I honestly don't know where this goes so I'm slapping it in here. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I like my therapist, I really do. She doesn't judge and has experience with trans/GID people. Unfortunately, I'm having to pay the co-pay out of pocket because mom says we don't have the money (but we can buy 2K worth of hay. Hmm). At some point, the insurance will stop covering the majority of the bill, which means I won't be able to go. As it stands, I've started dreading going, and I've only gone twice. Two days after the first visit, mom stormed into my room waking me up, ranting about things. She complained about the dishwasher needing to be unloaded (it didn't), how she wasn't the drama queen and how I was (I had mentioned to her that the therapist was building a background of my family; I specifically avoided mentioning to her that I had talked about her till she brought it up. I said it jokingly and laughed), that all I'm interested in doing is complaining (there's rarely a time that she doesn't come to me complaining about something), that when I went to the therapist that she expected me to be put on medicine, be on it for a few months, it stop working, I'd go off and everything would be fine, and various other things. Shorty after that, she acted as if it had never happened and told me I was invited out to dinner. Last Monday, I went to the therapist, and that night, she came in to talk to me to try and convince me that I was wrong and that there was something else going on (she's tried to diagnose me as being bipolar and having aspbergers). I explained to her that she needed to stop because I couldn't think straight. Shortly after that, she stated that "I don't have a son, I have a daughter" and "The greatest fear I had when I was pregnant was having a boy". That she's scared of men, which makes me think that if I was actually born a boy I would have had a miserable life. From there, I told her I'm happy when people use male pronouns with me, prompting her to claim I have deeper issues if I worry about pronouns. Then I was accused of just saying I'm trans to shock her and then she tried to blame it on the face that I have gay friends. She finally wrapped it up by saying that trans people are just people who never grew up and got out of the dress up stage. That the surgery/HRT just covers up the problem and doesn't fix what's wrong in the head. That if someone transitions that they should have a blood test to see if they're actually that gender. She actually made my step-dad stop taking her to plays because she didn't like the people there. So now, I dread going on Friday because I'm utterly convinced that I'll come home feeling good and she'll just end up ripping me down again. I feel like a fucking idiot for thinking that I could trust her and that she'd be supportive of me. If anything, it's taught me what I've always suspected: I can't trust her to tell her anything. The few friends that know try to be supportive. Sorta. One doesn't like me talking about it because they get angry, so I don't. Another will sort of listen but then turn it around so that he can talk about his own problems. The other just tells me that I should be happy with who I am and not worry about gender. So, I ended up spending an hour crying this morning because I'm just utterly miserable. I've tried to not think about being trans and how I'm unhappy with myself, how I don't want tits, how I want to start T. It works, sort of. Then I take a shower and the thoughts start all over again. That's when I always think about it all: in the shower. I wonder if my mom isn't right and I've just convinced myself. I only started questioning late last year, and everyone else seems to have known when they were young. Maybe I didn't question because I always wore boys clothes and was never really made to wear feminine things. Maybe I'm just trying to get attention for myself, but why would I pick something that's obviously hard, obviously heavy with discrimination, something that can prevent me from being hired. I don't know. I liked it before, where I didn't question, I was always unhappy, but I didn't question. Since I've started, I've been even more unhappy. So, I've probably just try and ignore everything and hope I can pick it up after I graduate university and move. Five years is a long time though. I'll be 31, before I theoretically get a chance.
I'm really sorry brother, it sounds like your mother is being pretty abusive. Don't let her get in your head though, she can't diagnose you. Rather than being discouraged I think you should tell your therapist about all of this stuff that's going on, it's obviously stressing you out and I think she's the most likely one to help you deal with it and figure out how to move forward. Hugs. (*hug*)
I have been. Unfortunately mom flat told me that she chooses to be close minded about this and doesn't want to change. I'm trying to decide if I want to bring mom in on Friday or not.
Your mom isn't a doctor and she isn't trans. She doesn't really understand the effect her words are having on you. She's just trying to get you to be a girl because she thinks that's what's best for you, and really for her too. She will try just about anything that she thinks will work. As far as trans doubts, I think the reason is because you don't have any room to question. When you're around your mom she's always pushing you away from it, so you have to push toward it right? Been there, done that, it sucks ass. You have to be all gung ho about transitioning just to keep the option on the table, and eventually it feels fake. Because some of that is fake. "Transition" probably stops being about being a boy after a while and just becomes its own thing? Like I remember actually enjoying painting my nails a while ago, and thinking, "oh yeah. This is what I was going for. Just this. All that BS just so I can paint my damn toenails red". That's what hostility especially from people you love does to you after a while. Not to get too philosophical but I really feel like that's why most world religions go to shit. They start out good ideas, love people, don't kill each other, but then people disagree over them, and then people have to dig their heels in just to keep the idea alive, and things just escalate and get out of hand until you completely contradict the ideals you were fighting for to begin with. That's exactly how this feels. Like I'm on a crusade, putting the sword to people in the name of a religion that tells you not to. I mean that's not too much more dramatic than the way things are. The way I get when I have to fight for transition, it's pretty much everything I'm trying to get away from and the exact opposite of what femininity is to me. So I mean, of course like your mom I am not a doctor, but I'm at least trans. So I know what worked for me was just giving myself some space to figure things out. I asked myself all the questions instead of trying to talk to my partner or therapist. What does transition even mean to me, what do I need, why? And who can I be me around that isn't going to be hostile to my transitioning? What if I just gave it all up and lived as a boy? I mean don't be afraid to ask yourself anything. And I mean all those life experiences people like me talk about. They really just mean I was unhappy with my gender growing up. Transitioning is about now. Living as a woman is something I can do to make my life make sense to me. Living as a man means putting any partner in any relationship I get into in a totally unfair position, going back to constantly policing my behavior and pretending all the time, having hormones that don't make the slightest amount of sense pumping through my veins, and probably worst, watching other people transition. It would mean running away from who I am. So I mean, I know now that transition is right from me, but more importantly, it comes from someplace real now. That wouldn't be true if I wasn't willing to consider just not transitioning at all. And you know when people see that, when they see that this is just something that is going to happen, a lot of the more (unintentionally) abusive stuff disappears. Being trans stopped being something people felt they could talk me out of. I mean you know your mom is never going to give you permission. You ever play the original legend of zelda game? I know the translations are all corny but there is one that stuck with me throughout my life. I think it's the best life lesson I was ever taught. If you've never played, there's this master sword in the cemetery in the first quest, and the guy that gives it to you says this: "Master using it, and you can have it" And that's crazy right? How can you master something you don't even have. But it really is the way the world works I've found. So what I'm trying to say and sorry if the video game analogy didn't make sense, but it's just this basically. When you get to the point where you're going to transition without the world giving you help and support, the world is a lot more likely to give you help and support. That might include your mom, it might not. My partner and I have actually grown to support each other more than we ever have, and she started out doing and saying everything your mom said and did. It's eerie, like I could have written what you had six months ago. I mean don't expect it. She might not ever come around. But, y'know, even if it's at 31, you'll probably reach a day when you don't need her to come around anyway. Good luck at school What are you majoring in if you don't mind my asking?
Hey just wanted to add, I didn't wanna come across like I was selling transition or anything. If you decide you don't want to, that is not unheard of and there is nothing wrong with going back. Don't ever let anyone give you crap whatever decision you make. If transitioning is right for you and it's just that the world seems against you, then I would still consider it. If you honestly feel like if all of those obstacles magically disappeared, everyone supported you, and you still would be happy not being a man, then that's when I wouldn't do it. But again that's just me. Your transition is just that. I was just thinking, even if you decide you don't have a transition problem, it still sounds like you have a standing up to your mom problem. Please don't let her interfere with your therapy for as long as you can do it. And while you've got a therapist's ear, if you have any other problems, maybe try to bring them up? I mean, it sounds like she loves you, and it's just that the trans is a real wedge between you. But the fact is she is kind of throwing her weight around and trying to control your decisions and being really manipulative. So I mean, maybe if you have to go the long route, graduate Uni, and move, maybe that would be the transition to focus on? The transition away from depending on people that disagree with your decisions. Some of the grad students I went to school with were about my age. I was a non-traditional student thanks to the military. And they started transition later and were happy with it. The crap people talk about how you should start early is just crap. Hormones work great on people well into their 40s. Your bone structure is the only thing that works better if you start younger. You should always go at your own pace.
Unfortunately, I don't get space. I'll be sitting in my room, doing whatever, she'll just come in and start talking/bitching/whatever. I go over to the other house to work on my taxidermy stuff, and most of the time, she'll insist on coming with me. Sometimes, I can't even get privacy by shutting my door because she'll just walk right in. Doesn't matter if I'm changing or anything. I don't have any friends that I can hang with, either. Never been good at making them. I just feel that I'm making it up since I only started questioning back in December. I can't really recall ever thinking I was a boy, like some people say. I guess when I hit my teens I started becoming unhappy with myself. My hormones were so screwed up that I needed to go on the pill to keep things manageable. Even now they're a bit screwy. I never played Zelda, didn't have a nintendo. Still, the analogy makes sense. I'm comfortable with the idea of looking like a guy. It makes me happy being mistaken as such, and it annoys me to be referred to as a woman. I have to stop myself from correcting people that don't know. I do have plans of leaving once I finish University. I'm thinking Seattle, to be honest. Mom hates the idea, but I can't stand this state and it's backwards views on things. I dislike standing up to my mom since it always makes things worse for me. I've been slapped a few times, been punished, etc. Yet, through all of this, she thinks I'm her best friend. Sorry, mom, we haven't been friends for a long time. Finally, to answer your question in your first post, I'm studying pharamcy.
