So last night is the first time I've really gone out at night/on the weekend since I admitted/accepted to myself I'm gay. Riding in my friends car was awkward enough. Alcohol did nothing to ease it.. Then we're going to this new bar/club because my friend is DJing there. There was nobody we knew there, it was still pretty early really. In the best of times I would be pretty awkward at that point, but I'd keep it together and manage socially. All of a sudden I just had a massive rush of anxiety about being gay and whether people noticed... I'm sure they didn't now that I look back, but hey thats how my brain likes to do things... ehhh...:bang: It was horrible, like I literally had to just leave right then without saying goodbye to anyone.. and then walking home through the city on a friday night (shops still open at that time on friday night too), still feeling that way, gah.. I was with really really close friends, like, my closest friends... but I couldn't say a thing. Didn't know how to act around them. I'm not particularly attracted to any of them, I guess it was just all unexpectedly new to me. Anyone dealt with this kinda thing? Got any solutions for getting over it? I guess it will become easier over time.
I was in an uncomfortable situation recently. It's not exactly the same as your situation, but there are some similarities. I saw one of my friends for the first time since I kind of fully processed that I'm gay, and my friend invited another one of his friends to come along. I've met his friend before, though I didn't know him that well. Anyways, well, some stuff happened that I wasn't expecting, I won't get into the details, but long story short: they both ended up telling gay jokes and talking shit about gays. The friend I went to see never talked that way around me (he doesn't know I'm gay), but with that other friend, well... I was just sitting there the whole time, wondering if they'd be talking that way if they knew I was gay, all while still trying to hide the fact that I'm gay, while having nothing to contribute to their conversation. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? I'm currently seeing a therapist, and I talk with her about the fact that I'm gay and the issues that go along with it, so it was comforting for me to know that I could talk with her about this situation the next time we met. I think that kind of helped me keep it together when I was with this friend.
