I've ranted about my experience and just wanted to know if anyone else has had the same experience or can give me a piece of mind?! I grew up in a really relaxed environment, my parents didn't really care how I dressed when I was little, so, I usually wore dresses despite being boy. When I turned 6, I suddenly stopped wearing dresses and skirts though. I can't remember if my parents decided I was too old or if someone made a negative comment. Anyway, after that happened I somewhat "adapted" to being a boy. However, about 4 or 5 years later(age 9 or 10) I began to feel really unhappy, and started to wish, even pray, that someday I could wake up as a girl. I simply didn't want to be a boy and the thought of my biological sex made me depressed. I felt disembodied, or like my physical self in some way betrayed me. A year later I was hit by a car(Age 11), missed a year of school and was left somewhat traumatized. After that I was pretty much preoccupied with dealing with issues about the accident. I've felt very strongly disembodied through out my entire male life. Almost like my body belonged to someone else and my cognitive self/inner self/ what you want to call it was off somewhere else. So I hit the age of 15 and I slowly began to cross dress, again! I remember how good it actually felt, and it became almost like a stress relief. I say I started "slowly" cross dressing because I started off only wearing girl shoes. Gradually I escalated to wearing shirts, jeans, skirts and dresses, but it took me like a year to fully graduate to being in 100% female clothes. I vastly prefer female things, I love things like makeup, clothes etc. I also have a tendency to only ever compare myself to girls, so, I often feel jealous I girls that are perceive as pretty. I've always had long hair, and on occasion people used female pronouns to address me accidentally. However I'd always feel really happy when ever this happened!:icon_bigg I have even gotten angry before when my dad has called me "My guy" or slightly depressed even when people address me with male pronouns. In the last couple of months obessing over my gender identity, I basically decided that I must be trans, I've watched vlogs, read blogs and have spent like the past 9 months looking at this stuff day and night(everything else that I need to concentrate on has gone downhill since). I have had suicidal thoughts in the past, which have been in the context of conversations with my family(Over issues about cross dressing, however none of them know yet about me:tears I'm not really even sure what I'm asking for here, I just needed to tell someone this stuff, I'm like 99.99% sure I'm trans. But, I still have this slight doubt, what if I'm not trans and just really crazy or messed up? If I'm not trans, then I don't have a clue who I am! As I haven't told anyone about this, I have on access to a therapist. I've been going over this in my head over and over, I feel like I need a different view point than just my own. But, my greatest fear right now, is that someone will tell me I'm wrong and that I'm not trans.:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
I can entirely relate to your fear. Came out to my sister last night and the doubt has had me paralyzed with fear over the possibility that I've made a mistake. Doubt is yet another overwhelming part of our predicament. That said, your story is classic trans, but even in the worst case scenario that you come out and discover that you're not, at least you've resolved your struggle. There's a YouTube user named "hopefulkylee" who articulates all kinds of trans matters really well, and has been a huge help to me, if you're interested in checking her out. Best of luck!
Thank you for the YouTube user information. I'll definitely look her up. I feel I'll come out soon, I've been getting quite frustrated and it's starting to boil over to the surface. I suppose this is the kind of thing I'll never really know completely, until I come out of the closet, which kind of sucks. :eek:By the time I've come out and have a better idea who I am, I know people will have already changed their perception of me. It sucks I can't be positive of this myself before I let other people know. I don't want them to exploit my fear and use it against me.:tears:
This was a huge sign to me that I was in fact trans*. Being trans is not easy. If I was questioning my gender identity and actually cis, I should be relieved if people tried to tell me that. However it was terrifying to me. I wanted people to reassure me and tell me I'm trans. Even now midway through transition when someone tells me how something I said seems so "obviously trans" it makes me feel giddy. This in my mind is a huge sign that one is in fact trans. While I never had an accident like getting hit by a car, I can relate to a lot of what you said. I started praying to be a girl around 12 or 13. When that didn't work I eventually worked my way to praying to die in my sleep. I've also often felt that my life/body are not really mine. That I'm just inhabiting it. Its weird, and transition has made it stranger to be honest. The majority of my life memories feel like someone else's memories now. Looking at old pictures of me and reliving things from my past have an odd ambivalence to them. Its nostalgia combined with gender dysphoria. I wish I could be of more assistance, but reading through your post all I can tell you is that we seem to have very similar experiences regarding our gender, and I am currently on HRT transitioning. I get anxious about it a lot. I worry about getting disowned and all that, but I don't really doubt that I really am trans like I used to. Before when I used to identify as gay, it never really felt like it fit right. I thought I was lying to myself. I've never felt that same way about being trans since I started identifying as such.
When I look back on my own behavior and emotions, I can see quite clearly that I'm trans. Like you said, it fits, more so than anything else. What didn't fit was believing I was just a really "Effeminate" gay guy which I had done in the years prior. The problem was, I didn't identify as a guy at all. Still don't! I've already said how I've always felt disembodied, I've felt like this really for as long as I can remember. I catch my reflection sometimes and suddenly I feel mortified. That person in the mirror can't be me?! I often spend time just looking in the mirror with disbelief, followed by depression. There have been days when I'd walk out of school and I'd feel so completely disconnected that I'd spend ages just sitting down, with a dull, numb feeling. Completely separated from my body, yet completely constrained by it as well.
