so i've been feeling like crap lately, i've had problems with depression my whole life, but it's been a lot worse lately. i have no energy, and i have no motivation to do anything. i feel like crap, and i just sit around all day, because i just don't want to do anything. i started feeling like this about 8 months ago, which is when i realized i was gay. i think just not talking about it, and just keeping it to myself is making me depressed. i know what i should do is come out to more people, but i don't feel comfortable coming out to anybody who is a close friend or family. i'm afraid that my dad will never look at me the same, and i will always be a disappointment. i don't want that to happen, but at the same time, the longer i go without coming out, the more i'm hurting myself. i just don't know what to do.
I'd say you're right - both because it makes sense on its own, and because you already suspect that this is the case. The first thing I would suggest is to find other people to come out to - maybe even friends that you can make in the first place as a gay guy. If my assumption about your location, based on your description, is accurate, there must be some sort of local lgbt group to join, a community center to go to (or even to sign up with on an email listing), or even just an lgbt section in a local bookstore to hang around and wait to see if anyone else browses (no joke, I've run into people this way before). That aside, the depression may be its own issue at this point, and you may want to come at it bit by bit. Don't be too hard on yourself for the moment - if all you can manage to do in a day is get out of bed, get dressed, and go to the store to get some food, then great - sometimes that's a lot to ask. Try to set yourself some personal goals for each day, and make them as small as you need to. Assuming it's not serious enough that you need to talk to a counselor, the more baby steps you can take, the better you may feel, in time.
Find something you find comfort in, a lot of the time depression comes from great stress or dissapointment, find something that you can vent all that sadness out, for example, music, reading. Listen to songs that describe the situation you are in or what you want to be, I find music a great for finding comfort whenever I feel down.
thanks for the advice. i would join something, but it could be hard, being i'm only 15. i don't think my school has a GSA. i have some gay relatives that i guess i could talk to, but i'm not very close with them, so it might be a bit awkward. another thing that got my attention is that since this depression started, i've lost almost 20 lbs from not eating (when i get depressed i don't eat). this is actually starting to bother me. i'm not dangerously thin or anything, but people have commented that i've lost weight (i wasn't overweight to begin with, so the weight loss isn't healthy whatsoever). i try to eat, but i feel sick to the point where i feel i will vomit if i eat a full meal. it's really starting to bother me, because i really can't lose any more weight, so i feel like i have to do something fast. when school starts again, i will come out to more people. i have a lot of friends who i haven't seen this summer that i know will be accepting. (i don't have to worry about bullying too much, because New York schools are pretty liberal, and if anybody even makes one negative comment, they will be in a shitload of trouble). as for now, i will try to hang around the people i came out to as much as possible, but they all work, so they aren't around much. you mentioned a therapist, which i have thought about. the problem is, that i would have to ask my parents to schedule it and drive me, and they will ask why i need to go, and i don't really know what i would say to them. i actually think that would be my best option, but i don't think it's really a possibility as of now. ---------- Post added 20th Jul 2013 at 04:44 PM ---------- i have found something to take my mind off things. i've been playing guitar almost all day, every day, to the point where the skin is ripping off. it gets my mind off of things, and it makes me feel good, so i just keep playing. i also have fell into a habit of excessive masturbation. i do it whenever i have the privacy. it really hasn't been to much of a problem though.
Relatives sound great, if you think you can manage to get in touch with them. It might be awkward at first, but sometimes, just by virtue of already being part of you and your family, they can be great to talk to. And yes, definitely hang out with people you're already out to who are supportive, even if they're not around all that often. If you feel like you need to, let them know you're having a rough day/week/etc. and see if they'd be willing to spend some time with you. It's okay if your school doesn't have a GSA - there's a PFLAG chapter on the island there, and you might check them out. Even if you can't go there regularly, just joining their email list might give you an event here and there you could go to. Don't know if they have any volunteer and free support services available, but that's also something PFLAG occasionally does, if I remember correctly. And they have a support line available 24/7 too. Could be a good site to check out. As far as eating, if you feel sick and like you can't keep it down, then obviously don't try to force yourself, because it won't do any good. But even something small, like saltine crackers and a clear soda (sprite or something like it), or some soup if you're feeling adventurous, would probably help keep your system on schedule. Hang in there!
Just tell them it's for depression. That will put your weight loss in context and it's a good reason for therapy. You should also see if there's resources that are specifically for gay youth. If there's no GSA, you could start one. Keep in mind though, depression can be from other factors too and won't necessarily go away completely the moment you are out to everyone. But not having that secret will definitely be a relief.
thanks for the advice. the place where PFLAG meets is literally one town over (like a 15 minute drive). i probably won't go though, just because it seems like it would be uncomfortable (i have some sort of social anxiety, and i also don't do well with people i don't know, so that just doesn't sound like something i am willing to go to.) but still, thanks for the suggestion. all i could eat today was toast and an egg. it's 7 PM now, and i'm still not hungry. i forced myself to drink a bottle and a half of sprite, just to have something else in me. eating really goes day by day, some days i can eat normally, but the days i don't feel good are when i can barely eat anything. i think my best bet is just to wait until school starts. i can come out to other people there, and have more support for when i'm ready to come out to my parents. just thinking about coming out to my parents literally makes me feel sick. it actually terrifies me when i think that i will have to do it some day.
I think therapy is a good idea. You don't have to tell your parents why. Be vague and say it's for depression. Most people don't know why they're depressed so you don't have to explain it. Just say "I don't know" if they ask why you're depressed. You might have the option of seeing a therapist at your school. Most schools have therapists/counselors who you can talk to and your parents don't even have to know. It's all confidential. I saw one at my high school for a little while and it was helpful. They also excuse you from class so you have time to talk to them.
