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I still question my sexuality from time to time still.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by unknown17050, Jun 15, 2013.

  1. unknown17050

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    I don't even know why I do anymore, I know for a fact I do not get sexually attracted to men, and I do find myself in a much more deeper emotional relationship with a woman more than being in a sexual one though, is questioning for two whole months even after I think I figured it out or is it a sign I a am still uncertain? My head honestly hurts now.:bang:
     
  2. gravechild

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    Some people never move past the questioning stage, believe it or not, and most here agree that you can never be 100% sure. I'm not sure how common it is for heterosexuals to question their sexuality, but quite a few LGBT do, even after identifying as something else for a while, as part of the coming out process.

    Are you ever sexually attracted to anyone?
     
  3. unknown17050

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    Sometimes when I fantasize about women, I do; only if we do engage in sexual intercourse in that fantasy, and I currently am having a crush on some woman I found on the internet and I did honestly fantasize about her a few times and was sexually excited but MUCH more interested in cuddling and kissing, making out all that other romantic stuff, when I have the occasional intrusive thoughts about men; they do not turn me on and they do somewhat to a an extent frighten me, but I have now become more open to the idea, meaning I do not get scared as much anymore, but still do not get turned on but I still question to some extent, is it because of my uncertainty of not being with a woman before?
     
  4. gravechild

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    I fantasize of both men and women, yet intercourse hardly ever comes up, while just about every other sexual act under the sun does. In my case, there is genuine attraction to both: tingly feelings 'down there', extra attention paid to the individual, crushes, everything heterosexual and homosexual individuals describe in their explanations.

    Not all my attractions are the same; they vary from person to person, and unfortunately, a lot of times a person of x gender will fall into line with societal norms, shaping my perception of them. For instance, my attractions and responses towards males is more 'aggressive' and physical, while for women more balanced, knowing that at some biological level, females do operate differently than men, and perhaps my arousal patterns might be some subconscious response to that fact, along with societal expectations. Regardless, I have my 'shifts'.

    And fantasies are just fantasies - there are straight men who have same-sex fantasies, but they're not enough to have them question their sexualities, and I imagine they're rather quick and fleeting, not all that common or consistent at all. A better gauge for your attractions would be increased self-awareness and honesty, and while not full proof, here are some guidelines to help you determine where your attractions fall:

    Who do you find yourself noticing more often than not, if at all?
    What sex or gender do you see yourself sharing your life with, naturally?
    Fantasies might not be the bottom line, but they can clue you in on what's going on between the ears, where sexual attraction really lies. Are there any patterns you've noticed from a young age until now?
    Knowing your own traits can also help - masculine, feminine; dominant, submissive; open-minded and curious or conservative and closed?
    You've joined EC for a reason, and while it's possible you might be 'straight', I think there's something else that lead to you joining an LGBT friendly site. Any ideas?

    That's enough questions for one post, I think. :lol:
     
  5. unknown17050

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    Well I want to start off by saying I joined because I saw an article on Cracked.com that was about sexual myths that are actually true and well.. I think you know from there probably about the digit ratio theory, anyways, after the sight of myself with one hand having the "gay fingers" made a whole cluster of questions come to mind, I discovered this site while on Google searching up info on that same day to help get some answers that need questions.

    I figured that maybe I should join and get some help since I know therapy is pretty much overall out of my reach at the moment. I keep coming back mostly because I am usually interested in knowing what I get for a reply or whatever and maybe help out since I consider myself a supporter of LGBT rights. I think it might be a good thing too considering there is not alot of gay people in the area I live in so there is not much exposure, and talking to them is also out of the question as they fit the stereo-type of being effeminate and are very much gossipers. I basically come back every now and again to help out, receive help and check for replies.

    I find myself as an eyewanderer, I am always constantly looking in pretty much every direction at a constant pace usually. But when I started to question myself, I slowed down and started pretty much checking out anyone really, I found myself getting a somewhat tumescence from fairly attractive women (especially the ones older than myself) but not any from any men I looked at though, even the ones considered attractive by most did not seem to get me going. I usually looked at the women more though as they were the ones who not only pretty much in the end get my full attention but pretty much do a good job stimulating down there but not as much as I would rather take them out to a fancy expensive dinner though. :icon_redf As for the seeing m future with, I honestly cannot say mostly because I suffer from gigantic confidence issues and am generally considered unattractive where I am; so it is hard for me to picture anyone else but myself alone in my lifetime, but I do picture myself being with my current crush sometime in the future though, but it does not seem to go far, not that I am saying we break up, but it could be me trying to keep a level of uncertainty because I don't want to be heartbroken as a result. As for my traits, I display pretty much a certain amount of all of those, probably an equal amount possibly. I'm not super masculine but I certainly am not very femenine, I am somewhat curious and open minded in some cases, but close minded and conservative in others as well.
     
    #5 unknown17050, Jun 15, 2013
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  6. gravechild

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    Well, you definitely seem to be attracted to women, and perhaps even prefer them to men? I wouldn't go so far as to label you as anything yet, though, even if 'straight' seems a reasonable deduction at this point.

    I mean, you miiight be a gay man or something else in serious denial, but that's not my first impression or even last when reading your responses. Most guys in-denial give some strong arguments to suspect they're gay - having crushes on boys early on, feeling something is 'missing' with the opposite sex, never-ending thoughts of same-sex attractions. I've seen none of this so far from you yet.

    You might just be a guy who has confidence issues, doesn't feel secure with himself or performing with women, so turned to this community for answers. There's a huge stigma against men who aren't constantly chasing women, in many cultures - they're assumed to be gay, weak, undesirable, etc, and that can take a toll on someone's self-esteem, even leading them to wondering if they're even straight. What do you think?
     
  7. unknown17050

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    I only feel less attracted to women currently because I have alot on my mind and whenever I was depressed or confused to the point where it really messes with my mentality, I realized I am not very affectionate and do not fantasize as much as other things I was focusing on before tend to dominate my mind, and if I try to fantasize, they don't last long and are typically interrupted. Are you suggesting that due to my lack of confidence and lack of experience is only enforcing my lack of confidence not only in myself, but in my questioning of my sexuality?

    If so, I think you might be on to something then. Because I think I might be hetero Romantic Asexual like I stated as I never found sex to be as important as most others, whenever I masturbated I had a few times when I did get intrusive thoughts of men but they never involved myself or anything and they were like quick glimpses of like 2 second long images in a slideshow or something and not long enough to introduce any amount or arousal or turn off in my tumescent wang. I tried to fantasize myself in a situation but couldn't and then tried to force myself a situation when I was not going through them and could not, it is like these intrusive thoughts keep coming back as if they were like a bully in high school, they only come back like every so often in the hallway between classes or such. Considering I have no romantic or sexual interest in men and seem to have some for women at this point (more romantic than sexual though) and even have one on this woman I know on the internet and from my past, never had any on men but had some on women mostly (I think I legitimately had clear sexual interest in a teacher I had once :eek:slight_smile:

    But my mind just cannot seem to accept that, which the confidence issue seems to be a thing as well as a possibility by the fact I never was man enough to approach any of my crushes in high school.
     
  8. gravechild

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    Yeah, but the point is you were attracted to women exclusively, and even if you aren't interested in pursuing a relationship or sex with them at a given time, unless they've been totally replaced by an attraction towards men, I wouldn't say you're gay.

    I'll admit to being ignorant of what asexuality means, and I've heard many definitions given, but one member here describes a total lack of sexual arousal and no interest in sexual activities. If that's a benchmark to go by, you sound more like a demisexual... someone who needs to form an emotional bond with someone before experiencing any sexual attraction; they don't experience primary sexual attraction. There are demi-heteros, demi-heterosexuals, etc

    Asexuality - AVENwiki
    Demisexual - AVENwiki

    *shrugs* Just me, I like the sound of demi-heterosexual > heteromantic asexual. It seems to fit you better, just from what you've told me so far. Tell me what you think.
     
  9. unknown17050

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    I have considered the label of Demisexual, but there is something about Asexual that feels so right and comforting, Demisexuals still need sex in the relationship, I personally think that should not even be a requirement as sex drive deludes itself over time and people who have a ton of it tend to not want it as much as they get older in comparison to when they were younger. I personally masturbated many times before actually and I'll say I did find it enjoyable but the physical stimulation behind masturbation is the same as sex and I found it to be overrated by many, felt great yes, but still overrated non the less. I just found cuddling and kissing and making out much more pleasurable than sex (especially cuddling). I guess overall it just seems like a comfort thing.
     
  10. gravechild

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    If it truly feels natural, right, then it probably is.

    There are gay men who were convinced and tried to convince me I was actually gay-in-denial, and there are straight men and women who have told me 'it's just a phase'. Even with my confusion and self-doubt, gay and straight never quite fit, and at a visceral level, knew I was something else, not wanted to be.

    Same with gender, never felt fully male or fully female, and now identify as 'androgyne' instead. I find myself more comfortable and better understood by trans folk and multisexuals, more so when one is both.

    Sometimes people forget (or never learned) there are more variations to humans and sexuality than just 'gay' and 'straight'. In fact, I honestly don't think we'll ever have enough terms to fully do them justice, but that's another issue entirely.

    As helpful as boxes can be, they can also be just as limiting for those of us who don't fit the norms.
     
  11. unknown17050

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    I do agree that labels do more harm than good, when I came out to my mom & brother, my mom asked me more questions than myself, and my brother literally thinks I am in denial, but he is a homophobe and we never did get along and knows very little about me so I know what it is like. But I live in a very judgmental part of the west coast of the US where if you say anything that is not straight regarding your sexual identity; it pretty much means you must be gay. Which is a huge problem so I need some sort of label, not because I don't want to be gay; far from it, I just don't think it is me; I don't see myself nor am I interested in men and nobody wants conclusions drawn to them by other people regardless of anything. I'd be okay with being gay if I was, I personally think society is messed up and I am an Atheist so I could care less about any religious back talk about homosexuality.

    Basically, weather or not, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transexual, Asexual, Demisexual, we all are not accepted into society and I personally say to that as "Well you know what, Imma make my own society with Black Jack and Hookers!" (cheers if you get the reference, lol)

    I am very sorry for the criticism you feel and lack of acceptance towards yourself, but again, your never alone.
     
  12. gravechild

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    Totally, and who knows, it might change in the future if you've just started exploring this side of your sexuality (I think it's bs that we tell everyone 'it might change' who identifies as bisexual, pansexual, asexual, etc but when it's someone who is sure they're gay, they're pretty much taken on their word).

    I'm not sure of asexuals, but bisexuals really don't have much of a community of their own, at least not that I know of. Many identify as exclusively straight or gay, others jump from community community, and it would be nice if we could find a way to unite and make our presence felt to the mainstream, because were *are* out there, and in large numbers.

    And to let you in on a secret on me and EC: I'm a bit iffy on sharing any opposite sex crushes, relationships, and experiences, since some might take it the wrong way, as me flashing my heterosexual privilege, pretending to be something I'm not, or not being awfully supportive of the site focus. It's an irrational fear, I know this much, but that's how much I value the community, the members, and the acceptance, at least compared to that of the straight world.

    Anyway, good luck! Hope this conversation helped you figure some things out and you don't have to be plagued by confusion and doubt so much! I'll still be here if you wish to talk, so don't hesitate to shoot me a message if something else comes up. :thumbsup:
     
  13. unknown17050

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    Oh no, I try not to flash it around, I only meant to inform and wish the best of luck in the other members romantic upbringing. And we do have a few websites where we socialize and what not but most tend to stray away from each other and are somewhat anti-social so often cutting conversations short, and thank you; it did help quite a bit in fact, but I think only time can tell if I am to become fully confident in my sexuality like I was before that fateful day. Best of luck to you as well and best wishes to you and your gender identity issues as well. :thumbsup: