I've been questioning my gender identity consistently for years now. I always seem to come back to the same concensus: 1. I am not a girl 2. Whatever I am, I'm more comfortable being that than I am being a girl However, I always have really really mixed feelings about this aspect of myself. If I'm not a girl, am I a guy? The idea of presenting as masculine is something that makes me feel fantastic, but I don't think I can be a guy. What makes a guy a guy anyway? If I feel more male than I do female, is that enough, even if I'm a "feminine" guy? But by far the worst feelings are the guilty feelings. Like I'm wearing clothes that weren't made for me, so I should back off while I'm ahead before I make an ass of myself. Or that I (apparently, but I never thought so) made a pretty girl. I like a lot of people regardless of gender or sex, but I feel the most passionately attracted to guys - why can't I just be a straight girl and call it done, despite the persistent part of me that's been telling me I'm a gay man, since that's how everyone sees me? Why do I have to be so uncomfortable presenting as feminine? Why have I been considering surgery and hormones for months now? :bang: It's also hard, like it feels like I'm being really hypocritical, when I'm such an avid feminist, and I want to see real equality for women happen right now. But at the same time, here I am so quick to toss everything female about me out the window because I can really become a guy? Yes please, gimme. Am I the only one that feels guilty about wanting to, and feeling about ready to, leave their assigned identity behind? It feels stupid, feeling guilty. Maybe it's because I'm not out yet? Or maybe I need to find a good therapist or something?
I know exactly how you feel because I'm there right now. I'm biologically female, but I like to present as male. Sometimes I want to be pretty, but most of the time, I'm in guys' clothes. Being female has some perks, like I don't have dark facial or body hair like men do, which is pretty convenient. Therapists are great. I've been going to one for a while, and she's pretty good. I highly recommend therapy. However, it's good to make sure your prospective therapist doesn't push the straight cis agenda and has plenty of experience with the LGBT community. I have to admit that mine doesn't, mainly because few people where I live are LGBT. I live in a very conservative, religious area of the country. Besides, should you ever want to transition to male, therapy is a mandatory first step to make sure that transitioning is something you really want and to make sure your feelings aren't the result of a mental illness or trauma. I wish you the best of luck. Don't feel bad about presenting male. I feel a lot better doing it that I do presenting female. It just feels more natural to me. Besides, if guys' clothes make you feel comfortable, there's no reason to feel bad. Clothing serves to functions: keeping you covered and allowing you to express yourself. You can wear whatever clothes you want as long as they make you feel good about yourself. Don't worry about other people. If they tell you you're a pretty girl, they're just trying to be supportive because they see you as female. My best advice is just do what feels comfortable and be who you are. Best of luck!
Im there right now as well. Every time I question myself I come back to the same two points you said; im not a girl, and whatever the hell i am it feels better than being a girl. Im sure you've heard this before but for the moment forget your sexuality, focus on gender. If you feel like your not a girl then your not, no matter if your atracted to guys. I sometimes think that I question myself about being fully male versus androgynous because ive lived 21 years as a girl and thats why being fully a guy feels like a bit of a stretch. As for being a feminist, im one too, I totally agree with what you said. But being a girl isnt a requirement for being a feminist. I know plenty of guys that are feminists. Also, I think we have a bit of a leg up over other guys because we understand what it is to be treated as a female and have that discriminition. We can serve as sort of a bridge, a guy who knows where their coming from. I also feel guilty sometimes about throwing away everything feminine about me but I have to remind myself that its not that I dont admire or respect women or what it means to be a women, im just not one myself. Also, theres nothing wrong with holding on to typical "female" atributes if they are still part of who you are. I believe that all of things that are celebrated about women; sensitivity, being in touch with oneself, and such things are universal atributes that can be held by anyone, not just ciswomen. I believe that everyone should be equal, and part of being a feminist is fighting for equality for everyone and breaking down gender barriers which is also part of what it means to be trans* as well. We are all fighting for equality for all people so anyone fighting for equality is a feminist, is a queer activist, is a racial justice activist, and so on no matter who they are. Equality means everyone, there are no barriers; and diferances are celebrated and not condemed. No one should have to feel guilty about being who they are. sorry for the rant i get really into this stuff :icon_wink
Thank you. I don't know why I feel guilty over doing these things that make me feel better about myself...if I'm more comfortable presenting as male then it can't be bad. It's just part of me. And I'm definitely all about equality - but I guess I'm not doing a very good job standing for it if I exclude myself. These are my feelings, and they're valid, and I don't need to feel pressured into being a woman just because I was assigned female at birth. And that doesn't mean I admire or respect women any less. I just need to keep reminding myself that. I am currently looking for a therapist. We'll see how that goes.
