I think of myself as a lesbian. But, not as a "true" lesbian, I feel like the only reason I'm attracted to women is my fear of men. Or rather, being dominated over. I've been brought up by my guardian ever since my mother's death (I was ten when she departed) and I've never met my father. I'm not going to waste people's time and describe each and every occurence of my childhood-adolescence, instead I'll just confess that the lack of a mother (or a maternal figure) has very much affected my gender identity. I don't view myself as a woman. Not quite. I like my somewhat feminine looks, despite wanting to become more muscular and changing my way of being. I feel like a man. But I don't really see changing my sex as an option. It's possible that being with my guardian - who doesn't have a very good opinion of homosexual men - connected with my gender-identity change has made me "afraid" of loving men, in a way. I think that if I were to "gain" a boyfriend, I'd constantly struggle over dominance. I wouldn't let him in. And I'd feel very awkward about kissing or hugging him, not to mention having sex with him. I'm not really interested in creating a relationship with men like I'm with a women. I feel a very strong need to protect instead of being protected. I realize that this craving might not neccessarily be healthy in a relationship, but that's how it is. Men are rivals to me, I always try to be stronger, faster, more intelligent. I feel ashamed of my being a woman. Perhaps it's got something to do with my closest family (grandma and uncle) throwing comments about how "your ass is bigger than mine" (uncle) or "my behind is smaller than yours" (grandma) or generally reminding me that my thighs are bigger than they should be. My uncle also sometimes makes disgusted faces at my legs and remarks about how horrible they look (I have a problem with self-mutilation). And then they throw fits like "don't be stupid, wear those shorts! Don't wear these tights, it's summer! You should show your legs!" and I just don't know what to think. But, getting back to the point, I think my "sexual orientation" (if you can speak of one at the age of 15) isn't natural. It feels more like it's "forced" on me by my lack of acceptance towards my femininity. Has anybody experienced something like this? Is it natural or is it something that should be consulted with a psychologist? Please forgive me my bad English. And sorry for making this post so long.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am the same way. When I am in a relationship with a man I constantly have the feminist struggle with him as if he is putting me down or in a box when really he is just being a man. with a woman there is so much more of a connection that I don't have to worry about the dominance. I am 27 and for you to be at this point in your journey so young is a good sign that you know who you are. I dated girls off and on in high school and still into my adult life. I am with a man now and mostly I think its cause we have a son together. But I do compete with him, I try to show I am bigger and better than he is, and it is always a struggle. and when I am with a female it is softer. I do take care of them and it just feels better. trust who you are. develop a strong sence in your direction and go for it. I am "forced" with a man from my situation and we openly talk about the struggles I go thru. but if I had it my way id be with a woman. hope this helps and you can vent to me ANY time!
