Hey, I'm Dylan. I'm 15. I have female features with a male mind. I've been battling some terrible dysphoria and gender identity crisis. I grew up sheltered from everything. My family was super religious and I didn't even know that gay people existed until I was 12-13. I didn't even know that there were people who changed genders until I was almost 14. I was taught that boobs meant girl and you were stuck that way; same with boys and their dicks. I've never been very girly. I used to play soldiers on the playground with my friend Owen. I loved playing in the mud. But I also liked pink and dresses but I grew out of that by third grade. I wear a little bit on eyeliner (because its red and it reminds me of a guitarist in this one band) and I haven't worn a skirt or dress since I was 9. Around seventh grade, I started to really hate myself. It was getting to a point where I was definitely contemplating suicide. I felt so alone because I thought there was no one like me out there. Lately I've been seriously considering my gender. But, the problem is coming out to people. My friends accepted it but they don't treat me any differently. They still treat me like a girl which is frustrating to no end. Also, my parents refuse to even think that I could be transgender. My mother flat out told me I was wrong because I didn't know when I was five. I have to wear the four or five baggy shirts I own to look like my chest is flatter than normal and all my jeans are a girl cut. I am not allowed to buy any boy clothing. I've gotten really close to binding with Ace Bandages. I do feel transgender but every time I get really confident in that, something will come back and say "Oh, but you liked pink until you were 9," or "You didn't know until you were 13, that has to be too old,". It's just been so frustrating trying to be a girl to please my mother so I don't get kicked out and trying to be myself. Especially when I can barely figure that out. Any advice?
First of all, let me say that you don't need to know from the age of five that you're a guy to validate your gender identity. Some kids (lucky little ducks) do have it all figured it out from a young age but other people don't have it figured out until later- I myself didn't even think to call myself FtM until about two months ago and there are people over sixty just now figuring out their gender identities. The age you hone in on your gender does not make you more or less trans*. Second, neither does how much or how little pink you wore growing up matter. I was honestly a fairly girly child. I played with Barbies and stuffed animals but even then considered myself to have a masculine personality. But I was obsessed with Pokemon, wore T-shirts and shorts when I could get away with it, and etc- Many FtM guys were tomboys growing up but just as many may have been more femine- just like many happily male cisboys might have expressed a feminine side. So don't fret. You know who you are and that should be all that matters. But it's nothing short of frustrating to be closeted and have your identity be so blatantly disregarded. At least your friends seem to accept you and it's a start but make it clear- you are not a girl, you'd prefer male pronouns, you want to be treated like a guy, etc. I wish I knew how to help when it came to your parents but that's something I struggle with. My parents have no idea that I'm trans* and the best advice I can give is to hang in there. They can't define your gender and you are under no obligation to conform or be their perfect daughter in order to please them. I conformed and I'm miserable- it's not worth it in the end. I'll stress it again- not knowing at the age of five doesn't invalid you being trans*, nor does loving pink. Think of how many cis guys like pink (I'm still fond of it myself). Why does that make you less of a man because you do or once liked it? Stay strong, you know who you are. PS- Don't bind with ACE bandages. Too much of a risk. I personally prefer a sports bra and a loose shirt. And if at all possible, look into unisex clothing.
Just tell your mother you were pretending in an effort to fit in. As memphis says, what you played with as a child doesn't define your gender identity, but there are some people you just can't get through to with the truth. In my opinion, anyway. You want to transition, I take it? If so: Throw as much trans-related literature at your mother as possible, and once she's had a chance to read it, insist that she start calling you "he", and by a male name of your choosing. Its quite unlikely that she will, at first, but doing so impresses on her that you're serious. The thing is, your family will never let you transition. I don't mean that they'll never accept you, I mean that you can't really expect them to give you permission. Even the most accepting mother does not want her child to change genders. She will do her best to convince you it isn't real, and when that doesn't work, convince you not to go through with it. You have to take the initiative, insist on transitioning, and let your family come to terms with it in their own time and way. That isn't to say you shouldn't be understanding, though. Just don't let other people decide what your gender is.
Another thing to consider though is that you are not 18 yet. If you honestly believe that you could get kicked out it might be in your best interest to wait to come out to them untill your legally an adult. If you think you could lose their support (monetary or otherwise) you need to think of things like college, finding a place to live, being able to find a job ect. I know it sucks to lie but it you have to do it to make it untill you can support yourself it might be the best way to go. Maybe you dont have to be too "girly" to please your mom? If you make some changes in the way you dress and such gradually it might not make too much of an impact on her but you will be able to be more yourself. I know 3 years is a long time to wait to transition if thats what you want but like i said, it may be in your best interest. Maybe theres a group nearby where you live or at school so you have somewhere you can go to be yourself?
