I just felt like posting my thoughts here again, and I hope it will catch some interest so I have done at least something productive today. I'm back from florida, it was a good time there. But coming back was really fun and refreshing. In my head, I was planning to go into town more often with the few friends I have, and do something instead of melting in my chair, alone. I texted a few friends when I was in florida, that we have to go to town, play games together and do whatever. But I don't know. Those friends I have never text me back on facebook. It's like I'm of no interest to anyone. A few weeks ago, this girl I've known and been in class with since 1st grade and his boyfriend, called me out of nowhere. Asking us to hang out. We did, and although it wasn't anything major, it was fun. I started to think that, if I just give them a chance, now that they've hung out with me, I can start being with them a lot and share more of my life with them. But I guess I was wrong. I always try to text those two on facebook, and I text some other boys from school that shares similar interests with me. But they never really text me back. Of course they do, SOMETIMES, but I feel more like they do when they're bored. Like I'm their last friend of interest. I try to be positive, to keep my head up, but all the signs are there. I'm a loner, and it's always been that way. Because of this damned sexuality. I'm not a super-social person. I'm not special either, for that matter. But I just don't know why no one finds any interest in me. I have this one special friend I've talked about. The one I game with, most of the time. But he's been a friend since 8th grade. We don't go to the same school, so ofc he has found new friends by now. I mentioned twice in the last week, that I wanted to go into town with him. Just to be there, do something. Being somewhere else than inside my room. But as I spoke to him today, I found out that he had been at town 2 days in a row with his new friends, and I didn't hear anything from him. I acted a little cold, because I felt hurt. He tried to plan up something for us to do tomorrow, but somewhere in the chat I mentioned "nerd", and he got offended. And threw the word "faggot" at me. I went off the chat, and atm writing this. It's like he doesn't know how serious this is to me. It made me feel like he doesn't care. He said on pm on the phone that, If I say something offensive towards him as "Nerd", I should expect something offensive back. I dunno. My life is a complete shit of boredom and loneliness. If you came this far, I congratulate you. I am so confused, I don't know how to behave around anything anymore. I'm just slowly wasting away my precious life, and I really don't want it to be like this.
Okay, been here before....ALOT when I was younger. First and foremost don't worry about other people, what they think is their problem and if they don't wanna hang out with you cause your gay(and I doubt that's why) then that's their loss. Second, and this took me a really long time to figure out. People, generally speaking, are only concerned with the first person perspective. Meaning that most people have their own stuff in life and their own situations that they are not thinking about anything else but themselves. You can take two lessons from this 1) maybe they are just as bored as you are or 2) maybe you have to be the one to come up with something to do. I used to get really hurt when my friends in college would throw a party or something like that without me, but in retrospect they were inviting a lot of people and so what if I am not their #1 friend and got overlooked. It happens, plus I never really invited other people to do stuff so that was my bad. Also you might try to find more friends or if your really up to it, go out on your own! Finally, and this relates to the first paragraph, don't let other people control you. There was this great teacher I had back in 8th grade that taught me this awesome way of thinking (this article kinda similar). Basically here is what you do draw a large circle on a paper, inside the circle write everything that you have control of (your attitude, your outlook, how you dress, etc.) and outside of the circle write a list of things that you don't have control of(other people's attitude, the weather, other people's thoughts). Okay so what's outside the circle you cannot control, so why do you worry about it? what you should really do is focus on what you have control of and what your doing and let everything outside of the circle just happen. --- Hope this helps :hug:
My best friend was a guy and after I came out he really started avoiding me a lot... He almost never talked to me and he started making it glaringly obvious he was keeping away... I'm pretty sure it would be different for bi guys than it is gay guys, but I made a couple of really good girl friends. I find that girls can just be way more supportive about your feeling and just be LOADS easier to talk to... especially since I'm feminine gay it's just naturally easier for me to be around girls, but you should try it since girls are just in general a lot more kind and guys are just really callous half the time... as for being sad or lonely I really had the good fortune of skipping past that stage pretty quickly because I tend to be really passionate about the things I love... for example when I grow up I want to be a psychologist and I want to help as many people as I can and whenever I felt sad I would just let that dream fill me up and I would push through... i would suggest you find a dream that you're extremely passionate about and you cling to it and don't let go... so if you didn't bother to read my extremely long boring explanation... ( which I completely understand since I'm prone to rambling) ... 1) try and find a close friend, 2) Vent to girls, 3) be passionate... hope I helped , <3
I read it all, Link72. Thanks for replying, SomenNights and Link72 I am passionate about learning japanese, so that's what I tend to dip my time into. I've also begun watching a series called true blood. It's so fun! I will take your advices to heart, and try drawing that sircle of your suggestion, SomeNights. Have a good day, and take care
