence over me that makes me feel this way?! (She was always trying to make me be more girlier as a kid, always trying to get me into (and by into I don't necessarily dressed as (though that did happen on occasion), but more interested in) anything pink, frilly, lacey, and just plain gross! :eusa_sick) In saying all of that though, I still think that I'd rather be a guy than a girl... because that's more naturally who I am. And on another note, I've noticed since I've started to accept myself as bi, that generally I'm more attracted to slim, less muscular guys, and really petite girls... and I know that gender doesn't have anything to do with sexuality, but it sort of shows a theme, if you know what I mean. :eusa_thin Hmmm, I have no idea what any of this actually means! :rolle:
