should i go to a gay bar?

If you want to, I don't see why not. It's been a while since I've gone to the bars, but I doubt they've changed all that much. Some thoughts below, YMMV.

Bear in mind that different bars had different vibes or atmospheres. Some are very much dance clubs, some are going to look a lot more like just a bar where people sit and drink and talk. Some may have dart boards or pool tables, others won't. Some may look like a sports bar, others won't. Etc.

Some bars have a fairly specific clientele they are aiming to serve (such as bear leather daddies), others are happy to see anyone who is willing to spend money there and be cool to the other patrons.

If you don't care for the vibe at a given bar, consider checking out some other ones to see if a different one is more to your taste. For that matter, having a good idea of what sort of place you are looking for (while being open to checking out others) is not a bad idea. Also, these days a lot of bars have their own websites you could look into.

Some things to keep in mind (again bearing in mind that different bars are different so you should take each place on its individual merits and take your cues from how the other patrons are behaving or reacting to other people's behavior):

a) In a gay bar, same sex PDAs are considered perfectly normal.

b) Behaviors and dance moves that would probably get people pulled from the dance floor or ejected from a straight bar won't even raise an eyebrow in a gay bar.

c) Shirts are often optional, especially on the dance floor. If you are going to dance shirtless, please have the body to pull it off. Or at least the self-confidence to pull it off.

d) Guys wearing jeans and/or leather harnesses/armbands/other leather stuff with a tank top/no shirt are advertising a specific interest. Or maybe dressing up for fun if it's around Halloween

e) Don't be surprised if you see some straight couples there. Or at least straight women hanging out with their gay friends. My favorite bars were always the ones with a mixed crowd of people just wanting to dance and have fun.

f) If you get hit on and aren't interested, be polite when turning a guy down. Freaking out or being rude will not win you any friends. People in the bars often know each other and if you get a reputation as a jerk everyone will soon know. This can work against you if/when you go back and see someone you are interested in. Conversely, if you get a reputation as a polite/nice guy, it can either get others to talk you up or get them to warn you off from someone who won't be good for you (or warn them off if they are being a jerk toward you).

g) Be polite just on general principles. That almost always pays dividends.

h) Mind your drink, you don't know what someone might put in it.

i) No one can 'insist' that you do anything and make you do it just by the act of insisting. Don't let anyone (here or in the real world) tell you otherwise.

j) Consider bringing a condom or three on the chance that you get hit on and are interested. Always play safe and use common sense, even when very horny.

k) Have fun

Hope this helps,

Todd

 

That was great! I would have said many of the same things. We're pretty near the same age, so I'm imagining we've been around the same block a time or two! :smilewave

 

No worries, you'll get there eventually

Depending on the time, it could be that the bar hadn't really gotten going yet. The later local laws let bars stay open, the later they often seem to really start to fill up and get busy.

It's also possible that the bar you went to was suffering from a something I forgot to mention in my earlier post (sorry!). When I was going to the bars there was this phenomenon where a particular bar would be THE place to go. Everyone went there, the place would be packed every Fri and Sat night for weeks or months. Then, for no apparent reason, more and more people would start going to a different bar which would become THE place for a while, leaving the first bar with just a small core of regulars and the occasional people checking it out (and often not staying long). Eventually people would start coming back again or move on around the circuit of however many bars were in town until the first bar became THE place again and the process would repeat.

Sounds like you also discovered why people often go to bars in groups. With a bunch of friends there's always someone to talk to. I realize that not being out makes that harder, but you won't be in the closet forever.

As I understand it, Asheville has a pretty active gay culture all around. You might look into any local Meetup groups or if there is a community center. This could help you to develop friends and associates who you are out to and who you might eventually go to the bars with (if you want to, not everyone is into bars).

Finally, just remember that if you see anyone you know at a gay bar before you come out...they are presumably there for the same reason you are. Don't freak out and just say 'hi'. They are likely to be just as nervous as you at the situation. And they may turn out to be someone to talk to, either at the bar or just in general.

Todd:smilewave

---------- Post added 20th Jul 2013 at 08:36 AM ----------

Thanks! Agreed on the around the block thing

That's a fun way to think about it, actually.

Nice to meet ya

Todd

 

Why not? Gay bars are no different than "straight" bars - the only difference is, there'll be mostly gay men/women at it