I don't know how to say this properly, but I always had a low self-esteem problem and found it hard to integrate socially. I want to hook up (through downloading ****** on my phone mainly as I have almost no other options) but I want to know if there are other safe 'discreet' ways of meeting people for sex. I would be pleased to have a long-term relationship, but it's unlikely to find that special someone unless you search for them. And frankly, I feel very sexual. The real problem is that I haven't come out to my parents, and I don't want my father to find out I downloaded an application like that on my phone before I tell him who I really am. I think he'd be okay about me being gay, but I know he would dissuade me from meeting other men for sex and would come up with all sorts of reasons. ------ So anyway, what sort of advice would you give to someone like me? :help: I'm the sort of person who would be too nervous to post a Facebook picture. I'm also scared that (given that I have a funnel-chest), I might be rejected. Just had to get that off me as well :rolle:
You don't seem immoral. It just kind of seems to me like you're not 100% wanting a hookup. To be honest — and I could be wrong — the fact that you wouldn't put up a picture might make it harder to get hookups. I mean... on such sites, people are just looking for no-strings-attached sex with people they find attractive and convenient. Obviously, without a picture, they can't even see if they're attracted to you and so they might not even give you a chance. About you having a 'funnel chest'... Hookups are more shallow than relationships. In that sense, it'd be more common, I bet, for someone to outright disregard you because of that in terms of a hookup. In a relationship, such things wouldn't be a big deal at all, to say the least. That's just how I see it, though. As an obligatory disclaimer, I have no hookup exp. in the slightest, so... of course, I could be 'wrong'.
I really would give more thought to this. It's just not right, I'm sorry but one night stands are more damaging than they are enjoyable. Emotionally and physically. That's my opinion though :/
The problem with hooking up, IMHO, is the question: what next? Sure, you have a semi-intense experience (the fully intense experience is with someone you love) and then it's over... and then...what? Another hookup? That gets old, pretty fast (been there, not proud to say I've done that...)
Ok, here are my disorganized thoughts... Seriously, these apps mess with people's good judgment and sense of privacy. Someone categorically afraid to post his face pic, even privately, but somehow being OK with giving his real phone number? And then sending an "Anytrhing I forgot on this grocery shopping list?" text clearly meant for some relative to his hookups? (I just hope that whatever ended in place of the grocery list on the intended recepient's phone wasn't too embarrassing.) Yes, saw that. Again, someone too shy to post his face, but not to shy to give away enough info in the profile to be trivially Googlable? Happens all the time. Not to mention that since most of these apps are supported by ads, there is some marketing company somewhere which knows for a fact that owner of this phone is interested in gay hook-ups. I'm not trying to scare you... If you know what you want and what you're doing these apps can be fun. But many people have a wrong idea about both of those things. These apps on their own are pretty much the opposite of a "discreet and safe" way to find a hook-up. And they're a terrible intro to the whole gay dating thing, yes, people have found long-term BFs through them and whatnot, but they did this despite, not because. Anyway, there's tons of info on the internet on online dating/hookups privacy and safety, and I really recommend you to read at least some of it if you decide to try a hook-up app. And even if you do all that, you really can't have hide a fact you're doing hook-ups indefinitely, and from your family, you can't even hide it for long. If you're not comfortable with a chance of being outed, you shouldn't really use them. Otherwise... Well, seriously, if somehow magically there was a "straight" version of such an app that could really work the same way, do you think straight guys would've been ashamed to use it? Here's your answer to all the "moral objections" to those apps. If screwing around is mostly OK when you're male and straight, I don't see why everyone else should be slut-shamed, with usual caveats about faithfulness and safety.
I would probably include a picture on the site, I just added that FB part to indicate that I am not exactly social which would be a big drawback. About the hooking-up, I know that something like that would probably brand me a nickname like 'The Cock Monster' or something, but I can't think of any other ways to find the person I want to be with other than through something like that. I personally know very few openly gay people and I'm just worried they'd reject me. I had sex once when I was twelve, so that probably made me very irritable since ten years after that, it was still the only sex I have ever had.
I've done hookups a time or three. My first and second experiences with guys were both hookups to such a degree that I never bothered learning the first guys name (and we hooked up several times over the course of some weeks) and the second guy probably gave me a fake name and I didn't care. I had fun both times (and some other times with other guys later) and have no regrets about it (ok, one regret, the second guy apparently hosted sex parties and I probably could have gotten an invite. But I didn't have the self-confidence back then to want to try that sort of thing. Oh well). That said, I would suggest that if you are going to consider hooking up as you describe, then it requires a certain mindset. Basically you are just looking for someone to help you get sexual pleasure and vice versa. Essentially, you are using each other as living masturbation aids to engage in activities you can't pull off (or pull off as easily) solo (no pun intended). Given what you've already posted here regarding your self-esteem and a less than positive nickname and such, I have some concerns that you might find hookups uncomfortable or problematical or come to regret them after the fact. For that matter, given that you are making these statements now and posting them here, I would wonder if some part of you is feeling some doubts or uncertainty and kind of hoping folks here will talk you out of it. If something like that is the case, then I would suggest that you reconsider or wait until you are in a better mental space before setting out to do hookups. My 2c worth, Todd
Honestly, coming out solves a lot of that. You want to be on the dating market but you can't tell anyone you're available (unless you're painfully obviously stereotypically flamboyantly gay) because nobody knows you're gay. You can't network with other LGBT people that way because it'll seem "odd" why you're so interested in them if you're "straight" (read: closeted). If you're looking for something meaningful, the odds of you finding it through a hookup are very slim, and you seem to know that.
As a disclaimer, I have no experience with hookups and probably never will. However, Todd I think hits the nail on the head (no pun) and being as young as you are, there are certainly better ways to get out and give yourself a decent chance to meet people you feel comfortable with emotionally and sexually. I don't know where you live, but you can probably find places where young gay people meet for social activities etc. Cities for sure have those, but even smaller towns are more into this as we move further into the 21th century. You have a (hopefully) long live ahead of you with probably many wonderful and passionate relationships. Don't ruin your experience by looking for an easy fix for your current hormonal swings. Sex without love is just that. A hand job in the right setting and mood might do the same trick without the risks until a deeper and more sincere relationship allows for more. And if all fails (not likely), the hookups will still be there. Good luck and be confident!
