Are there more lesbians out there like me?

channelorange · Jul 15, 2013

I live in Miami, and I feel like me and the love of my life (a girl obviously) are the only normal lesbians. Unfortunately she and I aren't together so that leaves me with zero lesbians that I can relate to. I've been to many lesbian bars and clubs and I just feel like I don't fit in. I'm out to everyone and extremely confident and proud. I don't mean to come off arrogant, but I am good looking and every lesbian bar that I go to they look at me like they want to attack -_-. AM I the only gay person that identifies themselves as a person not a sexuality?

LD579 · Jul 15, 2013

First of all, hello and welcome to EC.

Secondly, what is a 'normal lesbian'?

To answer your last question, many people are just... people. Their sexuality is just another aspect of them. I'd be one of those people. There are many, many more out there.

EDIT: Oh. I'd like to add that people's behaviour changes depending on who they're around. I have a friend who's very catty and sassy around his friends but when it's just 1 on 1, he's more reserved.

Abbra · Jul 15, 2013

You sound like me. I don't really fit in with other lesbians. That being said, I know I'm not the only one. I think it's just the area that I happen to live in.

It's also good to get to know a person before you decide their personality. Some butch/flamboyant looking gays are actually fairly tame once you get talking to them. Likewise, a lot of the "straight" looking ones end up being very aggressive in their sexuality.

channelorange · Jul 15, 2013

Normal lesbian as in just regular people. I just see that in the Miami gay scene everything is over the top. Maybe you should visit one day from Canada, you would understand.

Many people here make their sexuality their life, not just an aspect.

---------- Post added 16th Jul 2013 at 12:12 AM ----------

Abbra said: ↑

You sound like me. I don't really fit in with other lesbians. That being said, I know I'm not the only one. I think it's just the area that I happen to live in.

It's also good to get to know a person before you decide their personality. Some butch/flamboyant looking gays are actually fairly tame once you get talking to them. Likewise, a lot of the "straight" looking ones end up being very aggressive in their sexuality.
Click to expand...

I never judge before I get to know people. I have gotten along with a few lesbians that identify themselves as "butch." Which brings me to the topic of those ridiculous categories. Sigh, this is what I mean by 'normal.' Just a normal person who happens to be gay. Why all of the categories? Me, for example. I love wearing heels, but I'm also an athlete. What category would that place me in?

Glad to know someone out there understands me!

---------- Post added 16th Jul 2013 at 12:18 AM ----------

Luthan said: ↑

First of all, hello and welcome to EC.

Secondly, what is a 'normal lesbian'?

To answer your last question, many people are just... people. Their sexuality is just another aspect of them. I'd be one of those people. There are many, many more out there.

EDIT: Oh. I'd like to add that people's behaviour changes depending on who they're around. I have a friend who's very catty and sassy around his friends but when it's just 1 on 1, he's more reserved.
Click to expand...

those "catty" gays, are definitely not ones I surround myself with. I have two gay male best friends and neither are overly-flamboyant. I do understand that some people are just that way innately, but I don't think it's flattering, those whom feel the need to make it extremely evident that they are gay.

I phrased my first statement incorrectly, as none of us are "normal" and we are all unique. I just meant an environment with gay women who don't act the way these savages in Miami act.

sammy1 · Jul 15, 2013

I hate all the different categories as well...labels r for cans, not people lol

channelorange · Jul 15, 2013

agreed.

Abbra · Jul 15, 2013

I've personally always looked at the "over the top ones" in this sense:

We are all made up of a bunch of words. Whether it's black, butch, gay, old; we are all just an assimilation of words. Calling someone butch isn't any worse than calling someone Asian; it's simply one descriptive term. Labeling happens when you completely align yourself or others with one term rather than looking at the whole picture. That's how you can be an athlete and still be girly. You don't consider your entire being centered around being an athlete, therefore, it isn't a label. It is simple term used to describe your being.

That being said, being athletic is a big part of your life, otherwise, you wouldn't have used it as a descriptor. That's because you are going to focus bigger parts of your identity on the descriptors that affect your life. In many people's case, this is the homosexual lifestyle. Being gay generally has a big effect on people's lives. In my case, and probably yours, it hasn't had a huge effect. Your friends were straight, your family was pretty okay; I'm making assumptions of course, so correct me if I'm wrong. However, some people didn't have the same situation. A lot of homosexuals when dating end up hanging out with more homosexuals as a result. Who people hang out with drastically change who they act like, and since social group's are founded by similarities within the group, the common ground becomes a more prominent descriptor. We must also keep in mind that some gays use extensive pride as a way of fighting against the repression they were forced to endure.

I don't have problems with the gays in my area because they are open, I have problems because a lot of their characters are well... lacking. I wouldn't care if they were super gay (I have friends who sit in the "extreme" category). It's the fact that many of the ones in my town are rude to straight people.

What we have to keep in mind is that every person is going to have a lot of things that defines them, and some traits are going to be bigger than others. Sometimes the best thing we can do is look past the big external part of themselves that people put out (flamboyancy) and try to find to other traits to find their true character.

I'm also very tired, so I'm sorry if this seems judgy/rude/nonsensical. I should probably head off to bed, and I didn't mean any harm by it.

thedreamwatch · Jul 15, 2013

1. You may be judging all the lesbians in the entire city too quickly. You don't know all of them and they don't know you, so saying that you don't fit in with any of them is silly. Surely there are many who feel that same way.

2. Maybe bars aren't the scene you're looking for. There are lots of places to meet potential partners and bars are not always a good one.

srslywtf · Jul 16, 2013

You identify yourself as a person not a sexuality. therefore people like you do the same. therefore theyre all around you, but arent mentioning their sexuality.

If you want to be around lesbians you might have to identify as a lesbian:smilewave
I think thats why people identify themselves in such ways (&&&)

pinklov3ly · Jul 16, 2013

Well, fortunately we are allowed to label ourselves as we see fit. And yes, being gay for me makes up a huge part of my overall identity and there is nothing wrong with that. When I go out, I do not broadcast who I am, unless I'm around people I know well. And most people are shocked when I tell them I'm gay because I don't look gay. And obviously, they're judging me based on stereotypes. It's just crazy how people are already judgmental towards us outside of our community, yet there's judgement within it as well.

And I agree with thedreamwatch, bars aren't really a good place to meet someone to date long term, so perhaps you should try other avenues. There are plenty of gay girls that are girly, you're just looking in the wrong places.

HopeFloats · Jul 16, 2013

The bar scene can be brutal. That's why a lot of stable, "normal" lesbians don't spend a lot of time there. You have to build a group of friends who don't buy into that being the only fun thing to so. A progressive church is a great place to start. Then concerts, going out to dinner as a group, etc.

channelorange · Jul 16, 2013

To answer several posts, I am not looking for a long term relationship lol at all. I just ended one and it's the last thought in my mind. I have no problem being single.

It just wouldn't hurt to have some female friends who are gay. That's what I'd want...

As for the bars, I go to predominantly "straight" bars and feel just fine. I don't feel horrible at lesbians bars but based on the people that I've encountered, I just don't feel comfortable. I agree that not ALL lesbians in my city are the way that I've perceived the majority, but unless you live in Miami, you cannot have an unbiased opinion. Many gays who live here that I have gotten along with have agreed.

I am out and PROUD people. lol I am en extremely confident person and I do embrace my sexuality, however my sexuality is a part of me, not vice versa. And I do see that many people make their sexuality their entire lives.

I do identify myself as a lesbian, I have no problem whatsoever with the word. When I introduce myself to new people, I never hide who I am, nor do I hide my sexuality at work either (even though in Florida homosexuality is NOT a protected class in the workplace).

---------- Post added 16th Jul 2013 at 12:00 PM ----------

Abbra said: ↑

I've personally always looked at the "over the top ones" in this sense:

We are all made up of a bunch of words. Whether it's black, butch, gay, old; we are all just an assimilation of words. Calling someone butch isn't any worse than calling someone Asian; it's simply one descriptive term. Labeling happens when you completely align yourself or others with one term rather than looking at the whole picture. That's how you can be an athlete and still be girly. You don't consider your entire being centered around being an athlete, therefore, it isn't a label. It is simple term used to describe your being.

That being said, being athletic is a big part of your life, otherwise, you wouldn't have used it as a descriptor. That's because you are going to focus bigger parts of your identity on the descriptors that affect your life. In many people's case, this is the homosexual lifestyle. Being gay generally has a big effect on people's lives. In my case, and probably yours, it hasn't had a huge effect. Your friends were straight, your family was pretty okay; I'm making assumptions of course, so correct me if I'm wrong. However, some people didn't have the same situation. A lot of homosexuals when dating end up hanging out with more homosexuals as a result. Who people hang out with drastically change who they act like, and since social group's are founded by similarities within the group, the common ground becomes a more prominent descriptor. We must also keep in mind that some gays use extensive pride as a way of fighting against the repression they were forced to endure.

I don't have problems with the gays in my area because they are open, I have problems because a lot of their characters are well... lacking. I wouldn't care if they were super gay (I have friends who sit in the "extreme" category). It's the fact that many of the ones in my town are rude to straight people.

What we have to keep in mind is that every person is going to have a lot of things that defines them, and some traits are going to be bigger than others. Sometimes the best thing we can do is look past the big external part of themselves that people put out (flamboyancy) and try to find to other traits to find their true character.

I'm also very tired, so I'm sorry if this seems judgy/rude/nonsensical. I should probably head off to bed, and I didn't mean any harm by it.
Click to expand...

As for the labeling, not sure where you come from, but in MIAMI- there are bars for "bears" bars for "twigs" etc. And some of those subcategories don't get along with each other. That's something that conflicts with me because I do not identify myself in that was as a gay person, and I honestly don't understand it. I used the descriptor of being an athlete yet love wearing heels because there's no label that fits who I am. I'm just me. Who happens to be a lesbian. That's the way that I see it.

I've confused many people, even lesbians, because they don't understand how I can be so athletic yet put on some heels and a dress and look "straight."

My point is that many gays fixate on those labels and to me it just divides us more. Why can't we all just be gay. And that's it. I don't see the need for the sub cultures.

I have met lesbians outside of the bar scene. An ex girlfriend of mine introduced me to all of her friends (lesbians of course). They had all slept with each other, is this something you see in your area as well? That also made me really uncomfortable to know that my ex girlfriend probably slept with all of those women lol! and from what "I" have heard and seen, this is common amongst many groups of lesbians.

As for your assumptions, almost correct lol Yes most of my friends are and were straight, however extremely accepting, open minded, and in complete understanding of what gay is. But in my coming out experience , actually before I came out, I befriended 3 gay men who are now very close to me, and the woman I spoke about in my original post whom I fell in love with since high school. As for my family... I didn't come out to my family immediately it took me about a year, I struggled tremendously with my mother. To an extreme. And I was also humiliated in high school, and it sucks even more when you're a well known person in a high school of 4,000 students. Yet I fought through it and here I am gay and proud.

No worries, no offense taken!

---------- Post added 16th Jul 2013 at 12:02 PM ----------

I agree with your statement... I'm an atheist so a progressive church is definitely not an option for me. I guess I'll just have to g with the flow and maybe I'll come across more lesbians that I can identify with

Are there more lesbians out there like me?

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