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Just need to vent

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by wanderinggirl, Jun 14, 2013.

  1. wanderinggirl

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    I've spent hours on this site looking for stories just like mine. And the truth is I've found tons of people going through what I'm going through, in one way or another. But it never makes me feel better. I reach out and connect with people via the internet but at the end of the day I'm me and I am alone with myself and my thoughts. It's helpful to know that others go through questioning and confusion regarding sexuality and gender identity and that people don't have it as figured out as I think they do when I meet them in real life.

    I've only been questioning for a few months and repressing for years, but I know some people have been questioning for far longer than I have, and still haven't reached any conclusions. Why is it so important for us to even define ourselves? Especially given that so many of us are out there, alone with our thoughts, unsure of what to tell people, saying "I'm a gay man" or "I'm a bisexual trans-male" or "I'm a genderqueer pansexual polyamorous arachnophobe" in front of the mirror until we relate to what we're saying or find a more suitable label for ourselves. Isn't it ridiculous?

    I guess I'm just frustrated that I'm frustrated. I had heterosexual privilege, I had enjoyable opposite-sex experiences, I lived 100% unqueer. I'm more confused as to why I started questioning in the first place than anything else; why would I even rock my straight boat at all?

    My friends are confused and I just have to be like "dudes i don't know what to tell y'all, i thought i was straight too! i don't know what's wrong with me, but hey either you still love me or you don't." I hate reassuring other people who are confused when I'm the one who is confused! Does that make sense? On the other hand I need to tell my close friends what's going on with me because it's the only way I'm gonna not feel totally isolated, yanno?

    As social creatures, we are torn between "this shouldn't be anybody else's problem, my personal life is my own" and a reliance on other people/social connections. And we all struggle to place the people around us in some kind of order; if they don't fall into that order, we get confused. It's so dumb! But so necessary because how else do we make sense of the dangers in the world?

    I guess I don't really have a question here, I'm just venting that I'm sick of questioning (har har) because then I end up in a situation where I can't even tell my preferences and I don't want to drag other people into my confusion. I've got support, but I also battle a lot of biphobia in addition to questioning-phobia (is that a thing? where people don't accept that someone can be questioning and not neatly categorized?

    This site gives me hope, but it also has not led to any more clarification of my own experience. I have to do that on my own, and it's harrrdddd guys. Ugh.
     
  2. wrhla

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    I agree with everything you say. Labels can do more harm than good. And in a perfect world, none of this would matter; we could follow our desires without guilt or shame or doubt. But last time I looked, this was not a perfect world.

    So why DID you start questioning? What else was going on in your life? Was there a personal attraction or some sort of revelation? Did you feel something missing from your straight relationships?

    Also, how old are you? I'm just curious as to how long you had lived as a sexually mature adult without doubts about your orientation.
     
  3. karina

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    most of us are used to be label by others because this just makes things so much easier. it does not matter if you are a girl or boy and it does not matter if you fall for a boy or girl, because in the end, this is just how you feel.
     
  4. wanderinggirl

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    WHRLA, I started questioning because I'd had thoughts about it all throughout my life but never allowed them to come into the light, even when I knew I made myself have crushes on guys sometimes. Then I developed a crush on a girl and felt like I didn't want to ignore it anymore. In straight relationships I always felt like there was some level of being able to relate to one another, sexually and emotionally, that was missing. It's hard to describe, but I wanted to make the other person experience what I was experiencing, and experience what they were experiencing, which just wasn't possible with a guy, even though it didn't feel "wrong" perse. Lastly I always felt like I was hiding some of my more masculine tendencies in an effort to fit into a particular role, but having a deviant sexuality I can explore that side of me with confidence.

    I'm 24; I doubted it here and there before then but never acknowledged it. I think it's kindof late, but maybe Im just a late bloomer.
     
    #4 wanderinggirl, Jun 17, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2013
  5. LetMeBeThatIAm

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    Categories can be very limiting, especially in the vast expanse that is human experience. We change, we change back. And who's to say exactly what belongs in each category? It's hard to stick a firm label on something as fluid as desire and attraction, something so complex and situation-dependent. I agree that labeling is ridiculous (even as I understand our human need to categorize things - a paradox, no?) The best advice I can give is to stop feeling pressured to put a label on how you feel, and just let yourself feel. That's what's most important. And you may never come to a set "conclusion" as to "what" you are. And you know what? THAT'S FINE!

    As you may tell, I'm a bit passionate about this at the moment, and I think I understand where you're coming from. I've recently been going through a similar process of trying to define or understand my attractions, and I've reached a point now where I better understand that it's okay to be confused. I just finished reading an excellent book by Lisa M. Diamond called "Sexual Fluidity: Understand Women's Love and Desire." It's an account of her ten year longitudinal study where she followed up with 80 or so women who identified as either lesbian, bisexual, or unlabeled, and she tracked changes in their behavior, attractions, and social identity over time. She also expands on her theory of sexual fluidity in women, and what governs our attractions and sexual desires. I found it insightful, and I was able to relate to several of the women's stories, but the writing can be a bit dry in places, if you're not used to the scientific aspect. But it's well worth slogging through. In essence, it shows how changes in attractions, deviations in our own norms, are in fact normal and common! Sexual fluidity is by no means a new concept, but mainstream media hasn't advertised it, so few people realize it's normal. In any event, I encourage you to look it up if you like. I got an inter-library loan.

    This also ties into that bi-phobia or questioning-phobia you're talking about. I've worried about that myself. Seems some people think you have to be in one category or the other, but don't realize you have to question in order to get there, even though there seems to be a taboo against the concept of "not knowing."

    I wouldn't consider yourself a "late bloomer." That has such a negative connotation. Changes in sexuality can occur at any point in life, and just because they don't occur during our "formative years" (ie, puberty) does not mean the changes and feelings are any less valid or authentic. I just found this forum and joined because I haven't had a chance to talk to anyone like me (well, anyone queer period!). I'm 25, and only started questioning/realizing about three years ago. And I'm still "questioning," in a sense, because I have no actual personal experience to reinforce the attractions I feel.

    Now I think I'm going to stand in front of the mirror and say "I'm a genderqueer pansexual polyamorous arachnophobe" three times fast. :wink: What a mouthful!
     
  6. cm81990

    cm81990 Guest

    Sexuality can be fluid, but it also can be static as well. I think we need to realize that and accept that yes, some people will experience fluidity in their sexual orientation, while others generally will not. I will say there are "some" gay males I know that believe sexual orientation is 100% inborn, static, and unchangeable. They all think bi is just a phase. That's just a small sampling of clearly ignorant people I know, but I can understand the struggles trying to fit in when you don't feel like you are either straight or gay.
     
  7. wanderinggirl

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    cm81990: I agree that for many people sexuality can definitely be static, and in those cases there's less of a stigma because "I was born this way" and it's just a characteristic of a person. There's a greater acceptance of that attitude. But with bisexuality or fluidity there's a bias against it because even though feelings may be totally valid, the fact that I could "choose" to be with any gender means that I could have heterosexual privilege or I could be "acting out". I wish my sexuality were static. It'd make everything a heckuvalot easier. Basically my frustration is that if I don't fit 100% into the "static" category, all of a sudden people don't trust/believe me, if that makes sense.

    LetMeBeThatIAm, thanks for the book recommendation! I'll definitely check it out, it sounds like it could speak to my experience.
     
  8. Envira

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    Can I just say that you basically just vented everything that I've been feeling. And labels? Screw them. The heterosexual community uses them to box us in, and in our own community, we've just turned around and used them again. It sucks. And I hate it. I hate feeling like I have to choose something I want to be. And a name or a number is never going to be enough. I am a person. I don't fit into any specific categories because I'm not one-dimensional. There are so many other aspects of personality that we're not accounting for here. And we need to change that.