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I'm Back! Back Again!

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by LailaForbidden, Jun 23, 2013.

  1. LailaForbidden

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    Hello EC! I haven't posted in this section for quite some time, but I'm having some difficulties as of late so I decided to make a thread.

    Quick recap of my journey:

    Sixteen years of repressing same-sex attraction and trying to force myself into straighthood. The next year spent accepting, and eventually loving, same-sex attraction, whilst trying to force myself to be gay because of biphobia (and all of it's forms), thus repressing feelings for men. Within that time, I came out to family and a few friends as gay. But, eventually I broke down and accepted bisexuality, and have spent the last year trying to come to terms with it, including feeling happy about it.

    Okay so this is my brain now:
    "Oh, hello there Laila! I see you are finally starting to feel somewhat comfortable with your sexuality and are finally thinking about coming out! How nice for you! You know how I'm going to congratulate you? Imma convince you that you are actually gay by making your opposite sex attraction virtually disappear! Aren't I just the best?"

    Yeah. So, as you can see, my sexuality is somewhat fluid. At least I think it is. I have been sexually and emotionally attracted to at least one man in my past and enjoyed fantasies with men... in the past. And there is the fact that a person doesn't just fail that hard at being gay and still be gay. That just doesn't happen, right? I have to be bisexual, that's the only thing that makes sense given the circumstances.

    ...right? Because I don't feel like it in the present moment! Ugh. What do I even identify as when my feelings for men keep receding? When I don't even know if they will come back at all?

    I think I'm just scared that I'll come out as bisexual and end up getting it wrong again. And I really regret coming out as gay in the first place! What happens if I am actually gay and I come out as bi and then have to do the "Oh jeez my bad guys. I was right the first time!" Who would take me seriously after all that?

    I dunno man. I dunno. Why can't my brain just stop? Bah!

    Would it be too risky of me to come out as bi now? Am I bisexual? (okay, so, i'm pretty sure I am, but still...)
    Any advice?
    Thanks, everyone. You dah best! (&&&)
     
  2. Martjain

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    I don't know how sure you are that you're bi of course, because I'm not you haha.
    So If you want to come out soon and not wait to see if your sexuality settles down, I'd suggest you.came out as queer or not straight if you will. If you don't come out as something specific and then one day say I'm bi or gay people will take it more seriously.

    Hope this helps :slight_smile:
    Hugs!
     
  3. Candace

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    Try to say that you're not straight/queer for now. Have you gone to a counselor? He/she might be able to help you delve into this topic even further and discouver the answer you're looking for.
     
  4. Pret Allez

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    I am saddened here, because I see a lot of my journey in this, and I see the journey of a lot of multisexuals. This endless questioning, having reversals, and reversals of reversals. The anxiety of being wrong. Not enjoying your sexuality.

    Go back and reread your post. What are you reasoning from? You're reasoning from how you predict others are going to respond to your authenticity. You're not reasoning for a genuine reflection on your own desires. Actually, that's not quite true. You're trying to convince yourself that your own desires must be wrong, because they don't fit into a certain narrative you think people need to hear in order to take you seriously.

    I don't want to hurt your feelings here by reminding you of biphobia, but I feel I must be real here. People don't take us seriously anyway. So who cares what they think? You need to be reasoning about and thinking about your own desire. Other people can't control your sexuality.

    Now, I want to address what I feel like is the valid worry here, which is that you feel you don't have very much other gender attraction any more. Remember that as long as you have some other gender attraction, you can still consider yourself bisexual.

    There's a lot of forcing that's going on with this worrying you're doing. You're doing so much repression of all your desire in order to fit other people's notions. But the problem is, their notions are patriarchy, cissexist, and shitty, so you shouldn't care.

    I share your worries, and I'm still conflicted sometimes, because I very rarely have other gender attraction myself. But when I do have it, it's very strong. So while I could wring my hands with worry about how I'm "really just gay with exceptions," repressing my desire is not a formula for good mental health.

    Nobody can take my desire from me, and they can't take it from you either. But you alone can kill your own desire and feel terrible. Don't.

    With love, Sister Adrian
     
    #4 Pret Allez, Jun 23, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2013
  5. gravechild

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    Recently, I've had two professionals tell me I have two options: straight or gay. No mention of bisexuality, -flexible, or -curious. As it is, my sexuality is rather fluid, and I don't think pressuring someone who doesn't fit in the sexual binary is rather helpful... if anything, it only had me doubting if I had a place at all in the LGBT community after spending months building a nice, cozy non-straight identity.

    I'm not against the idea of actually being gay, and have actually seen it as the less harmful "choice", so why does any mention of being straight, and thinking of approaching women and maintaining relationships long-term, put a huge knot in my stomach and freak me out even worse? No such thing as a closet straight. It's just not the right time to make hasty decisions and limit myself, imho.

    As far as coming out, you don't have to choose a label if you're not sure, because, well, you're not sure. If they doubt or pressure you, that's their problem. Everyone moves at their own pace and should be trusted with coming to terms with their own sexuality.
     
  6. MerBear

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    well then they aren't professionals then huh?
     
  7. gravechild

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    It's not their status that worries me, but the pressure to choose a side, and worries if I'll have to squash desires for the opposite or same sex depending on my environment. Everyone seems to see the world in black-and-white, and assume if you're not straight, you must be gay:

    Psychologist: What do you need to tell me?
    Me: I'm not straight.
    Psychologist: You're gay??
    Me: ..... That's not what I said.

    So you see, I'm in a bit of a bind. It's a matter of judging others reactions and deciding when, where, to whom, and how to come out. I can easily "pass straight" and feel enough of a "pull" toward the opposite sex, and don't like having others imply I'm being dishonest or should cut ties with the gay community altogether.

    Sure, more experimentation is in order, but that doesn't mean my label is staying the same or even changing anytime soon. I've been sick these past three days, feeling I must choose, when I'm not ready for that. Unfortunately, many young bisexuals do go on to identifying as strictly gay or straight later on in life, and I don't think it just has to do with their own increased acceptance and awareness of their sexuality...
     
  8. MerBear

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    i've never seen it that way but I didn't know the majority of society does...Im sorry, I have had little exposure to stereotypes and hatred toward the LGBT until i began questioning
     
  9. Pret Allez

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    I spent a good six years questioning myself constantly, thinking I was bisexual, then straight, then bisexual, then gay, and back to bisexual. It's terrible. All this shit being described here is familiar to me. But at some point, I said "this is killing all of my desire, and it needs to stop."

    And no, I don't think "more experimentation is in order." You don't need to make love to a man and then a woman to know. We can know what our sexuality is a priori. (*hug*)

    We need to conquer this oppressive questioning people are leveling against us.
     
    #9 Pret Allez, Jun 23, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2013
  10. LailaForbidden

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    Thanks everyone for commenting. It definitely gives me a few things to mull over. I do think most of my problems - as well as other bisexuals' problems - arise from being pressured by society.Which is just fantastic.

    Makes me want to live on a deserted island where I could just be me, as corny as that sounds.

    Anyway, I think I'm going to stick with the bisexual label because it's the closest thing that fits. Either that or queer. Wish me luck :slight_smile: And good luck to all of you!
     
  11. gravechild

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    Yes, and EC is overwhelmingly dominated by gay men, so naturally, I think a lot of the advice, stories, and standards being implemented are going to reflect the overall experiences of gay men on the site... forgetting the diversity within that community alone. You'd get much different answers on a forum dominated by heterosexuals or bisexuals, for instance.

    I do think my attraction towards men has become more leveled, more accepted and respected to that towards women, from merely watching a porn video now and then to not being opposed to a fling or relationship, but I don't think I've become any "gayer". The longer I stay, the more I feel a need to come out to everyone, but when you're not even 50% sure you're gay, if at all, that can be disastrous.

    I guess if I had to list my orientations in order: bisexual, questioning, straight. I had spent years questioning and then settling on bisexual, and only started seriously doubting everything after being on EC for several months... but I do spend quite a bit of time online, so that makes it easy. Where is this fear coming from? The stories of "bisexuals" crossing over to "gay".
     
  12. Oldat26

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    I can, in a strange way, relate to everything on here...and yet, I don't want that to be the case. I guess I understand that the sexuality binary is harmful...but I would rather have it. I wish I could go back to identifying as completely gay. When I came out ten years ago at 16, it was so simple. I was literally not attracted to women at all, never had been, and I had tried so hard to do so...and nothing. Therefore, I early on reached the conclusion that I was gay. Which made me scared and ashamed at the time. Yet, after I came out, those attractions disappeared, and suddenly I wondered if I'd made a mistake, if I really was attracted to women and didn't realize it. This depressed me very much; I was diagnosed, put on medication due to multiple suicide attempts, etc. My coming out experience, while wonderful at first, turned into a living hell. What I took comfort and solace in, though, was the fact that other gay people my age that I knew told me that this sort of thing was natural, the natural effect of releasing all that built up pressure, the shock of actually coming out, and my severe depression. So I ignored and disregarded anything "straight" I felt as an abberration...and was happy.

    In retrospect, however, I should have confronted and addressed them right then and there. Or during the two or three times over the past ten years it popped up again...which prompted major anxiety attacks, raising the old fear that I could be wrong. Obviously, I had become majorly invested in my identity as a gay man. I should have confronted them then. I might have had a healthier sexuality and/or mental state, rather than where I am right now, which is questioning if I ever was gay. Gravechild, you say there's no such thing as a closet straight...and yet, I'm terrified, and increasingly certain (and upset and afraid and depressed about it) that that's exactly what I was :frowning2:. Although when I "identified as gay" (whatever the hell that means anymore) I was never truly secure with it, always afraid I was "never gay enough"....and yet, I absolutely definitely very attracted to men. I have/had my types (uniformed men, strong men, hairy men, latin men, older men), and watched related porn (practically every day, even up until a few months ago, and I'm 26), and day dreamed about the day I would find the man of my dreams, and marry him...

    Then I met him, was so sure he was The One (he was EXACTLY what I'd ever wanted in a man, and more) that I moved in with him after three months...and then the doubts started. At first I thought it was the natural doubts that come with the end of the honeymoon phase (and maybe the fact that we moved TOO FAST)...but they grew and grew and grew and just snowballed until I was/am questioning my sexuality all over again. My formerly intense attractions to men have COMPLETELY disappeared, disappeared into a puff of smoke like they never existed in the first place, to be replaced by new (previously unacknowledged??) and extremely uncomfortable and unwelcome feelings of attractions to women...I HATE that I'm in this place all over again.

    I'm trying to take solace in everything you guys are saying, but what other conclusion is there except that I really was a "closet straight?" Did any of you feel this way? You all seem to have come to grips with this "fluid sexuality" thing (I hate the very idea, but hating it doesn't make it go away?). LailaForbidden, I apologize, I don't mean to hijack this thread, I just wanted to let you know I completely understand what you wrote, especially about your brain...I wanted to share my experience because what you wrote resonates with me. You seem to be far more at peace with it, though, and also wanted to say that I admire you for that. I hope you all come to peace with this sexuality business, one way or the other!

    <3
     
    #12 Oldat26, Jun 24, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2013
  13. gravechild

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    I don't know... have you looked into homoflexible or bisexual? For the record, there are self-identified gay men who find women attractive, but the instances are so uncommon that they usually don't bother following up with them. Other than that, it sounds like you might not have fully accepted homosexuality, since you obviously are attracted to men on several levels, and there is really no mention of women. When the hormones wore off, you lost interest?

    I think my "closet straight" was an attempt to curb my increasing awareness of attraction towards men, and it didn't help that so many straight people told me I was straight; that's how in-denial I was and lied to everyone else just as much as I lied to myself. Being told I was straight sounded comforting in the short term, but I knew it was wrong, wound up feeling even worse later on, and went back to questioning every time. It was a step back.

    But... take it with a grain of salt from a formerly straight, bi-curious, and bisexual guy who is barely learning to accept this sexuality than just a few internet and behavioral quirks. Women seem to have disappeared (sexually) mostly from my radar, and I'm not sure if they'll ever come back.. this actually has me a little worried, since I built so much of my identity on dual attractions. I just feel bad for those who have sexualities in the 60/40, 50/50, 45/55, or those who experience fluctuations regularly, trying to fit into either the straight or the gay world.

    Oh, and someone on EC once said that homosexuals are just as unnerved by opposite sex attractions as heterosexuals. You don't have to put much stock into these attractions, unless they're a constant issue... they don't make you any less gay. But if it helps, I'd skip labels altogether for now and keep searching.. don't let it stop you from living and enjoying life as you, though.