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Can't seem to make a decision.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Xava, Jun 27, 2013.

  1. Xava

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    So, not really sure where to start with this, and things may be all over the place and I apologize in advance for that. I'm 24 years old.

    Ever since I was 4-5 years old I can remember playing with my mom's clothes/shoes (I'm a guy). I've always had an obsession for high heels as well - growing up it was the typical "Mom would leave the house, I'd get my stash of clothes/shoes that I "stole" and wear them during the day, and I'd be changed before she got home. As I got older, 13-14 I started growing out of that stuff and had to get my own. At 14 my mom had gone through my room when I was at school and found all the clothes and shoes that I had bought, rushed to my school with all of them in a box, showed my counselor and proceeded to throw me in a mental hospital for a week where I basically shut down and never opened up. I got out of there and for fear of going back in I never got into any of that again. I moved out when I was 18 and all the thoughts had started to come back. The next few years I started gathering clothes again and would wear them out from time to time. I'm 24 now and about 6 months ago I came out, told my family, everyone was shocked but for the most part.. willing to tolerate it.

    Now that I've said that - Sexually I am straight.. been curious about guys though. Though to achieve orgasm I have to imagine myself as a girl or think about guys. After orgasm though, and I mean the instant after I absolutely hate myself, am disgusted by the fact that I (at that point in time) want/wanted to be a girl, dress up, ect ect. This has gone on since my teens and has not subsided. I've tried trying to will myself through it, tried coming out to all my family/friends and thought maybe the comfort that everyone knows about me would fix it but still nothing. I'll wake up in the morning, perfectly willing to go the path of a MtF, but then during the day if/when I have sex/masturbate I'll just hate myself and think that I'm making the wrong choice. The feeling lasts 20 minutes to a few hours depending on how hard of a time I give myself for it.

    I also smoke marijuana (Please don't give me any talks about drugs are bad) and the effect of being "high" can also make me second guess myself, not to the point of that I hate myself, but where I think I'm making the wrong decision and should just "stick to being a guy".

    I guess the biggest problem is the fact that I cant seem to make up my mind. Having my feelings flip/flop multiple times a day is just driving me insane.

    To re-iterate, I have no problems with family/friends knowing or "coming out" as I already have, my problem is that my mind just cant make its decision up. I work from home so there's no issues with having to deal with that. I've been living as a guy most days since I can't seem to make a decision and don't want to deal with the mental gymnastics. I've been looking for therapists to go talk to in my area but haven't had any luck finding one that doesnt have a ~3 month waitlist.

    There's probably many things that I left out, so if you have any questions, please feel free to ask as I'm desperately trying to figure out what my next plan of action should be.

    Thank you for reading this if you got all the way through :slight_smile:
     
  2. clockworkfox

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    I do the same thing frequently, imagine myself as a guy when having sex/masturbating, and I end up hating myself over it too, so I know it's a rough feeling to deal with. I have also been known to flip back and forth a few times a day, though when I think about wanting to be a girl, it's more for simplicity's sake, or out of anger - why can't I just "be normal", be the girl everyone sees me as? Is it really so bad, so hard?

    Just breathe, and wear what you like. Keep looking for therapists - I'll be seeing one soon for the first time in my life and I'm anxious but hoping for the best. Try learning to meditate, if it helps, make the time for it now and again. I found it helped me, but everyone's different. Do what makes you comfortable and happy. Really focus on the things that keep you calm and content. And if you need to change halfway through the day because what you're wearing doesn't feel right, then do it - god knows I've done it a billion times. Learn to handle it gracefully. Those moments are often my most frustrated ones, and if you find yourself doing the same thing, I imagine you find them difficult too.

    Keep talking, keep sharing anything you think is relevent or comfortable. We're here to support you. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Xava

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    It's the same for me, I tend to just live as a guy because it's easier and like you said, out of anger, wanting to be "normal".

    One thing I did forget to mention is aside from the obsession with wanting to look like a female and play the part - I have almost no "pure female" hobbies. My interests are gaming, working on sports cars, racing, typical "guy" things. Not sure how I should perceive that.
     
  4. Valkyrimon

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    Well, those are just interests. There are many cis girls who are into that stuff too. Using what you like wouldn't give you a reliable answer, as our brains aren't programmed to like certain types of man made things. These things tend to be taught. You were raised as a boy, so it isn't surprising you're into things society sees as typically masculine activities. I personally love video games, but that doesn't make me any less of a girl.
     
  5. Xava

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    Fair enough - honestly a lot of these things that I wonder about come from me getting inside my head too much trying to figure things out. I tend not to really talk to others about things and just tend to bottle things in, which is why I wanted to try this out.
     
  6. cdgurlcathy

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    Smll world. I am 50ish. A guy. I discovered my moms things at 13 or so also, but before I dared enter her room, I had dreams about panties. (and women wearing them and I remembr wnating to touch and feel thm in mt dreams) Once I got brave and found her panty drawer... I was hooked forever. I have always told myself I was just weird, it was just me, I was straight. I still feel straight, but when I am alone and dress, I am "Cathy" and want to be with another Cross dresser who plays the game like me, transformed into a gurl/girl.. In the last three years since these new feelings have emerged I question myself if I am Bi... I really don't know, and like you all, I go back and forth, have feelings for ANYONE in lingerie, pnties, as long as they have the same urge as I do to be in love with them.. (The lingerie) Yep, I'm a mess.
     
  7. srslywtf

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    May I suggest keeping a journal.. you dont even have to worry about spending the time writing in this modern age, just start recording yourself.

    I don't do it often enough, but when I do it helps make my thoughts/desires/goals much clearer and consistent as well.

    I regularly fill notebooks. Not that any guy would ever admit that IRL :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Also therapy helped me with alot of stuff... go for it and participate as willingly as you can.

    That said, if you're subconsciously burying something in your own head (which you dont seem to be, since youre aware of the conflict), it may not help.,. I got through some 'surface' issues in therapy, but it never made me aware of the elephant in the room that was probably the root of so many other problems.
     
  8. person54

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    I know for a long time I had a lot of internalized negative feelings about women that were trans and hated myself for feeling the way I did I would get those feelings of self hatred/disgust of myself that you describe.

    I have a friend that's a trans guy and he apparently sees a therapist online with skype or something. Online therapists might be an option for helping you work through this stuff/decide what you would like to do regarding transitioning or not if you can find one that is educated on gender issues, just make sure they're okay with writing letters of recomendation in case you do end up electing to start geting certain treatments.
     
  9. Xava

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    As was said, I'm very aware of the conflict so there's no real "demons" I guess waiting to come out of the closet, most people know about my feelings so there's no more "coming out". One of the hardest things that I'm having a time getting past is - I'm a physics major, so I wonder where this will end up if I did start treatments to transition, how easy will I find a job once I have my degree? Things like that. Just general "I'm worried about my future" thoughts, just with the added bonus of having to explain to an employer than I'm trans and all that. I did call and schedule an appointment with a therapist, earliest was the middle of july so I'll have to wait a couple of weeks.
     
  10. StephenKingfan5

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    I'm glad I'm not the only one that sees myself as another gender when I masturbate or have sex. A part of me wants so badly to be a man, to have a penis. I feel like I should have one and it's just missing. But I'm also scared to change. What if I don't feel right in my new body either? What if I have horrible scars from the surgery? It's such a big decision. Many people have talked about a therapist on here. Are there therapists that work specifically with gender issues? Or should any therapist be able to help with that?
     
  11. Xava

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    There are therapists that deal specifically with gender/TG issues. They'd be "more qualified" I guess, but typically you'll find them in large cities. Though you should be able to find some in smaller ones as well, just not as many. When you call a therapist, just explain your issues and typically they'll say that they can help you or refer you to someone else that they believe can.

    Those are pretty typical things to worry about as well - you hear instances of people wanting to "change back" ect. I believe that those people are products of doctors who will toss down a referral for SRS for anyone who walks in. There's a lot of tools online to find doctors as well, use them to your advantage and find a reputable doc.
     
  12. clockworkfox

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    I worry about that too. But I am always thinking about how badly I want to look like a guy. I don't think I'd regret any surgery - I'm just afraid of it going badly. Being able to rip my shirt off in the summer wouldn't be as exciting as it should be if I had no nipples...

    What I'm more worried about is that I'm so vain. I don't just want to look like a guy - I want to be a hot guy. But I'm small, and I have such soft features, and I look like a twelve year old boy. It all seems so impossible. :frowning2:
     
  13. Xava

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    I feel the same way, at least about the vain part :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: And hey, there's lots of cute smaller guys out there, you just don't try and act like you're all macho.

    My worries are like - Do I REALLY want to have to deal with the social stigma attached to all of it, having it be a hassle to do something as simple as renew my drivers license, ect. Or dealing with having to explain to employers, ect about being TG. I know that we live in a "politically correct" society but - the discussions will come up and you will have to deal with it. And I'm not sure if I want to be that person, simply because of the complexity.

    I guess like, I'd rather just live my life in the background, not really being noticed, at least for "negative" things. Every time I think that maybe I should go down that path, hormones, all that. I'll see some video on youtube about a "tranny" as they call themselves acting like an obnoxious guy in drag trying to scream to the world that he has to be accepted. And while I know persons like that aren't the majority, I just can't help but think that's what people would think/expect of me.

    Maybe it's just me, but i'd rather just be able to live with no unwanted attention.
     
  14. clockworkfox

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    Ehehe, no I am definitely not macho. xD

    That is the other thing - the social stigma is really crippling, on a lot of levels. :frowning2:
     
  15. toytoyzscruffy

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    My reply might be a bit here-there-everywhere, but hopefully it will help or comfort people :slight_smile:
    Its ok to feel the way you do Xava, I'm currently going the same thing as you (but I'm a 19yo born-female instead). As far back as I can remember I have always wanted to be a boy. When I was a little kid mum would dress me in girl clothes, but I would hate it so much. I would always play outside in the mud or pretend I was a soldier (and other sterotypical boy things), I would wish I could grow up to look like my Ken or Action Man 'dolls' instead of Barbie, and when I hit puberty I hated myself for being a girl. Whenever mum & I went clothes shopping I would always pick out camo shorts, boy shirts, and tried to hide the fact I was a girl (up until I was about 14 I also had my hair cut as "short back and sides").
    When I hit puberty I had to accept that I was a girl on the outside because I grew large breasts & butt, started having periods, etc. but on the inside it never felt right (even to this day). Like you Xava, and many others, I always fantasise about having the opposite genatils when I have sex or masturbate, & everytime after I climax I am disgusted in myself. I too wake up in the morning fully prepared to have a FtM transition, but I look at myself in the mirror & then doubtful thoughts will come & invade. It sucks and unfortunately it doesnt' go away either!
    Now I'm not giving a lecture about how drugs are bad for you and all that crap because its your life, but I'm just saying that is a depressant drug (just like alcohol). I occasionally drink to try and escape the confusion and the emotional termoil, but I get the same effects as what you Xava have explained when you get 'high'. Feelings of anger and frustration get the better of me sometimes though & I end up doing something stupid...like kicking a police car (p.s. I DON'T reccommend doing that).
    The internal argument of "why can't I be normal?" is horrible, especially for people who are confused about their gender or sexuality! I agree with clockworkfox's comment of just wear what you like and if you feel uncomfortable then change your clothes back. It doesn't matter what your hobbies/interests are because I'm female and I love gaming on my Xbox/PC, working in the shed with woodwork and metalwork, and quad/dirt biking.
    I do know where you are coming from Xava and it is hard. I used to bottle these feelings up too, but then I found out that my 2 best friends are transgender too. To start with I found this site to try and help them out as much as I could, but then I started to think about my own confused gender feelings. Like StephenKingfan5 and clockworkfox I also worry about the whole "what if I don't feel right in my new body either?" senario, but I think that's just my mind being evil and putting thoughts of doubt there. I think society's image of what a sexy man or sexy woman looks like is so warped its not funny. I saw my male friend, wants to be female, dress up a few months ago & they looked beautiful. I complimented my friend, but the reply was "don't be stupid, i'm not pretty. i'm just an ugly drag queen". The comment hurt my feelings only because my friend couldn't see the beauty I saw in them. My friend has slowly come to accept that I think they look beautiful in my eyes, but it has been a long journey.
    Social stigma is horrible! People just don't think when they joke about/make stereotypes about LGBTI people. If I had it my way all homophobic and racist people would be sent on a 1-way trip to the Sun.
    Anyway, on a happier note, how far off are you from completing your degree in Physics Xava?

    P.S. Feel free to ask me any questions people :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 1st Jul 2013 at 02:37 PM ----------

    P.P.S. I'm sorry about the mega long reply, I didn't actually realise it was that big.
     
  16. Xava

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    The drugs honestly are the least of my problems - what I was trying to get at from my post and probably skipped the point of was like - I will be perfectly fine for 2-3 days and live as a female for those days, then lets say day 3 or day 4 i decide hey, lets masturbate/have sex. Well after that then I'll just completely shut down and absolutely hate myself and think that all my thoughts are just crazy and that I should be a guy. I can't control that at all.

    So like, I'll go perfectly okay with living as a female, but like, how am I supposed to "live" as a girl when sex is essentially punishing, you know? I know when I orgasm that I'm going to hate myself no matter what I do. That's what makes everything so difficult and I can't get past that. 99% of the time when I'm 'high' it doesn't affect anything.

    And no it wasn't too long, I'm glad you took the time to share that :slight_smile:

    And I just finished my first year of graduate school /whew.
     
  17. clockworkfox

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    I always wanted to be a boy too. When I was younger I could be pretty insistent about it, and I never wanted to grow into the body I knew I would. But it's funny, because as much as I played superheroes and swordfights, I would also slip into the role of princess (though usually a rough-and-tumble princess) with ease. I've always had plenty of typically feminine interests as well as typically masculine ones. But the voice in my head that tells me I'm a boy has been persistent. And hey, fuck gender roles. Like what you like and do what makes you happy. Puberty was rough, for sure, but I could write a book about how much that sucked, so.

    I do think, though, that the feminine bits of me plant quite a bit of doubt in my head. 98% of the friends I've come out to feel compelled to go "I always thought you were pretty feminine", which naturally doesn't help. I'm quiet, and a little shy, and well yes, I've been socialized to be feminine from a young age. I have this deep set fear that I'll make a terrible guy if I ever have the chance to transition, and it's the one thing that's been holding me back from finding a therapist and coming out more. But I know I'm not comfortable being a girl. The whole thing is frustrating. :dry:
     
  18. toytoyzscruffy

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    Congratulations on completing your first year Xava.
    I didn't mean to offend you or anything about the reference to the drugs (and I'm sorry if I did), I was just trying to relate as much as I could with my own drinking experiences. Anyway, I do know what you mean in relation to the sex problem though. It is a hard thing to figure out, but once I do work out the best way to tackle that hurdle I'll let everyone know :slight_smile:
    I agree with you clockworkfox, the whole thing is frustrating! For me it would probably be a bit easier because most of my friends know me as being 'butch' or tomboy, but its my physical features that put me off the most. Big boobs, big butt, and long brown hair (which I plan to get shaven off next year for a fundraiser) don't help my situation. I have no problem with boobs or butts... I just prefer them on other people :slight_smile:
    The idea of looking like a terrible guy, or a guy with no nipples down at the beach, also crosses my mind too. Although, I think a lot of that type of thinking comes from the horrible image society gives out. Sterotypically a beautiful woman has to be really skinny, big boobs/butt, long straight hair, and is tanned. Sterotypically a hot guy has to be 6 foot something, rippling muscles, short hair, and a chiseled jaw. A classic example is my MtF friend I mentioned before. In my eyes I saw a gorgeous emo girl dressed up in short black shorts and a tanktop (with added gel type stick-on breasts implants), but all they saw was society's image of a drag queen. I really wish I had a magical wand that could change society's view on topics like these for the better.
    Anyway, enough about me and my friends; I hope this information was helpful for you and feel free to comment on anything I've said.