Hi, This is the first time I've ever reached out for help about gender identity. I was born biologically female, and identified as a bisexual female by age 13, pansexual at 15. Since I was about 13 (I'm 22 now), I've been having troubles with my gender identity. I would have feelings of "why do I have to be female?" "why am I male in a female body" and such feelings on and off since then. This morning I woke up and I have this very very strong feeling of being male in this female body. I've had this before, and looked into getting surgery...but it was something I never could commit too. This feeling this morning is different some how... I feels more permanent and I feel like I've lost my identity as to who I am. I look down and I have breasts, but when I reach down I expect to feel a penis. I don't know my male name, I don't know who will react in what way around me, I don't know what to tell my boyfriend (who's just accepted my pansexuality), I don't even know IF I should tell my boyfriend. I really need some help please
Hey there- I'm sorry that you're feeling confused right now. Try not to worry about that-- it's incredibly normal when you're questioning something as big as gender identity! To be honest, your story sounds a lot like my own. I never experienced discrimination for being female, but I always felt vaguely dissatified with the lable. Then one day I woke up, put on male clothes (under the guise that it wouldn't change anything) and... bam. Knew I was transgender. It was a slow moving question that, when it got answered, realy left me feeling lost, as if my identity had totally changed. It's important to remember that gender is really such a small part of who you are. Everything else about your identity-- your interests, hobbies, affections, ect-- those don't change because your gender does. They can be anchors when you feel your identity is lost. As for what you do next, I would suggest spending some more time researching how you feel. For example, try socially presenting as male in certain situations, cutting your hair, reaching out to other transgender people either in real life or on EC. How do you feel about those situations? Based on those feeligns, I would sugggest telling your boyfriend after taking those steps. If you want to transition, getting a gender therapist is one of the next big steps. The website Laura's Playground has a list of gender therapists by state if you're in the US. Woops, sorry for the wall of text.
I cut my hair this morning and I can actually look myself in the mirror now! I've talked to my landlord and she's fine with me living as a man while at home. I've set up a appointment with someone to talk to on the 10th, and on the 17th of June. Currently I can't find anything to bind my breasts, but they're a bit of a bigger problem right now. I can't wear the tank tops I used to love to wear, because it doesn't look right at all! Thank you so much Eli!(*hug*)
