1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

My life story: Sexuality/Religion/Personal issues (It is LONG FYI)

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by TyTy91, Jul 6, 2013.

  1. TyTy91

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2012
    Messages:
    78
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Atlanta
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Thank you for reading this I appreciate it!
    Spilling this out has been theraputic for me. I dont have to tell this
    to people face to face only by internet.

    Sorry if it gets graphic too

    I had ADHD -combined type Inattentive&hyperactive. However as I got
    older its more inattentive than hyperactive and I also have a mild
    mixed receptive/expressive language disorder. I have documentation
    that I have this. Plus Ive always had a problem expressing what Im
    trying to say but it never comes out right, and it cant be hard to
    describe how Im feeling because sometimes I dont know how to describe
    it. I also forget my thoughts more now even though Im 22, it feels
    like my memory is getting bad however I remember some of the major
    situations that happened which are down below. So it gets very
    frustrating that is also a reason why I get anxiety talking to people.

    I'm a guy who like guys romantically/physical attraction(sexually
    aroused) and I dont like girls (romantically/sexually) however I would
    definitely be friends with them. I grew up in a devout jehovahs
    witness family and it was hard, not doing what other people in school
    could do. I couldnt celebrate holidays, couldnt see rated R movies, no
    participation in school activities like prom homecoming, school clubs
    or sports, and could really only be friends with people who were
    jehovahs witness. I wonder is there a reason why I dont really care
    that I didnt fit in with being at a bday party or christmas party at
    school?

    At the time it sucked but I got over it, but at the same time I really
    dont care and have no emotion of it at all. I guess the fact that it
    happened every year I got use to it.

    When I was younger Ive been told a birthday is a day when you were
    born and you celebrate it every year because its the day you are on
    this earth meaning its a special day, since I didnt celebrate it I
    felt I wasnt special at all.

    When I was younger when trying to make friends to a jehovahs witness
    (JW) I would either fade out with them, or felt left out and didnt
    hang out with them. The only rebellious thing Ive done in school was
    joining the Black History Committee to do an annual play for BHM
    (black history month) and me visiting gay porn sites and masturbation.
    Thats pretty much it other than that I did whatever my parents told me to do.

    My older sister on the other hand was VERY rebellious having
    boyfriends, having sex boyfriends, fighting in school, and running
    away from home one time and she was out for a month or 2 living with someone else. My sister was always opposite from me she was more extroverted and Im introverted. She had alot of friends and associates, and I didnt have any friends really!

    In October 2008 I remember I came home from school and I saw my room
    door not attached it was gone. I saw my mom in my room and my dad was
    in the living room and said that my mom is upset she found the pictures ive printed out of guys who were nude and saw my diaries long story short instead of throwing them away they made me go to the fire place and burn them including my journals about my feelings and watching them burn and turn to ashes.

    You have to understand since I was by myself I couldnt attend the GSA
    Gay Straight Alliance at school and since at home I couldnt watch LOGO
    which is a network for Gays and Lesbians and watching shows being
    entertained and learn from them too. Instead of that I had saw gay
    porn pictures and so I went on to the site. Nowadays Im on porn every
    single day and I feel like I may have an addiction to it now. Sorry to
    be so graphic but when I masturbate and add a friend on a xtube I feel
    guilty and wish that I havent done that. Even though Im a virgin and
    have kind of a addiction to porn I'm honestly a little scared of sex
    and have anxiety. Because "I would think that why would a guy want to
    be with me?" Im also self conscious about my body, ( A lot have that
    problem) I get really nervous around guys, so its going to be a
    challenge to me to find love. I want to be in a relationship but Im
    terrified of them at the same time.

    Why is it when I pleasure myself to a person that I kind of have
    feelings for goes away after I pleasured myself? I dont like it or if
    Im dirty talking to a person on computer or add them as a friend why
    do I feel different guilty and regretful after I pleasure myself?

    I came out to my parents 2009 and 2010, they didnt take it well even
    though they said they knew. My mom told me that she "loved" me but
    never will accept me and said that I need to have thicker skin. Her
    tone really sounded annoyed and angry and just negative. Also pretty
    much said to me not to tell anyone and not be open about it. I though
    about committing suicide that night to be honest with you. I wanted to
    either hang myself or overdose myself with pills. That was in April of
    2010 and I came out to my dad in February 2009 he told me that I would
    be destroyed when Armageddon comes and he was pretty mad when I told
    him. Yet when I came out to him that I was bisexual in December of
    2008 he was crying a little bit but after that we played video games
    after I told him.

    In 2011, Ive notice that I became less interested in everything, and I
    love movies and interested in Acting and Filming and notice that I was
    feeling very emotionless, like I felt like a robot, I didnt feel
    anything, just felt so empty, not really sad but empty. But the
    feeling of emptiness Ive been feeling that for a very long time at
    times. I was thinking about suicide when I came out to my mom in 2010.
    I always feel tired, sometimes I would have 5 hours of sleep and would
    be awake, but sometimes I could be sleeping for 9 to 10 hours and
    still be tired. I do toss and turn from time to time every night but
    not through the whole entire night. Also me wanting to leave SO badly
    I would actually by plane tickets to leave for LA but never did so I
    also wasted money in the process. I actually planned on living in a
    homeless shelter for LGBT youth while going to school. Ive done this 2
    or 3 times (buying plane tickets) in 2011.

    I know that Ive already came out to my parents and I know that I like
    guys, and when it comes to other people who are gay Im accepting but
    whats weird about it if I see gay men I feel uncomfortable and I dont
    like feeling that way I want to be comfortable around my people.

    Ive always had low self confidence and low self esteem and negative
    thinking to myself. When I even have good stuff that happens to me Im
    like its not a big deal (drivers license and graduating from high
    school) However I can be up beat and want to tell people to think
    positive thoughts when theyre down but I dont feel good about myself.
    I felt like a hypocrite. I looked up the symptoms I was feeling and it
    lead me to depression. But they say depression comes in different ways
    so I thought I had it but I dont know. I told my dad that I will stay
    but my motives were to save money and get help. I went to my
    behavioral doctor and on my sheet it just say Unspecified Depression
    (Chronic) . He prescribed me antidepressant Bupropion (Wellbutrin) for
    depression symptoms and ADD. Which Im still currently on.

    Now being a jehovah witness Im not really feeling the religion plus
    discovering lies that they've made, but with me being a JW and with
    having trouble making friends outside the church and in church, I just
    stayed in my room and was in my own secluded world. So Ive been
    isolated and I get nervous around people mostly because with my
    receptive/expressive language disorder it makes me sound dumb and
    stupid because it would be difficult to explain and articulate, and
    having to experience this its embarrassing and it makes me not want to
    be around people. Yet I really want to be with people because I want
    friends I dont really have a best friend and I want that.

    Since time has moved on I still get nervous but not really around
    women, but with guys I am a nervous wreck esp people around my age. Im
    a cashier so I have to say hi to people but I still get even nervous. Even if a
    guy is straight I still get nervous, plus I work next to a gym and you
    would think it would help me being exposed to athletic men but it
    doesnt. Not to mention I do have anxiety in my life time that I can
    remember Ive had 2 panic attacks. My first one was at the age of 12
    and the last one was recently in September 2012.

    I was at work and I ran to the phone to get the phone call, and then
    after the phone call out of nowhere. My breathy became unregular and
    my chest started to hurt a little bit, so I just went about my own
    business because I didnt want to make a big deal out of it, then I
    would say 10 min my chest started to hurt even more and I started to
    feel very lightheaded like I was going to fant. at the time I was
    wondering if something was wrong with my heart, so I went to my
    manager and she said Ill call 911 and I said no because I dont want it
    to be a big deal and just let me go to the doctor. To be honest I was
    scared of going to the hospital, I dont like hospitals! but then they
    said it could be something serious so they called an ambulance for me.
    My manager told me to go to the back and sit down at this point my
    chest was still hurting a little bit, but my breathing was still heavy
    and had heart palpitations and then my body started to get tingly and
    then on it went numb I couldnt move, however my chest pain had
    subsided but the numbing was intense. The paremedics came and
    basically told me to calm down and slow my breathing, I think they knew I was having a panic attack but they still took me to the hospital. At the hospital they
    done xray and a heart scan and the doctor said that everything was
    fine but go to the regular doctors and they let me go. That night I
    looked up the symptoms I had and it was saying that those symptoms
    where a panic attack. But this panic attack had came out of nowhere.

    I went back to my behavioral doctor and told him what has happened to
    me since my last visit I told him about the anxiety attack and so he
    prescribed me Seteraline (Zoloft) but he said we have to watch it
    because he doesnt want to prescribe me more medications for my safety.
    Ive been taking Zoloft and Wellbutrin and I think its working for the
    depression symptoms, however the Wellbutrin is not working for the
    ADD. I want to tell my doctor about the Zoloft, it has to be working
    because Im more talkative to customers at my job as a cashier, but Ive
    been experiencing the side effects for sometime and Ive been on Zoloft
    for 3 months and still experienced nausea, upset stomach and diarretha
    and it takes FOREVER to have an orgasm.


    When I told my employee about my anxiety attack and she said that I
    was shy, she also said that Im the type of person that always thinks
    that something is wrong with me, which kind of pissed me off because
    she doesnt know what im going through. She also said that I would like
    to have all the attention! Thats what is so weird to me, I wish I was
    that person that could dance or be extremely talented and have people
    looking at me and cheering me, but yet I cant stand in front of people
    it so weird, on stage at church for a reading I HAD to do, Ive done
    that before it was a nightmare. Speaking of getting nervous I just
    know for a fact that I would have anxiety/nervousness in a gym.

    I didnt harm myself ever, but one time when I was about 13 or 14 I
    remember I went into my parents room went underneath their bed and saw
    a bat and I wanted to hit myself with it, I also remember in that
    house my room was in the back of the house and behind the fence were
    trees and bushes and it was a deep hill and sometimes I had thoughts,
    never attempted, but had thoughts to just jump into the bushes trees
    and thorns.

    However I have a problem of scalp picking, Ive been doing this since
    like the age of 11 or 12 I cant stand the site of dandruff it looks
    nasty and I dont want in my head. So I would always scratch my scalp
    to see if I have any. I also do it when ever Im nervous or stressed
    because I would pick in my head when taking a test or doing homework.
    It feels good time to time but I scratch it sometimes when it hurts a
    little. I try to stop but its hard!


    I dont know if Im totally a hypochondriac because my dad has type 2
    Diabetes and had it for years now, but Im not living at the gym and
    eating all healthy foods and checking symptoms that is wrong with me,
    the only thing Ive done drastic which was stop drinking sodas and its
    been 2 1/2 years since I had a Sprite and other soft drinks. Ive been
    drinking milk water and lemonade and apple juice. Other than that I
    dont worry about the diabetes even though I do need to start eating a
    little healthier and exercise more. Plus a hypochondriac always goes
    to hospitals to see whats wrong with them and I hate hospitals and I
    hate/scared of blood, so in a way I dont think Im a complete
    hypochondriac. I have short term memory and its bad but I dont think
    have Dementia or Alzheimers, I sneeze and I dont look to see on the
    internet if I have the Flu or like HIV/AIDS or cancer etc...

    However idk but I think Im weird at times, sometimes in my head when I
    think of a songs music background or the vocal of a singer who is
    singing a lyric in the song I cry a little bit and then , I still get
    irritable. Or sometimes I would lay down and have tears coming down
    for no reason.
    When someone in my family is sick I get so annoyed if they keep
    coughing or sniffing and other times it doesnt bother me. When I look
    at my parents sometimes I just want to hit them in the face but deep
    down I know that I love them. If they died (knock on wood) I would be
    sad! Or I said I like to have friends but sometimes when my employees
    want to hang out, I really dont feel like it, and Id rather be in bed
    and just watch TV, yet I want to go out with people and have friends
    at the same time. Or sometimes I would get so excited and then going
    back to feel calm again. It's weird!

    Also to be honest I really think about death a lot now and this is
    just me! I even remember when I was 10 I wrote on a picture of mine
    1991-2001. My dad saw it and he asked me and I really dont know why I
    did it But I just have a feeling Im not going to live long I know its
    odd but I feel like Im going to die soon once everything good starts
    to happen to me since pretty much my life sucked. Im not scared of
    death itself we're are all going to face it one day. Is it messed up
    for me to say that if I was given an option to live forever or die. I
    would rather die than live forever, I dont want to live forever.

    For me I think no one understands me because I dont understand myself
    because Ive always done what other people say (esp my parents) always
    tell me what to do all the time and sometimes what to think like
    saying I suggest you..... or "I would if I were you". I even looked on
    google to search "How to find yourself"? I dont even know what kind of
    true personality I have.

    Plus some people would say Im fine for some reason but for one thing
    they havent walked in my shoes and what Ive experienced.

    Also Its just I feel like Im not aware of anything or like I don't
    feel fully conscious or present in my surroundings. All the time and
    Im on a antidepressant and Ive felt like this before I was on an
    antidepressant. I dont like feeling this way. Like Im gay but
    sometimes I dont have that complete feeling as a gay guy, I think its
    because Im still living here in my parents house secluded and not
    having a life.

    I do plan on moving out by early next year but its going to be
    challenging in finding a roommate when I dont have friends and I kind
    of want to know people before I move in.

    Also I know this is quite strange but I honestly feel like I should be
    pissed off at my parents in the past. To the point that I shouldnt be
    talking to my parents but I just cant remember. I only remember the
    big details like how I explained above.

    I also remember my dad and I were arguing but he was mostly doing the
    yelling but when I tried to say something that wasnt disrespectful I
    remembered he hit me. Also I remember him asking me if I wanted to be
    a girl and I said No. But that is all the stuff I can remember. I
    think i should be mad but me never expressing myself I would always just forget about it and ignore it and eventually it goes away.

    Somethings have come up though, even though I dont believe in the
    jehovah witness religion, every time when someone says Jehovah or
    Jehovahs Witness, my heart would beat fast or my stomach would have
    that dropping feeling. IDK I think I might be fearful subconciously.

    I dont think Im repressed because I havent been raped or sexually molested.

    I feel messed up in a sense because Im writing this right now and my
    story and what happened, and my experiences are messed up, yet I feel
    as though Im calm and have a nonchalant attitude right now.

    I turned 22 3 months ago and it was my birthday and again Im not
    celebrating it and facebook made me feel down because a lot of people
    didnt replied happy birthday and even though most people dont know
    that I was raised jehovahs witness. Its kind of depressing for me that
    I would wish the friends that I have on facebook a happy birthday but
    I dont get the return.

    I just have a feeling that Im going to have a mental breakdown when I
    move out of this house. Me being extremely sheltered in my life and
    not ready for the world but eventually im going to have to dive in the pool.
    However recently I remember just going to the bathroom and just
    started to cryi because im going to be moving out and being scared and
    anxcious.

    Before I got on the antidepressant I was experiencing these
    Mentally:
    Apathy just felt SOOO empty
    Low Confidence
    Low Self Esteem
    Ive lost my interest Im really into Movies and kind of into acting but
    started to become less interested in
    Worthless
    Helpless
    Negative Thinking
    Isolated
    Brain Fog
    Thinking of death all the time and wondering kind of obsessed where do
    we go when we die
    Thoughts of committing suicide after I came out to my parents in April 2010
    Tired all the time I would still be tired if I have 10 hours of sleep
    Unaware of my surroundings/in my own bubble
    Self Image issues

    Physically:
    Experience back pains time to time
    Eating was off schedule Sometimes I wont eat most of the day and then
    would just sort of binge
    Lack of energy
    Tired all the time
    Worried of my weight I use to weigh 210lbs at age 14 now Im 22
    weighing 156 I was 148 before but gained a little, Im still small but
    still dont feel good about myself

    CURRENTLY: I mean I do have some positive things around me such as going to
    school this fall and having a job. BUT Im still in a slump

    Even though Im on an antidepressant mentally I still have low self
    esteem and confidence and feel emptiness and apathy, a little brain
    fog, self images issues, irritable and still have anxiety at times. I do have
    say I was feeling very irritable to the point I wanted to cry. My
    sister and my niece are staying here for a little bit but they dont
    even flush the toilet and clean behind themselves in the bathroom. I
    dont understand it, at this point I really want to lock the bathroom
    door so no one will go in the bathroom. I just want to clean it up and
    no one can go in but me because I want it to keep it clean. Im not
    even a neat freak but at least I pick up after myself.

    Also sometimes I have thoughts like "What is the point of living if we
    are going to die anyway?", and "What is the point of life?" "What is
    my purpose on this
    earth?" Yet at work I can smile in your face and be "happy" all the
    time, yet you wouldnt know how I really feel. Still feel lonely
    isolated and still no real friends.
    I dont love myself and I dont know how to love myself

    I know this is weird too but sometimes often I feel like Even though I
    have ADD sometimes most of the time I feel like I dont have an emotion
    at times!It can be difficult to describe how I feel. With the religion
    and experience I just tend to forget about them. Sometimes I think
    that really my raw emotions is really in my subconscious mind and is
    blocked by my feeling of emptiness/numbness, plus having a short term
    memory assist with it too.

    Physically: I have bad innsomia and tired all of the time
    Thought of loosing my weight would help with my self esteem intensely
    but just only a little bit, but overall its still low meaning I have
    other deeper issues that I have because of a person who lost this much
    weight would be happy and Im not. Mostly I still feel the same.


    I just dont feel healthy like a regular physically/mentally healthy
    person.
    Do I have a certain type of depression? or Is it anxiety?
    How come I'm uncomfortable around gay men, when I like guys?
    How can I love myself when I dont like myself?
    How to love?
    How to get rid of negative self talk?
    How to get over my self image issues?
    Do I have an addiction to gay porn?
    Am I hypochondriac?
    How can I get over these issues Im having?
     
  2. whyme10

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2013
    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Hartford U S A
    Hi: Just had to contact you. I am much older than you and was also raised as a JW. I have pioneered, been an elder and yes I am married but very gay. I would like to talk with you I think I can be of some help to you. I am still married and see one special man as much as possible. I no longer fear Jehovah or the society it is all bullshit and lies. There is so much you need to learn about and you will in time. Contact me and I will do all I can to help.:smilewave
     
  3. StormySea

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2013
    Messages:
    110
    Likes Received:
    0
    Aw man... Excuse my language, but that really is a lot of shit to go through. I'm sorry :frowning2:

    I'll try to help ya out as much as possible here:
    Firstly, to me, the first word that came to mind when you put ADHD, social awkwardness, and emptiness together was Aspergers Syndrome. I'm no doctor, but I have Aspergers + ADD/Dyslexia, and all your emotional (or lack of) points fit what I felt in childhood to a T. I don't know if all of it's related, but I had a lot of the same troubles throughout elementary and middle school as you are now. I was fortunate enough to be exposed to enough social situations to watch, learn, and pick up enough social skills to understand other people, but you didn't have that luxury as a child.
    You can always try going to a park, pub or someplace similar (be safe!) and just watch and take notes on how people interact. Movies are also fairly reliable, especially old Disney movies. That's how I've learned to be somewhat social anyway!

    About feeling uncomfortable with yourself- just try eating healthier and exercising more. That covers most areas of uncertainty or comfortability levels around other people because you boost your self confidence knowing that you are doing the best for yourself physically and mentally. (And working out doesn't have to be something you do in public like at a gym- running by yourself or doing workouts at home can be just as effective.)

    Also, it sounds like you spend a lot of time in enclosed areas and rooms indoors. Vitamin D deficiency can cause lethargy and depressive symptoms, so two ways to get more vitamin D are to either get a sun lamp or just get out in the sun more! Beaches are also great places to watch social situations, just remember not to appear too observant with so many half-naked people running around, haha.
    (I'm trying to explain this in a way that people reading this who actually understand people and are naturally sociable won't find creepy, but it's proving to be very difficult. >~<)

    Once you feel comfortable and confident about yourself, you can move onto meeting other people. You have to take this one stage at a time! By that point, things should start to slowly work themselves out. Like the feeling of anxiousness around other gay men- that's probably from just not being used to social situations in general, let alone attractions. So just try to get used to being with other people.
    ((BIG SUGGESTION HERE: Step outside Jehovahs Witness. I know a quite a few people who were part of it and it's probably a better move strategically if you step outside of the JW bubble. There's bound to be some sort of city community or book club or something you can join near abouts where you live.))

    We'll get to love later. It's complicated.

    How to get rid of negative self talk: Positive self talk! You're an amazing person! Make a list of things you want to accomplish- just small goals- and go out and do them! Example:
    - Go to the market and buy bread.

    BOOM. $5, 10-15 MINUTE COMMITMENT RIGHT THERE.

    Now what can you do with the bread? Well, you can make food with it for yourself, or give it to someone less fortunate then yourself and living on the streets- help out another human being. Helping is what humans do, and it's a very accomplishing and satisfying task.

    About the porn: I'd suggest just getting off it. From what I've seen with other people, it never leads down a good road. Think about it: you're looking in on a privet, intimate moment between two people, that you don't know- and they don't know you.
    I really don't see what people get out of porn. You can live without it!

    I don't think you're a hypochondriac! Maybe a bit concerned, but it's good to pinpoint areas of imbalance in your life. It's the first step to getting yourself back on track!

    So there's my two cents for ya. Hope it helps a little bit!


    To other people that comment: please feel free to modify any discrepancies I've made here, and/or add on, dispute, etc.
    (I'm trying to get better at advice-giving myself, so feedback would be appreciated as well! <3)