I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'm falling back into self-hate once again. I feel like such an abomination walking around trying to "be me". I feel like a lie inside and out. I'm hiding behind a mask and I feel like I'm playing others like the radio by trying to be happy. The people around me who try to make me feel comfortable in my skin don't outweigh the ones who make me remember every day that I'll never reach my goals. I'll never be able to transition and be true to myself. If nothing happens before I turn 21, I'm gone. I'm not "gone" as in leaving EC, I'm gone as in I'm out of this world for good. I've spent too much time hurting and nobody bothered to try to repair my broken bones and wounds until I wanted to throw myself off of a bridge or worse. I'm losing it and I refuse to go back to the hospital. They did nothing for me there and going back just proves how unstable I am, proving I'll never be stable enough to transition and find some form of happiness, something I've been robbed of all my life. I already told someone that if I had a bottle of Ambien, I'd be out of here. I'm so tired of trying and my coping skills aren't working anymore. I just want to be normal, even though I know too well that I'll never be whole and it makes me so angry and frustrated. I just want to feel something other than angst and agony. I want to be real, but I never will be. No matter what I get done, it will only show how incomplete I am. It will show how damaged I am. The scars will just be proof of what cursed life I lived and how I'll never be able to run away from it because the only way the past will die is with me. I'm so tired of trying and I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know what to say besides that you're only 19 and you have so much ahead of you. Don't be suicidal, so much can change in the next few years!
I've spent years trying and I always get hit. I'm done trying to find happiness when it's too expensive and I'll just be fake. The only thing I feel anymore is this ache and it won't go away.
Your post was hard to read because I am often in the same place you are. I understand how much it hurts to look at cisguys and feel like it's unattainable. It hurts to look in a mirror, or even a brief reflection in a store window. Just looking down can cause a wave of nausea and hopelessness. One person doing a double-take completely erases that last twenty people that you got a "sir" or "he" out of. People say they understand, and seem like they're supportive, but it feels like they'll never really get it. They'll never completely understand how it eats away at happiness every minute of everyday. Every little thing is a reminder. I'm not going to tell you it's easy, or that it's ever going to be easy, because I'd be flat-out lying. I'm not going to tell you try to confide in someone, because unless they're trans too, there's only so much support they can offer. People can support you, and be there for you, and it can help, but in the end you're the only one that can save yourself. No one else. Not a single other person can do that because you're the only one that has control over your actions. Personally, I'm a collegiate athlete and I just finished up my freshman year on the women's team. I have three more years to go before I even have the possibility of medically transitioning. Three years. 1078 days. 25872 hours. You have to find something within yourself that can get you through it. You have to find that ball of light that's being drowned and hold onto it. Maybe it's the indisputable fact that you being gone would tear a hole in everyone you know, rippling even to people you barely know. I guarantee that if you went through with it, someone somewhere will consider it too. Maybe it's the hope of what the next couple years will bring you. The fact you can transition when people 50 years ago had no chance. Maybe it isn't any one thing, but a feeling. Nobody is going to walk up to you and tell you what to live for. Find it and hold on to it. And then don't look anywhere but ahead. Start working out. I run and lift weights. It helps ease the dysphoria and helps me pass better which eases the dysphoria. The physical pain gives me something to hold onto, it's something that makes me feel when everything else seems so dead. Find a different therapist. If it's so hard to get the go ahead to transition that you're considering giving up on life, you need to try something else. I've heard of transguys having to go through a few therapists, but it'll work in the end. The scars will fade, even the emotional ones. You will be proud of who you are. Keep trying.
From someone who is/has been in a similar situation. Hang in there! I know it sucks, everytime i look in the mirror i see all the things that i cant change and wont be able to and it hurts, a lot. I know that theres not much i can say to make you feel like it is worth it to hold on but im still going to try. Spend time with people who make you feel happy, do things that make you feel happy. Try to pay attention to the good times when they happen. Even just smiling even if you dont feel like it can make you feel even a little bit better. Vent as much as you need to on here, there will always be people here to support you no matter what.(&&&)
The cage is making it harder to think and breathe and I don't know how much longer I can keep this game up.
I don't know you well and I don't know if what I say's going to mean anything or stop you. But I wanted to let you know that you are real. And I know it doesn't feel like it now, and the odds seem stacked against you. I don't claim to know how you're feeling. I don't claim to have ever been through what you've been through, though I may claim to have an inkling of understanding. But let me tell you this. Suicide will eliminate any possibility of it getting better. You have the potential to become so much more. You have a full life ahead of you. The opportunity to find new supporters and make a new family. The opportunity to become the man you want to be. I know those opportunities, they seem like they'll never come. You've been through hell. And I'm not about to tell you that things will get better if you "think positive" or you wait long enough. To transition, to change- they are not signs of being incomplete or weak. They are scars of the battles you've fought to be you. You are not a freak. You are not a fake. To be trans*, as I've come to understand, is to know who you really are and to reclaim you from society's, biology's expectations. And that, I believe, makes you pretty fucking real in my eyes.
I can honestly say I've had similar thoughts. But when I decide to finally go on HRT it will be for me and no one else. I've come to the conclusion that its useless worrying how other people will react to us. Dysphoria drives everyone crazy, some of us get depressed, angry, or multiple other emotions simultaneously. That's even more of a reason to do something about it. I don't care how many times someone refers to me with masculine pronouns. I know who I am and that in my soul I am female. This body doesn't reflect it yet, but it will. Because you get to a point where you refuse to be miserable any longer. There is so much more to life, please don't give up. No one said it would be easy. But you could still give inspiration to other trans people that it does get better. There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel.
I'm just so tired of people thinking meds are the solution. HRT would make me so happy but I'll never see that in my current state. It's hard to stay positive when your own body turns against you. I just wish I could get approved already so part of this nightmare can stop and the cycle of self hate I'm stuck in will finally end.
Daydreamer, As someone who has had "healthy" gender conflicts while coming of age I'm so compassionate toward your experience. How excrutiating it must be to always be crawling out of your skin. I think most people here have struggled with suicide ideation on some level as well. Most important, establish a support system for yourself and know you are not alone. This website has been a sort of epiphany for me in this regard. Also, consider relocating and starting fresh-clean slate. A new community might give your the breathing room you need to begin your journey inward. Also, do a little research into what your options for transitioning are. Do you desire surgery? How much will this cost? How can you redefine your coping skills? Perhaps a support group will help. And while I fitfully loath belittling anyone of anykind about anything-I must say that being a teen doesn't do you any favors in an identity crisis. The most important message is not necessarily to be strong, but to FEEL strong. Do what you must. Message me anytime. Be well.
