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A little out, and now I make people uncomfortable without doing anything different

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Parsley, Jul 6, 2013.

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  1. Parsley

    Parsley
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    I've been steadily coming out to the group of friends I thought would be most accepting. This friend group doesn't know my family because I don't want an accidental family outing! And really, by and large my friends have been amazingly supportive!! But I'm realizing something that is upsetting me. I now have the ability to make the friends that I am out to uncomfortable even when I am not acting any differently than I did before. I don't like it.

    My roommate/friend just mentioned something about her mother finding out that she lives with a lesbian, as if this was a 'thing' that would be a problem. As if I'm some sort of predator. I'm painfully shy and awkward and sexually inexperienced. I am the exact opposite of a seductress! And even if I was good with the ladies, my roommate is straight so why would I bother even trying that. I've already met her mother on multiple occasions before coming out, and we got along great. I'm the same person. Why would it be a thing now?

    And as I was coming out to another friend today I realized that part way through our conversation when I was just answering a question she asked about being gay, that she became very uncomfortable. You could just see it. But I was only answering the question she asked! And it was not anything sexually graphic in any way, or sexual at all really.

    Also this week my roommates acted very strangely uncomfortable when I brought home a lesbian movie DVD. Not porn, just a lesbian movie. They continue to be supportive, and accepting but this DVD definitely made them really uncomfortable. I didn't even watch it with them, or try to get them to watch it.

    I don't like this. The only friends I feel that I don't make uncomfortable are my queer friends. I don't have to watch what I say around them at all. I can fully be myself without scaring them. But I don't want me being myself to scare my other friends. I'm not any different than I was before! I don't understand!
     
    #1 Parsley, Jul 6, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2013
  2. HelloMyNameIs

    HelloMyNameIs
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    Re: A little out, and now I make people uncomfortable without doing anything differen

    Their acting uncomfortable probably has more to do with their own assumptions than with you. Maybe you should talk to them, telling them that you're still the same person and that you're not going to act any different around them than you did before you came out. It's great that they are supportive, but acting uncomfortable clearly doesn't make things any easier for you.

    Your roommate's mother is probably just (irrationally) scared, but given that she's met you before, she should see that there's nothing to be scared of. Also, don't let your roommates make you feel bad about your choice in movies, because if you look at the selection of movies on the average store shelf, most of them have some sort of scene between a man and woman, and no one even blinks at those. But show two women or two men being romantic, and whoa! People become uncomfortable. It's not that (most of them) are trying to be mean, but they're not really thinking about it. If only more people would realize that straight is not the default, and think about "when they realized that they were heterosexual."

    I wish you nothing but the best, and I hope that this will all clear up. (*hug*)
     
    #2 HelloMyNameIs, Jul 7, 2013
  3. rjrh20

    rjrh20
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    Re: A little out, and now I make people uncomfortable without doing anything differen

    I just came out to a friend and she just got really uncomfortable and would always change the subject when something about girls at all came up so I just reassured her that I am the same person I was when she thought I was straight. That really helped she is a lot more open to talk about it now.
     
    #3 rjrh20, Jul 7, 2013
  4. resu

    resu
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    Re: A little out, and now I make people uncomfortable without doing anything differen

    Maybe your friends are going through the so-called 5 stages of loss/grief (i.e. loss of you as a straight woman). They are having to come to terms with their internalized homophobia, but luckily they are already on a positive path by being supportive of you and not getting stuck in denial. I agree that you should talk to and reassure them (one-on-one might be easier) since they may not be consciously aware they are hurting your feelings.
     
    #4 resu, Jul 7, 2013
  5. HopeFloats

    HopeFloats
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    Re: A little out, and now I make people uncomfortable without doing anything differen

    I feel you. I really want to come out to a straight friend today. But we're taking our kids to the pool and it crossed my mind that she might be uncomfortable around me in a swimsuit now. I'm not interested in her at all. But we went to the pool a few days ago and due asked me to feel her leg bc she hadn't shaved in a month. It crossed my mind that she might not be so comfortable if she knew I ws gay.
    So, it's not that you or I have changed. But our friends might need time to adjust and understand.
     
    #5 HopeFloats, Jul 7, 2013
  6. biggayguy

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    Re: A little out, and now I make people uncomfortable without doing anything differen

    It could be that they're afraid of their own feelings. Maybe they are scared that they are not completely straight. Perhaps the idea of a lesbian movie turned your room mate on just a bit.
     
    #6 biggayguy, Jul 7, 2013
  7. Boyfriend

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    Re: A little out, and now I make people uncomfortable without doing anything differen

    Give them time, I´m sure they just have to get used to the idea and adjust their thoughts about lesbians they might have had.

    I´m experiencing the same thing now. I don´t go about telling people, but when they ask I tell and they sort of jump back like I got the plague. And they´ve known me since kindergarten, you know. Really weird. I just hope they realise soon I´m just me and nothing changed.

    And I hope that will happen with your friends too. That they will see that you are just you.

    (*hug*)
     
    #7 Boyfriend, Jul 8, 2013
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