Hi all- I've been on hormones for about 2 months now, and I just feel crappy. At first I was so happy to have finally begun my transition, but I've slowly been getting more depressed and I don't understand why. I keep thinking how much easier life would be if I didn't transition, and that makes me more depressed. Also, for the first time in years, I'm missing being perceived as female. I don't know where that's coming from or what it means for me... Does it mean I'm not really trans? Anyways, I don't know what to do, and I'm considering stopping hormones. But I can't commit to that decision either! I don't want to stop-- I just want my feelings of confusion and depression to be resolved. Has anyone experienced similar problems after starting hormones/socially transitioning? How did you solve them?
Maybe you could try going off the hormones for awhile, and see how you feel? You can always go back on them later...
I think there's definitely a sort of loss when you transition. You start to be seen by others differently and you're expected to fill a different role that you did before. I'm socially transitioning right now, and in August I'm going to ask my friends/professors to use male pronouns. Sometimes I have moments where I think that life will be so much easier if I could just deal with being female, since I know the transition will be hard too. I guess it might help to think of it like this: When I left home and went to college, I didn't know anyone there. It was completely foreign, unknown, and no idea what to expect and no idea what I was doing. I did really well in high school, but for the first bit I wondered if I would even cut it in college. Even though I had been really excited and eager to leave home, (as we are also excited to leave a female body) I was sad and sometimes lonely because I felt like the only one who felt down since everyone else seemed so excited. This lasted a couple months but it wore off as I got used to the change. I think it's really good that you recognize your thoughts and are thinking more about them now instead of just trying to ignore them. I think that'll help the feeling pass faster.
I can't really speak from experience, but I've heard of people getting really bad depressions triggered by hormones. And I think testosterone is especially bad for mood in the wrong doses. Maybe you should have your doctor check your hormone levels if you haven't.
I'd say that if you aren't feeling good, and if you "miss being perceived as female" then those may be counter indicators of hormone replacement therapy. Maybe full physical transition isn't right for you? When I started on hormones I made a conscious decision to no longer allow people to refer to me by masculine pronouns, and to no longer allow people to call me by my former name. If you plan to move forward with physical transition then I think it would be wise for you to adopt a similar vein, and bid farewell to the trappings of your former persona FOR GOOD. Once I was rid of all that crap and could move forward with judiciousness, I felt much more comfortable with my decision and much more confident in defending myself to others. If you don't like "being a boy" then you probably aren't one.
