1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Growing Sense of Dysphoria?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Balloonwolf, Jun 2, 2013.

  1. Balloonwolf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 12, 2013
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    A while back, I had barely thought of the possibility I might be transgender, whether female or genderfluid. I spoke with the therapist, and she discussed with me to work towards being myself and to not label myself. I didn't know how to take that, but I used it, and have been working towards being honest.
    Over the past week, however, I've found myself acting more feminine, more excited when people refer to me under my female name and set of pronouns, more interested in skirts and blouses, and and I'm more interested in being female rather than male. I woke up today, and I looked into the mirror. In it, I saw the unwashed hair (stayed up late and didn't wash up), and the unshaven face--it disgusted me. The day before, I trimmed and nearly shaved my leg and chest hair, under arm hair. It feels comfortable with it off.

    I guess the reason why I am posting this is I need support. This is all so new to me, and the idea of being a woman is exciting yet confusing. Did anyone else go through this, or something like this?
     
  2. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    Well, for me, when I began realizing that I might be male, I had similiar feelings to you. I had just joined EC, I was forming my identity and beginning to let myself be known as a man.

    I was having male pronouns being associated with me. I felt male. I'd never been overly found of my body though I'd never felt it was "wrong". (At one point, I'd actually wanted to look more feminine because then I'd be recognized as "pretty" or as a "real woman", which is what I grew up knowing everyone wanted of me), but my chest began to bother me and I started wearing sports bras to help deal with it. I crossdressed, adopted a new name. I'd look in the mirror or photographs and see a woman- which depressed me.

    Now, there had always been a little bit of a discomfort with being feminine. I'd hear myself be referred to as a woman and it'd make me uncomfortable. I hated the sensation of being turned on and I hated the sight of my breasts poking out of shirt. Or I'd even be in an all female setting and I'd feel like an outlier.

    Along with other things (being irritated by female pronouns, my legal name, etc), I think part of this growing sense of dysphoria was because that now I'd finally confirmed my identity as male, no one else would see me as male because of my body, or because of name/upbringing, etc. Even though it hasn't even been that long since taking stock of my past and realizing I was male, there's no going back for me.

    I think, for you, maybe it's because you now know who you are and what you've grown used to being referred to or what you look like conflicts with that identity.
     
    #2 drwinchester, Jun 2, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 2, 2013
  3. DelFelidae

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2013
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Uk
    I feel exactly the same way. Yesterday my sister started telling me I was a "Handsome young man." And I felt revolted and insulted. I just turned around and walked away from her. A year ago I would have just felt really uncomfortable but not necessarily reacted, now I run away, outraged! This has extended to pronouns, before I felt uncomfortable with male pronouns, now I feel distraught whenever someone uses male pronouns to describe me. It feels like a complete contradiction to who/what I identify as. I can't stop it though as I'm not out yet. So, I just deal with it.
    If I don't shave for a while, I'll just simply avoid looking in the mirror until I do shave. Not shaving makes me really anxious, yet I never seem to be able to shave closely enough with out simply cutting my face up in the quest to get rid of all facial hair. I get really depressed when I'm forced to wear a suit, usually I dress quite androgynously. God help anyone who says I look masculine...:eusa_naug
     
    #3 DelFelidae, Jun 2, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2013
  4. Same here, before I accepted myself as trans* and therefore female it never bothered me as intensely as it does now. I was always uncomfortable and awkward feeling forced to always take on a masculine role and just having to use mannerisms as to avoid seeming too feminine. But now I cringe every time I hear "dude, sir" etc. But when I can be in girl mode and referred to as my name Ashley, I'm so much happier
     
  5. Balloonwolf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 12, 2013
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I just feel so conflicting right now. Friends call me my female name, girl, lass, miss, and I feel excited/happy, but as I sit here and look over my thin hair covered arms and hands, seated in a pair of jeans, I feel so uncomfortable. @@
     
  6. curlycats

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2012
    Messages:
    414
    Likes Received:
    0
    i think that it's pretty common to become more dysphoric only after actually questioning one's gender and i would say that personally that has been the case for me as well.

    Chase says it pretty well in this video:

    being happy before transitioning. - YouTube