Growing up I had issues, borderline and depression since I was around ten or so, and I've always hated myself and my body. I've been working on being healthier and more honest with myself and actually paying attention to things I've ignored and tried to suppress. I've always identified better with males and halfheartitly wanted to be one since it seemed easier, and now I know without a doubt I wish I was born as a male, that I don't want this body in the slightest. I just want to do less than kind things to my body, and to be honest even if a part of me knew for the longest time, for the rational side of me it's all happening a bit fast and I'm overwhelmed. Realizing I made myself a girly girl because I was teased for being me and seeking my mother's approval, actually running away from anything masculine or boyish, yet running towards it at the same time, just living a lie and worse lying to myself for the better part of my life, and to suddenly 'wake up' and see all this... I've been in extensive therapy for the better part of a year after a stint in a hospital (I knew something was wrong and it was killing me, but.. literally in this moment I'm starting to see just what the problem might have been) I'm literally losing myself again to depression, not eating, cleaning, generally taking care of myself. I chopped off my hair and it helped a lot, but I'm no expert and though I don't regret cutting my hair for a moment (from half way down my back to the longest not even touching my shoulders) I go back and forth about how I feel because depends on how it looks, it almost seems more girly than the long hair I had. For the most part I'm going back and forth between numbness and lower ends of depression, and I just feel so lost. When I didn't acknowledge my gender issues I identified as a girl. And now... I'm just so confused as to where I fit in. I've talked to a select few friends about it, only one understanding where I'm coming from, and I can tell I'm transfixing on this. I just want to take action and fix things, but I don't know how, there's only so much I can do. I just wish I could have transitioned with this as well as discovering my sexuality, but no such luck. Sorry for the rambling or going back and forth, I've never been good as expressing myself. I guess what I'm looking for is some comrodity and perhaps if possible some answers.
Listen. You are not alone. You're not wrong for feeling like this, and many of us (myself included), have been where you are. I was that girl, being femine to appease my mother, running away from a masuline identity because it was "wrong". It's your identity and who you want to be is all on you. And it's okay not to know right now, and it's also okay to settle on a label and see what happens. You might be a man, if that's what you know yourself to be. You might be genderfluid, bigendered. And none of these labels or identities are any worse or better than another- it's whatever you figure yourself out to be. Educate yourself. Learn the terms. Find trans* blogs, find support groups (if at all possible). Experiment (if it's safe) with your gender expression. Bind. Pack. See if it feels right. Take care of yourself. You might not be fond of your body but your health is one of the best things you have. If you want to transition, better health can only benefit you. And you mentioned you're in therapy- bring up your gender issues and if your therapist isn't understanding of transgender/identity issues, then see if you find someone better suited to figuring yourself out. Hang in there, man, you'll figure it out.
Thanks for your response. I'm not completely there yet but I'm doing a lot better now than I was. I checked out blogs like you suggested and I keep reading up and trying to learn, identify, prepare myself. Also I got my hair fixed to perfection and can't stop checking myself out, apparently I have an ego after all. Btw sappy as it is I got the biggest grin reading your last line.
