Came out at work!

OK, so tonight, I came out at work, hence the title. It happened kind of randomly. It started with me being asked by one of my coworkers if I like girls. We were all standing in the back, so everyone heard him ask. And I just said I did. I mean, I do have some level of attraction to them. I've been with one. I wanted to marry one at one point because she was the most awesome woman I'd ever met.

It kind of went from there. One of the girls in the group said, "Oh, I knew it." I guess some of the things I'd said before kind of tipped everyone off. So as I talked about my history of going to college parties to meet girls, it eventually led up to discussing my gender identity. Strangely enough, everyone was very accepting! All the teasing and random pestering stopped after I came out. I'm not sure why, but it did. I have a feeling that I'll be asked about it by the coworkers who weren't there for it a are bound to hear it through the grapevine, but I'm happy with who I am. I wanted to cry because I was so glad to finally be accepted as who I am by more people than my husband and a few of my friends. I think it was so weird because no one at work seemed too surprised by it at all, and I've only been working there a couple months.

However, I also came out a couple hours ago to another friend of mine, and he was pretty shocked. I've known him for years! I figured that if anyone would say, "Well, it's about time", it would be him, but he freaked out a little and asked me a whole bunch of questions, the first of which was whether or not I wanted to pursue a sex change.

I don't think I want to, to be honest. In case I'm going to regret it, I should just wait. I'd like to take testosterone just to see how that goes, but from what I've heard, just that in itself is very expensive. I think that for right now, chest binding is the way to go. I'm considering getting a binder and just trying it on at home to see how it looks, then showing my husband.

One of the big reasons I don't want a full sex change is because I want to remain legally female so I can continue being married to my husband. Plus, he's straight, so changing my body completely would almost definitely make things between us weird. Maybe it wouldn't, but I don't want to take that chance. I love him, and as a man, I feel so much freedom. However, as a woman, I feel like I have to hide my sexuality, which has been making sex very difficult lately.

I've also been trying to figure out why I'm transgender. I wondered if perhaps it's because, being raised by a single dad, I felt that I wasn't good enough for him as a girl. Maybe I want to escape my past by becoming a different person. But after tonight, I can honestly say that I just am. I was talking to one of the guys at work about how, when I was probably 5, I wanted to run around with my shirt off, and everyone told me to put my shirt on because I was a girl. It confused the crap out of me! But then eventually, I just learned that being feminine was inherently expected of me. So I became, for a time, completely female, but as time when on, I realized that I was lying to myself, that I wasn't happy, that masculinity is what had empowered me all along and that I needed to stop shutting it out.

So here I am. I've been teaching myself to speak from my chest instead of my head so that I sound more masculine. I'm considering ordering a binder for my chest. I already wear men's clothes and underwear. I have a great sense of style as both sexes. So does anyone have any recommendations or advice? Any would be appreciated.

 

Thanks. I really appreciate that. I think I'd be more comfortable transitioning socially. I still have to "be a girl" to appease my family, at least for now. I'll probably go out of town, somewhere where nobody knows me, and see if I can pass. Maybe I'll take a male friend with me to reign me in in case I'm reading too "girl" to accomplish my goal. I know there are plenty of feminine guys out there, but I don't want onlookers to question my masculinity. I don't want to give my biological sex away. I want to be called man, dude, and sir by everyone I run across. It's exciting to think about. I can't wait to get started! :icon_bigg