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Frustrating Communication Gap

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Munyal, Jul 17, 2013.

  1. Munyal

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    So, before I begin, I would like to say my family's Meyers-Briggs types
    I am an ENFJ
    My mother is an ESFJ (almost an ESTJ)
    My dad is an INFP
    My brother is also an INFP
    My sister alternates between ISTJ and ESFJ

    My mother works part time in an urgent care office, and is gone several times a week. Every time she does this, she makes a list of jobs for me and my sister to accomplish (my brother is going to college, so he is not home often). Now, we generally get an equal amount of jobs, but they are significantly different in there difficulty or time to complete. For example, my sister will have to fold two blankets in the living room, while I empty the dishwasher (which is always full). I have tried to explain to my mom that "just because we have to keep the house clean" is not enough reason for me to do these jobs. I told her that I need motivation, so she decided to threaten to stop my computer usage for a week.

    This isn't a new development. My sister (who I do love) is and probably always will be the favorite child of my mother. She knows this, and does try not to take advantage of it. I brought this up to my mother, and she did not deny it, instead deflecting the question with humor. My brother and I would talk about it, but he wouldn't be very proactive with anything, because he is a "rolling with the punches" INFP.

    Every time I try to explain to her what is going on, she tells me not to use personality as an excuse for complaining, and won't let me explain my point of view.

    I am not all blameless in this. I complain about nearly everything that she makes me do, because she doesn't even ask nicely, it is always just "go get some chairs" or "we are going to do this as a family" which is code-language for "I want us to sit together, even if you don't want to."

    My dad is no help, considering he is married to my mother. My brother (being a stronger feeler than I) feels guilty about complaining too much. I just want to know how to make my mom understand me. Not the person she thinks I should be. I can't show her what I do for fun, because she thinks Mass Effect is a violent shoot em' up game, Star Trek anything all looks the same to her, She has never seen a whole Star Wars movie, and she is under the firm impression that the more time I spend on a computer, the less I nice I am. Playing on a computer for me is my meditation zone. That sounds ridiculous, but when I play a computer game, I am incredibly focused and can use that focus for nearly anything.

    I always set timers on my games, so that I am never on for more than 2 and a half hours at a time. After that, I feel incredibly useful and so I clean the house, do homework, and read books. Then, she comes along and break my focus by yelling at me about something I did or how I didn't talk to her for the last three hours, it is like somebody pops a balloon and I just get very annoyed. I tuck it all in, and spend the rest of the day being sullen and generally annoyed with the world.

    Tis was incredibly rantish, sorry. :help:
     
  2. TraceElement

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    Have you talked to your mom about doing a schedule of some sort without times? Like you could do 2-3 tasks, be on computer, eat lunch, do another few tasks, computer, dinner. Not having time limits may help you work on the flow of the day getting the things your mom wants done and getting you the focus you need.
     
  3. Munyal

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    That sounds like a great plan! Thank you!
     
  4. LD579

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    Some of this may be due to age, as well. If your sister, for instance, is younger than you, it may make sense for her to do less chores.

    For what it's worth, some people are just more inclined to do chores, and some are less inclined. I don't mind doing many, if not all, the chores in the house, but if my same-age brother were to do so, he'd get pissed off really badly, perhaps.

    Are you into personality types and theories? I find it interesting that you've apparently managed to deduce your family's types. If I may ask, what is a 'rolling with the punches' INFP? I may be asking just because I'm an INFP as well.

    At any rate, TraceElement had a nice idea =) Perhaps calmly explain to her that you'd prefer it if she didn't raise her voice when she talks to you, as well. I'd be careful to not sound defensive or confrontational when doing so, though, but letting her know that consciously may help. I wish you the best.