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unsure about my identity

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by harvis, May 28, 2013.

  1. harvis

    Regular Member

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    hi everyone, i'm posting here to get my thoughts out as i'm struggling with them a lot. hopefully someone has some good advice for me too.

    basically, i'm 20 years old and i've been out as gay for about 2 years. i'm totally comfortable with that but recently i've been starting to question my gender identity and i feel really lost and like i don't have any support. i get really upset about it and i find it really hard to talk about. i've started hanging out less with my college queer group even because we always do "name and pronoun" rounds at events and i don't want to talk about my pronouns.

    i don't have any stories about how i've always been masculine, played with boys toys as a kid etc.. i've always had female friends and i feel much more comfortable around women. i don't really have any male friends because i've had a lot of bad experiences with men in my life, and with being seen as a woman i've always found it safer and easier to be around other women. but i'm not sure if i'm a woman?

    for a lot of my life i've tried to present myself feminine and i've always felt uncomfortable, but i always thought that had more to do with anxiety about my appearance or something. as far as i know it might. but after i came out as queer one thing i found really wonderful was that i felt it was suddenly acceptable for me to present myself more masculine, so i tried doing it and i felt way more comfortable. a couple of years later i wear guys clothes, have a buzzcut, and bind my chest most days.

    but even being more masculine it wasn't until i met some trans and genderqueer people that i started to think about my own gender identity. i feel very uncomfortable about my chest, as i said i bind, and i don't like having my chest touched during sex and things like that. i wish i just had a flat chest and if i had access to it i would definitely get top surgery. but i don't think i really want a dick -- again with the sex stuff (sorry) but i do always feel uncomfortable about vaginal penetration and i've never been sure why exactly. maybe gender stuff has something to do with it? i dunno

    sometimes i also feel unhappy about being referred to with female pronouns or being referred to as a woman. sometimes it doesn't bother me too much, but sometimes it really gets to me and i just wish people would stop. i don't really pass as a guy but occasionally i get "he" and "sir" and i always feel really pleased. i'm not sure if i want to be a he though? it seems weird in my head to refer to myself as he, but she makes me unhappy. i know lots of people use gender neutral pronouns and i guess i might be happy with that but i know my family and most people are never going to understand that. if i was to transition i don't want to constantly get "she" because people don't understand "they".

    i guess my problem is that i know it's possible to be a masculine woman and i wonder if that's just what i am and i'm making things more complicated than they should be. after all, i don't know if i would be happy living as a guy. but i'm not happy now either and i don't understand why this would be something i spent so much time thinking about if i'm just a woman? i don't know. i've identified as butch for a while, and i know some butches bind and pack and stuff like that and still identify as women, so maybe i am just overthinking the chest stuff and the pronoun stuff?

    i'm just really confused. it's all been on my mind a lot recently because at the end of next year i'm moving interstate and i know that would be the perfect opportunity to transition if that was something i wanted. i realised i would be able to change my name to a more male name much more easily than living here and i'm excited about that. i've been researching transitioning in other ways but i just don't know? sometimes i think about being a guy and everyone seeing me as a guy and it seems like something i really want, but sometimes i think about it and i'm not sure that it is. i wish there was an easy way to figure it out.

    i hope all that makes sense :frowning2:
     
  2. Hey!

    Looks like you're okay to me, and everything you said makes perfect sense. Obviously you have questions about your gender identity, so you definitely know you fall outside of the "Male/Female" binary system as many of us do including myself. Just try to think of what would make you happiest? Ask yourself questions like: If I spent the rest of my life as a woman, with the woman I loved -- would I be happiest? Or, would I be happiest spending the rest of my life with the woman I loved as a man? Keep in mind there are differences between sexual attraction and gender identity.

    Also when people talk about you, and think about you. Do you want them saying "He's such a great guy", or "She was an amazing lady"? Take time to think about it, and don't feel like you have to rush to any answers. Also I've found the sticky posted at the top under Gender Identity with links to terminology, etc. to be very helpful in understanding it better. There are transgendered people who decide to never transition, but this doesn't invalidate their gender identity. We are so much more than what's in between our legs, and everyone has their own reasons as to why they would or wouldn't pursue something. But also keep in mind, that only you can answer who you truly are -- no one can tell you that you are trans. All anyone can do is give you advice, and try to answer questions and hopefully it will help clarify some of what's going on through your mind.

    There's a lot of amazing people here at EmptyClosets and know that we're here for you! (*hug*)(&&&)
     
  3. hiddenxrainbows

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    It makes sense to me. I totally feel like this! I was never the "typical" chick, but I never questioned my identity until some months ago. And I'm still not sure exactly what I am. I think I'm some sort of genderqueer or something, because I don't think I'm ftm. Sometimes, I wonder about being a man, but I don't think I could actually transition and live as a man. But at the same time, I kind of hate being referred to as a woman. Sometimes, I wish I could get a surgery to make it so I just had nothing at all, just a smooth space of skin where genitals should be. Or that I could just willingly change back and forth between the sexes. Because I'm not comfortable living as a woman, but I don't think I'd be happier as a man.

    Sorry for the rant. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone ^_^ Maybe you are ftm, but maybe you're not. Maybe you're some other sort of transgender. Maybe like a demigirl or genderfluid or genderqueer. Idk. You'd have to look up some trans terms and see which one seems like you the most. But if you need someone to talk to about this kinda stuff, you could always pm me or something. I'm going through the same stuff as you right now, so I might be able to help a little.