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Confused about pretty much everything.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by temporaryterror, May 28, 2013.

  1. temporaryterror

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 28, 2013
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    Location:
    Oahu, HI, USA.
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Okay, so I was raised in a slightly homophobic household, due to my father. My mom never had a problem with anything that had to do with the LGBT community, but it was never really "talked about" in my home. My dad acts like he's not all that homophobic, but if something serious gets mentioned about anything LGBT, he goes into Raised-in-a-small-town-in-Georgia mode and gets defensive. He regularly uses homophobic slurs, and completely denies the existence of the Trans* community.

    I believe this is where the root of my problems lie. Don't get me wrong, my dad is a wonderful guy outside of this topic. He's typically very cheerful, and is easy to get along with. The only thing that bothers me is that, in all areas of his life, he's easily frustrated. But I digress. I've been confused about my gender and sexuality for a very long time now. I've never really identified as anything, and whenever it was mentioned or I was asked, I'd swiftly direct the attention away from me. I didn't like the idea of identifying as something to another person, only to find out it wasn't like that at all. I've dealt with rumors, which never really bothered me. I was just as confused and questioning as they were! There wasn't any bullying done to me, so I figured it was just healthy curiosity. No harm done.
    But now I feel like I should be feeling one way or another at this age. I have had a few boyfriends, and none of them were ever satisfying. I had one encounter with a girl during a playful Spin The Bottle game at a post-game party, and while I wasn't particularly attracted to her, it had been more satisfying and sure than any kiss I'd had with a boy.

    But this is where I'm having a problem. I have some pretty strong crushes on a few male celebrities, but every relationship I've had with a male has been uncomfortable and awkward. I've had a huge crush on my female best friend since I met her, but I grew to like her even more as I discovered more things about her. The initial attraction had worn off, and I sort of "fell in like" with her as a person. After about two weeks with a guy, the whole "OH MY GOD I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP LOOK IT'S SO EXCITING AND WONDERFUL" wears off, and I get bored. I know it's not because I have horrible taste in men, because I still keep in touch with most of the boys, and I'm very good friends with them. They're good guys. It's just that guys are so horribly simple to me. I have nothing against men, but I get bored. They're pretty predictable, and the few who weren't were almost annoying with their unpredictability. They weren't the good kind of unpredictable, where everything is a mystery and it's interesting, no, they were just flat out random. It was exhausting.

    I am confused, because while I do have some pretty serious crushes on celebrities who are male, any male that I've attempted to have a relationship with is disappointing. Well, not the man, but the relationship. It's boring and incomplete. I'm never satisfied, and I'm left feeling empty, like I'd wasted my efforts and energy on a lost cause.

    I've never really had a relationship with a female, but I feel like I'd like to explore that. I don't know if it's just me, and if I'm meant to live in solitude, but I'd like to try every option and go down every road before I come to that conclusion.

    I don't think anyone at my school understands the concept of "Questioning" at all, and that's going to be a huge barrier. I don't really feel like I'm bisexual. But, the deal breaker with that is that I really like those celebrities, and they're all very masculine by nature. There's so much I'm confused about, and I'm unsure of myself.

    I also have a lingering gender identity issue:

    I would like to think I'm gender fluid, but I'm waiting until I am 110% sure of this before I say anything certain. Some day I like wearing make up and wearing dresses, and then the next day I can pull a 180 and dress in some bootcut jeans and a flannel button down, and feel completely comfortable doing both. My friend actually pokes fun at me about this, because I tend to thicken and fill in my eyebrows a lot more on days where I'm feeling masculine, so she guesses my "Day" by my eyebrows. I find this hilarious, but it's also a testament to my fluidity. I don't really feel like I tomboy. On days where I feel more masculine, I feel a lot more male than female, rather than being a tomboy and feeling like a less feminine female. I'm not sure where to go with this, and I'm going to have hell with my dad if I ever find a definite answer and decide to come out about it.

    I'm unsure of what I should do with my dad, and I don't know how to really find an answer. My sexuality is the biggest issue for me at the moment, but any advice and/or feedback on my gender identity issue would be very appreciated!
     
  2. wrhla

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2013
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    Location:
    L.A.
    You don't say how old you are, so I'm not sure of how long you've been mulling all this. But here's roughly what I think.

    Stop worrying so much about your dad. I know this isn't easy. We internalize our parents' attitudes much more than we ever know. And we form images of ourselves that are based on how others see us or expect us to be. Your dad sounds like a decent enough guy, and I bet that if you turned out to be gay, he'd change the way he saw gay people and the kind of language he uses. No one has challenged him on it, so he sees no reason to change it. (I'm guessing you're a military brat?)

    Being turned on by celebrities is irrelevant. I see women I find attractive every day.And once upon a time, I would have asked them out, maybe slept with them, maybe had a relationship with them for a short while. But, just as you say, I would get bored after a short period and find something not quite right about her. And deep inside, another part of me was dying to sleep with guys. But I kept that buried and didn't act on it. So I went through life confused and frustrated.

    You don't want to go through life confused and frustrated. It's no fun. And you're not meant to live in solitude. It seems pretty clear to me that you want to at least try sleeping with a woman and seeing how it feels. You should do that. My gut tells me that you might find that it suits you. But you'll never know if you don't try.