Gay for ten years...maybe?

I'm not sure this posted the first time, so I apologize if this shows up as a double post...I'll delete it if it does.

Hello everyone,

I'm new to empty closets, just signed up.

I don't even know why I'm on here writing; I know that I should "man up" and just accept things the way they are...but I'm so confused, upset, and even despairing that I just feel the need to reach out and ask for some feedback.

I also don't know where to start with my story...so I guess I'll start with where I am now.

I don't know why or how or what, but for the second time in my life, I'm sitting here questioning my sexuality. I'm so angry and bitter that I'm here in this place all over again, but I am. Except this time, it's even worse than the first time...I'm questioning if I am gay anymore; indeed, if I ever really was gay.

I'm 26 years old, and came out of the closet at 16. I'd known I was gay since hitting puberty, maybe even before; men were all I was ever attracted to, all I'd ever fantasized about. I was deeply ashamed of that fact, though. I lived in terror that someone would find out, and I hoped and prayed that god would make me straight, that I would finally be "normal." I was so filled with self-loathing and fear, that I even attempted suicide. I swore I'd never ever tell anyone, but one day I just did. It was the best thing I'd ever done, although I didn't know it at the time. My coming out experience was a very depressing affair; there was even a few times where I questioned if I'd made a mistake, if I'd come out too soon, if I really was gay. There were a few other suicide attempts after the fact, but I overcame that depression and was able to live life as an out (if not necessarily proud) gay man.

Fast forward ten years, to now. I've dated and hooked up with numerous men over the past decade, had a few boyfriends. But it was always my most fervent hope to find the man of my dreams, to find a long-term partner, a man to spend the rest of my life with. I was so sure that I knew what I wanted. I finally met that man last year. He was literally everything I'd ever dreamed of finding in boyfriend, the kind of man I'd hoped for and daydreamed for years, literally. He was a bit older than me (44 to my 26) but I didn't care; older men had always been one of my types. I fell for him completely, head over heals. Although I'd had relationships in the past, he was my first real, significant relationship. I was so sure he was the one that I moved in with him after four months. Almost immediately, though I began to question if it was the right move. I started having doubts; not because of anything he did or said (he wasn't perfect, but nothing that was a deal breaker), but just doubts. I realize now that these kind of doubts are normal in a relationship, especially after the honeymoon phase is over, but I kept feeling them. I refused to acknowledge them, though, and shoved them away. I began seeing a therapist, hoping to gain some insight. After every session I felt better, but then those nagging doubts came back, which I didn't understand:

How could I question my love for my boyfriend? How could I question this relationship? Sure we moved fast, and I threw myself into the relationship, but it and he are everything I've ever wanted, why am I not happy? This caused me a LOT of stress over the last month and a half of the relationship. I began to question everything; if I'd wanted this for so long and suddenly seem to to not want anymore, what else in my life that I'd been so sure of up to this point do I not really want? Is it my boyfriend? Is it this kind of relationship? Is it men overall? I began to question my sexuality, and this has led to a major identity crisis.

I'm just devastated. All this doubt, all this questioning. The crux of the matter at this point is: in questioning my sexuality, I no longer really feel an attraction to men, and have discovered an attraction to women that while not unacknowledged, was never really taken seriously. I remember what I was attracted to in men, I remember my "types", but although my eyes are drawn to them, there is nothing there. There is for women, now, though. Sometimes there's something there for men again, but it's not with the same intensity. The thrill, the rush of attraction, it's all gone. The thing is, I don't want to be straight. I want to be gay; I treasured that part of my identity. I of course didn't define myself completely by it, but with that unraveling, I have no idea what else in my life is true. Like I said in the beginning part of this post, I know I should just see the writing on the wall, and "man up" and accept this because nothing stays the same; accept it and move on, but I just can't. It's SO HARD to let this go, because that ideal, that dream relationship with a boyfriend, was so comforting to me. And even though the relationship didn't last with my previous boyfriend, for a short period of time I was happier than I'd even been in my entire life. I just can't imagine having that same kind of relationship with a woman. But just as the "straight man" suddenly realizing he's actually gay has to accept it, I feel like I need to as well, just from the opposite end.

This isn't the way it was supposed to go. A lot of people I know are saying that it's not necessarily a question of sexuality; sometimes, in a relationship, even though people are perfect on paper, they're just not "it," they're just not meant to be. Some say I've just been traumatized, and that I'm torturing myself over the failure of this relationship, over guilt that I've broken the heart of someone I care so much for but whose love I couldn't return in full...which would make sense, except for the flip flopping in attractions.

I know there are people who are going to say I shouldn't put so much importance on labels, I should in the future look for who the person is rather than what they are, and all that jazz...but that's so easy for someone who is secure in their own sexuality to say. I just wish I were normal...I wish I could just be like the vast majority of people out there, secure in wherever they are on the spectrum of sexuality...I thought I'd had everything figured out. Now I realize I know nothing. Am I gay? Was I ever really gay? I wonder if maybe I'd come out of the closet too early, if maybe everyone in my highschool who said "it's just a phase" was right...I hate my life right now.

I apologize for making this so long; I could write a ton more about this situation, but I won't right now. I don't even know why I'm reaching out in the first place...I'm the only one who can help myself. I guess I'm just wondering if this has happened to someone else? I've found a few examples on the internet, but it always seems to be with lesbians, or teenaged/early 20's boys. Has this happened to anyone in their late 20s or even later, and have they switched back? Or is this permanent? I'm so upset I'm back to this questioning place again..

I'm so confused.

 

Hi Viridian,

I'd thought about calling myself bisexual, but I thought that would just be unnecessarily drawing out the process of...well, whatever I'm going through. I don't know, I'm just very much a "black or white" sort of person. I know how detrimental that is when it comes to sexuality, but it's hard to let go of.

As for my coming out experience, it was pretty typical. I was very religious, very involved in the church, mostly as penance for what I thought were sinful thoughts (my attraction to men). One night, I told one of my friends in my youth, almost on accident, that I had a crush on one of the guys in my class. Saying his name to my friend was one of the most relieving, liberating experiences of my life. After that, I eventually went from naming my crushes to just saying that I like men, and want a relationship, a boyfriend. I was living in Italy at the time, attending a tiny American school (my dad was in the Air Force, we were stationed over there), so I was the only gay guy in the whole school. I didn't have my first experience with another guy until two years later, during my senior year of high school, after we'd moved to Colorado, when I met my first boyfriend (we were together for a year). During those two years, though, especially in the first year after I came out, I was miserable. Like I said in my first post, after I came out I wondered if I'd made a mistake, that I'd come out prematurely. According to my best friend at school (a lesbian) and a number of gay guys my age I was talking to online, that kind of doubt after coming out was normal, so whenever it happened I dismissed those doubts of sexuality as not valid; I'd always been gay before, so I must still be. (Kind of the same logic I used with my previous boyfriend; I'd always wanted this, so I must still want this). But because of my religiousness before coming out, those first years afterwards I'd felt "persecuted by god," that I wasn't supposed to be gay because that was immoral...you know, all that nonsense. That's where a few of my suicide attempts at the time came from...shame at the thought I'd made a mistake, shame at showing people my deepest secret, etc.

So, like I said, not an unusual coming out experience...but completely irrelevant now, since at this point in time it feels like it happened to a completely different person. One that I can't relate to or connect to anymore.

 

Lamonia,

You're absolutely right, you touched on so many things that I'm going through. It's not just sexuality (even thought that's the biggest part). It's everything. My career, my interests, my hobbies, even my love of family and friends...was any of it ever real, ever really me? Who am I now? I feel adrift, disconnected...like an alien in my own head, as you put it so perfectly. I don't know where to go from here. It's not like I have something anymore that I can use to distract myself...literally everything in my life is in question.

And you're right, I am in mourning, severe mourning, and scared and upset that I can't control anything, feeling completely helpless...but I have to have something to lean on. Some kind of identity or part of an identity that I can lean on and use to move forward. I can't just "exist" or not commit myself to an identity, living day to day...what does that even mean? I understand that this kind of crisis is normal...but waking up every day is still difficult, when I don't know what strive for in the future, when I don't have a plan or even a dream I can strive for. That's why sexuality is the biggest part of this...sure, plenty of people of go through this, but that basic, most common foundation we all have, our sexuality, most people don't dive that deep and question it, I feel like. If it were just my career or other parts of my identity, that'd be fine...but my sexuality? How can I imagine a future when I don't know who/what I'm looking for? How can I hope to love or be loved when I don't even know myself? I see a very lonely future for myself.
That's why it's so hard to let go of, that ideal that I had. That's why it's so hard for me to get over my ex boyfriend. He really was fantastic, and I wish it could have worked. He loved me very much, and I wish I could return it in kind....
But you're right, again, about my wondering if that's all there is. I am restless, and don't know where to go from here, either physically, mentally, emotionally, geographically, etc...

I just wish this weren't the case.

 

Stray,

I'm not sure it's newfound so much as it's newly acknowledged. Once, in college, I'd wanted to experiment, but never got around to that...and I was okay with that. I mean, before I'd always said I was 90% gay, 10% not, because I could see when a woman was attractive, but I didn't feel the need to go any further. It just wasn't a thing, wasn't an issue; my attraction to men was always the overriding one, both emotionally and physically. However, with my most recent relationship experience with my ex boyfriend that I've mentioned in my previous posts, I wonder if I ever really was, if I was just deluding myself (similar to what I did as a teenager, pretending to be straight), if it was ever meant to be. It was so romantic : (. Which depresses me. I'm not yearning to be with women; I feel like I have to, what with the flipflopping of attractions. The thought of being with a man, both in a relationship or sexually, brings me a lot of anxiety right now. Whether it's because of the stress I put myself through trying to make my previous relationship work, or whether it's because I'm afraid being with one would be the final proof that I'm not gay anymore, I'm not sure...but I suspect I know. I mean, I can still fantasize and watch some of the same porns I used to...but it takes a lot more work, and it's lacking in the same intensity from before. I can kind of with women...but it's not with the same intensity, thrill, and joy it was with men.

Regarding telling other people, I'd told everyone a few weeks ago, after the breakup, that maybe I'm bisexual. That didn't solve anything though; I feel like saying I'm bisexual just makes yearn for the past. I've told my family that I'm not gay anymore. It's funny, no one believes me, which used to bring me comfort (because maybe I was just so confused as a result of the breakup, and that the people closest to me who know me where i don't know myself right now), but I no longer think that's valid. I do discuss it with my therapist, but that doesn't help as much as I wish it did.

I understand that I may just have to accept that my likes have changed; I even suspect I know exactly how I will be in the future, but I don't want to accept it. I know it's probably inevitable, and I'm just drawing out the process and bringing myself more anguish by refusing to let go...but it's so hard.

I wish I'd never come out the first time at all; if I'd stayed in the closet the last ten years, this wouldn't be happening...

Anyways, thank you so much for taking the time reply, I appreciate it. I've seen some of your replies to other people on the forums, and they are levelheaded, rational, and helpful. Thank you.

 

Hi Musician,

I tried sending you a private message, and posting on your wall, but I guess that is veroten...Anywho, thank you very much for taking the time to write. I was just writing back because I was confused as to what you meant in terms of my experience making you want to stay with your girlfriend more, I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean?

I'm sure you can relate, but I feel like such an alien, I haven't come across very many cases like mine in my research at all; that's why I came to EmptyClosets, in the hopes that I could interact with someone who has had the same experience. But someone with a mirror experience is close enough, similar enough. I'm so upset that this has happened; I know I'll be alright in time, but I almost don't want to be, you know? I don't want to "get over this," or accept it and move on; I want it all back. But I also feel like I have no choice. I wish I could go back to the way I was; I was so happy with myself, and even though I wasn't secure, I was far more secure with myself then than I am now. I was so full of hope for the future, I couldn't wait to meet The Man of My Dreams!...but all of this happening makes me wonder, did I ever really want it? I don't know. I was just wondering how else your experience compared to mine, if you don't mind taking some time to share. Again, thank you for writing, I hope things work out for you as well.

 

I'm not sure how similar our situations are, then, wrhla and Musician : (. You see, I remember what I was attracted to, and my eyes are even drawn to it still; today at work, as a matter of fact, I saw a guy I've had a crush on for awhile whom I saw, and immediately, unbidden, I was like "Wow! He is absolutely gorgeous!"...but then I come home, and try to masturbate to the porns that embody what I've always been attracted to, but there's just...something missing. If you'll permit me a little bit of explicit words: I can get hard to men in these porns, but the orgasm just seems...off. The thrill seems to be gone, the rush, the "ohmygosh that's hot!"...Whereas with women, I don't get nearly as hard, but there is some titillation there? I just fee like with men, the attraction and hope/imaginings for a relationship are completely gone. Getting back to similarities, though, I did have a "phase" as a teenager, right after I came out of the closet; that's what caused most of my depression then, and then again once in college. Didn't last long though....And you do seem to have gone through this for longer than I have...so maybe it really is similar?

I'm sorry for all the see-sawing...I'm just grasping for something here, anything, within which I can build a framework...I hate the thought of it being completely gone with me. I'm thinking sad things, like, did I ever really like men? Was it just because it was taboo? Because it was just a phase that's gone forever? Do I now look at men because I appreciate male beauty in only an artistic, academic sense now? *sigh*

Btw, I really wish I could post on walls...

 

It's so hard to think that the last decade of my life was a lie, a phase.

 

I really wish I could connect with someone who's situation is exactly like mine, a "gay" guy who is no longer so (maybe even never was?), who is now "straight." Does anyone know of someone like that? Even heard of it?

 

As I've gone through these forums and read the posts of various people and their situations, I have to make an observation...my gawd, there's a little bit of everything....I'm trying to find something, someone, some situation somewhere regarding sexuality that's just like mine so I can extrapolate...but I can't, and as I read some of these sexuality confusion other people are going through to provide context in my own life and and try to make sense of things, I just get even more confused. In trying to bring order to chaos, I only make things more chaotic. The more I try to make sense of things by reading what others are going through, the more confused I get. I "love" trying to analyze everything and make sense of it, but in this instance, for the first time ever, I just can't. I literally can't, and I have to accept that. I saw my life before as like a movie, and I was its star; now, I have to just "BE," inside of myself. And that's so hard to get used to. I really miss everything from before, and I hope I can get back to some kind of normal soon. I don't want to be in this limbo for years : (.

I still hope that I end up going in some kind of long circle and end up back where I started, though...albeit with more perspective, experience, and appreciation....that image I had forever, that dream that still won't die, of the kind of relationship, the boyfriend, that I'd always wanted, and with the kind of boyfriend I had until so recently...that's not being delusional, or me being in denial, is it?