I've always been attracted to guys, since I was very little. I've also been raised to believe that it's very wrong (not by my family, but by peers). I'm tired of feeling this way, and having this constant battle with myself, even after trying to accept it for almost a year now. I also have bipolar disorder, and i'm a very paranoid person. I get little thoughts about the whole thing, and weird, coincidental events occur while i'm trying to talk to my friend about my feelings towards him (weird paranormal-esque shit, it would take too long, and no one would take it seriously). I have a small hint of heterosexuality in me, which reinforces the "It's a sign from "The Big Guy" thing in my mind that i'm not who I think I am, which fucks with me worse. It bothers me to no end that I can't get over this, and why all these little paranoid thoughts and coincidental things that happen to me, that make me think about it a lot more. I just want to let my mind rest for once, and to make matters worse i'm in the middle of heartache and unrequited love problems w/ my friend, Eddy. Sometimes, I don't want to be like this. I'm always broke, I have no job, no car, no life, my friends treat me differently since I've came out. I'm ready to put a .45 in my mouth. Please tell me what the fuck all these different things mean? How do I know what's right?? I'm not a christian, and I don't believe the bible, but it's very strange, these things that happen to me. I"m frantic, please help me!
My best friend was torn away from me when I was 10 by his mother because we were gay for each other. Evey love interest i've had since then, i've unintentionally chased away. I feel like there's something really wrong with me... i'm pissed off, scared, and hurting constantly. There's a lot more, but it's too much and it would get out of hand: Please help
you have to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else. you seem miserable because you can't find someone to be with, but that's a bad way to go about fixing things. you should start off by looking for a job, save money, buy a car and slowly put your life back together. if your friends are unaccepting - you don't need them. you'll meet new friends at your job and having money means that you can afford to go out to bars or clubs or wherever you're comfortable and be social. you'll make new friends. once you do this and you've made yourself happy in every aspect other than romantically THEN search for a relationship. of course, all of this is easier said than done but it's something that has to be done. sitting around and over-thinking in your own self pity is really the worst possible thing that you can do at this point..... and about putting the .45 in your mouth, don't be silly. quitters never win. you only live once. it'll take time and effort but you'll be happy in the long run. happiness isn't effortless, you know?
Please don't hurt yourself! If you feel like you are about to do something you can't undo, call 911 right away. If you're just thinking about harming yourself, why not place a call to a hotline? That's what they're there for. Doesn't hurt to try, no? To deal with the other, deeper, psychological and life issues you mention, would it be possible to speak to a counselor and/social worker? You need and deserve help, and I hope that you'll be able to get it. In the meantime, try to tske small steps that will make you feel better about yourself, and remember that things don't stay had forever, no matter how awful they may be right now. Good luck! *hugs*
I should go back to therapy, yes, you're right. I don't like the SSRI/ MAOI/ Depression meds they want me to take soooooo badly, "that help soooo many people"; make me feel physically ill, or make the symptoms worse. v_v i've had most of them before, but I guess I should just freakin' try every single one of them. I don't think I would actually hurt myself. I've been trying to stay away from that mentallity lately, but sometimes I just really want to go away. I don't like feeling bad all the time, but I don't think I could do that to my family/ friends. They'd never forgive me. *hugs* thanks you guys. <3
i think it is very common for people to be 'trained' by peers to feel wrong about themselves. Just from passing remarks. Its very subtle messaging and it goes to the core. Sounds likely to be internalised homophobia... it pushes some people in to complete denial or just very conflicted and depressed. The "battle" you refer to is all too familiar to me ... how do you re-write the software you've had installed in your head. I hope you can take some action, whether through therapy or medication to help yourself make progress. If you can begin to sort out these base conflicts I am sure it will help with your stress and the bipolar too. (*hug*)
I remember when I was 10: I told my friend I loved him one day, and literally in that very moment she caught us together, and needless to say she was Pissed-Off. He was persistently grounded after that point and she wouldn't let me come over for the 2 weeks they still lived next door to me (his mom spur of the moment decided they were moving_). Then the day they left to move into their new home she dragged him off by the hand. He waved at me; she yelled at him for it and told him not to say goodbye to me, Slammed the car door; never saw him again. It makes me nauseous thinking back on it. After that day I started getting really violent, more towards inanimate objects and myself rather than other people, because I was too scared of the other kids that picked on me; they would have whooped my ass, at the time. Sorry for the disjointed posts. I'm just letting it flow and it's a sloppy mess. :\ and sorry for the foul language... I'm finished rambling. I really needed to tell Some one about that little tid-bit. ---------- Post added 24th Jul 2013 at 03:04 PM ---------- If there is a god, he's a real piece of work, maaaaan. ---------- Post added 24th Jul 2013 at 03:17 PM ---------- and thank you all so much for listening. It's been messing with me really hard, and i'm starting to feel better about it.
.. you see.. just that event alone, that reaction, will have sent very strong messages to a 10 year old. You have make allowances and be understanding of your own history
I just re-read your post and it registered to me that you're dealing with bipolar disorder (i'm assuming you have an official diagnosis). Please go to your doctor again and again and again about finding the right combination of meds, one that minimizes the side effects as much as possible. Bipolar is pernicious and has a high death rate when not medicated (not trying to scare you, just giving you the facts). Medication is almost always the best bet at living a normal life, .despite the side effects. </psych student rant>
@Apostrophied: I like to self-medicate with marijuana, but it's very costly and it's illegal, and it's not always available. I hate that the synthetic medications make me feel jolted, grit my teeth and make my head hurt. Pot just makes me thirsty/ hungry, lol. So which of the two evils is better for me; I don't know. If I have to get on meds the rest of my life, then I guess yeah, that's it then. Be a cripple my whole life, live on social security and be a loser. That's how I feel now about myself, and it didn't really change when I was on the meds. Nothing changed when I was off them, either. I need a job very badly; nobody will give me a chance at it, since everyone in town knows who I am, and they don't like me very much. I'm known for violence, so they boot me out the door without a second thought, and they tell ALL of their friends and relatives about me, even though i've never hurt a soul. I feel like I might be completely screwed in this town.
I get why you don't want to take meds, but self-medicating is a slippery, slippery slope which you should avoid at all costs. I feel for you, as this is clearly a difficult situation. But I can't help but be very concerned by the idea of self-medicating with an illegal substance which has the potential of throwing you in jail and ruining the rest of your life... :S For how long have you tried meds? How many different combinations and dosages have you tried? Do you have a support system encouraging you to stay on the meds? Bipolar is hard to treat, yes, but I don't think you should give up just yet. A lot of people have been able to live successfully and productively with bipolar once they found the correct medication combination (and adjusted it as needed). You're young, don't give up just yet. You're not a loser, you've just been dealt a shitty set of cards. But you're not the only one, and your situation is maybe not as hopeless and you feel it is, don't you think? Once you get yourself to a point where you're more stable, maybe you could think of moving to a place where your previous mental issues won't get in between you and a job? Can you call your doctor or psychiatrist to schedule an appointment ASAP?
I'm glad you're caring; thank you. I don't want to wind up in jail, either, that's for sure... I've been taking meds since I was about 15. Some work better than others, in combination, and in time I'll be able to get out of here. Try to start again. <3
