I don't know where to begin with this post. I've known I was gay for a few years now, but I feel like an emotionally closed-off misanthropist. I have roommates who would be accepting, but I'm fighting myself so much. Being in the closet for so long, in addition to heavy drug use, has changed who I am and I feel like there's almost no point of return. I'm angry at society, people (I don't enjoy hanging out with anyone if I'm sober), and especially myself. I just hate myself so much, not for being gay, but for not being able to come out, despite the fact that most would accept me. Because I was in denial i got bullied a lot and didn't really realize why people were bullying me until now, and it hurts, a lot. My parents got a divorce because they faked their marriage (dad is probably gay, mom was in it for the image/money? i honestly don't know what either of them were thinking). The denial I was in throughout high school led to lots of isolation, messed up friendships that revolved only around smoking and drinking, etc. This internal battle is simply too much and it keeps escalating into more and more anger. Never once have I felt like I was "grieving." The anger just keeps getting worse. I can't even talk to people anymore without getting irritated. I don't now. Everyone else around me is accepting themselves and I can't. I just don't know what to make of my crazy life. I'm 22, friendless, a virgin, and in general just a miserable piece of sh*t. Life is too stressful for me to come out and to not come out. I've got so much on my plate right now trying to get into graduate school and working. It's like i know what i have to do (come out) but I don't know why I can't. And it's absolutely killing me. I'm on antidepressants and antipsychotics (lots of mental illness in my family) yet I still feel suicidal and can't sleep at night. I just hate myself and feel so ashamed about it. what the hell is wrong with me.
Well, I dont know that much, but if you wrote a note to a roommate saying im gay, that might relieve some stress. But seeing as it will be hard for you, perhaps just write it and leave it so they would find it. Explain you couldn't tell them face to face, why you coming out like this and how depressed you feel. Maybe this could relieve you a bit? Good luck Anyways, hang in there
I'm so sorry you are hurting. Life is stressful, I understand that. I was bullied in school too and it does hurt. And accepting your sexuality while living in a world that is generally not accepting isn't easy, even if you know your roommates will be accepting. I can tell you two things that are helping me. The first is seeing a therapist and the second is coming to this website and reading others peoples stories. Look for a therapist that deals with gay issues. Maybe find a gay therapist. You need someone to talk to who can guide you through your feelings. And keep coming to EC. We are here to support each other.
This seems to be a problem for a lot of young gay guys who've been in the closet too long, but it sounds like you're dealing with a lot all at once. Especially with the bullying, it can really seem like the world is dead set against us. Clearly you see that you have to come out, which carries a dreaded sense of finality. Once you tell someone, that's it, they know. Don't be so hard on yourself either. It's something that takes a lot of courage. You might feel vulnerable at first to let someone in like that, but you'll find that it gets easier. Telling people who you know will react well, like your roommates, is a good place to start. Try to put all the other stress out of your head (it can wait) and either pick a moment to tell them or write it to them. Only when you find acceptance will it really hit you that, whatever happened in the past, most of society is in fact not our enemy and the anger should start to fade away.
Well, here I am in a cafe on a wonderful summer day in the English countryside. Reading EC on my iPhone and being served by a lovely and very camp/ obviously gay waiter. It's very appropriate to your post because I am very straight acting and still have problems with outing myself ... Even though I live in one of the most gay friendly countries, I have been working on this for some time ( a bit older than you) and we live in modern times ... and yet .... But still I feel tied and suffocated and not moving forward. My therapist says my depression is caused by anger. But I just don't know... I should have made moves earlier in my life ... About your age. I think you are well positioned to make positive lasting changes ... I think what I am saying is push yourself to flip some changes in your life because the longer you leave it the harder it gets. This waiter is so cute I will have to give him a nice big ... tip!
