Hi everybody, I've been reading a lot of the threads on here and I've found a lot in common with them. I just wanted to say that I'm pretty sure I'm MtF transgender, but I still have my doubts. From since I can remember, I remember praying to God to make me a girl and it didn't matter how it happened. Whether that be one day I'll just wake up as one, or all of a sudden estrogen starts feminizing me and people gradually begin to think "Hey there's something different here." I used to get picked on a lot from elementary school to High School, and so I don't know whether that had anything to do with my thoughts or not -- because I had a really difficult time accepting myself, and realizing I was okay even if I seemed different or looked different from the other kids. When I was a little boy, I played video games, rode bikes, played with G.I. Joes and the occasional New Kids On the Block doll! I loved them so much, I have no idea why. Hot wheels were fun too. As far as music goes I was always into the boy bands, New Kids On The Block, Backstreet Boys, Nsync, etc. even though the other guys didn't really care for that music much or openly admitted to it. But I've known I was different from a very early age, I can't exactly remember when.. maybe it was 9? It didn't start bothering me till I started entering puberty, and over the years I've realized I didn't just feel like a "girl" when I was around a guy I liked. But feelings come and go, so it's not like it's a 24/7 thing. When I was 23 I went to boot camp thinking it would make a "man" out of me. That didn't work, and these dysphoric thoughts really haven't gone away over the years. I made the mistake of telling my Mom about it once when I was a teenager, and to say she freaked out would have been an understatement. As I've talked to her about things similar to this she seems open to the idea of people being gay, as long as it's not me. She's also made some comments that seemed a little transphobic as if she really doesn't understand what a transgendered woman goes through. My Dad on the other hand has always seemed supportive, and has always told me that my happiness is far more important to him regardless of whom I love or what happens with my body. Life is just too short, to not be who you are and to be happy is what he says. I'm a truck driver now so I have a lot of time to think about these things, and the more I think about it the more I begin to feel like I'm living a lie. I'm about average stature, and have very broad shoulders. If you saw me you might think I was a weightlifter, but I'm really not that strong! A part of me hates the fact that I don't look as feminine as I want to, and when I look in the mirror I'm always like "Who is this person? Because, that's not who I feel I am deep down." I know I should really talk to someone who specializes in this, as it would help me clarify my own thoughts. I've been thinking about what I would write here for several days, but my thoughts still seem rather muddled. I want to feminize my appearance, but at the same time I'm absolutely terrified! Yet I'm not sure how long I can go keeping up some sort of charade by pretending to be someone or something I'm not. All of the people I wish I looked like are women, and even when I see an attractive woman in the streets I'm not thinking of what I would want to do with her as your average heterosexual man might. I'm more thinking along the lines of "Oh what a cute outfit." or "I wish I looked like that", and it sort of saddens me really. I was just trying to see what do y'all think? I'm open to advice and suggestions with this sort of dilemma.
hey there, your story is almost the same as mine, i know its scary, im scared too, i wish i could give you some advice but im still dealing with it yet, but best of luck to you!
I remember hot wheels!:icon_bigg I also remember when I was a little kid I always really badly wanted a "My little pony" toy. Lol! I can relate to this, it was around the age of 8 or 9 that I really started to feel 'Different.' I also prayed God would make me a girl too, in exactly the same way. When it didn't happen I thought I'd done something wrong, so, I convinced myself I was happy as a boy. Literally, I'd repeat to myself "I'm happy as a boy" every night until I fell asleep. Needless to say, it didn't work.
I know the story... Really only you can tell whether or not you are transgender. I remember doing a lot of those same things. Also I don't know if you like them or not, but Go Vols!
Thanks for the replies y'all, so even though I was into all those things as a kid -- doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not trans? I was wondering if because I didn't act "girly" then if that means it wasn't the case? But I always heard gender expression is different from gender identity. I'm pretty sure there are girls that are or were into video games, riding bikes, hot wheels, etc. You're right though ultimately only I can know if I am or not, it's like when you come to realize you're attracted to the same sex -- no one can tell you you're not.. because they don't know what's going through your mind and emotions.
