I never thought I would come to this point in life and be this confused. I should start from the beginning,*at age 16 I had my first "gay" experience.*Nothing to hard core, simply a kiss-*oh and possibly touching and grabbing...*But clothes stood on...* During the "experiment" I never felt bad or disgusted.* BUT, once he left I just felt guilt and the regret of it all just built up. To me it was wrong to have sexual desires for the same sex as being that I am a Christian, still am. but, then my older brother came out, psssh it was a relieved to know that one of my own brothers were probably going through the same things like me, um I was wrong he became a man whore!!! I did not want that for myself. So in my head I thought all gays were like that, no offense... Well, I stuck to women and I had 6 sexual encounters with 6 different beautiful women. But each relationship I got over it within a month or so and broke it off early on. That always led meto call my experiment partner again. Things got more sexual between us and at that time I had to probably been like 18. (No cherry popping) just oral and kisses happen. He too was in the closet so experimenting was new to both of us and if it felt painful we just skip that part and cuddle or take showers (that was our thing, clean bodies!!!), well I knew I *had begun having feelings for him so we dated (secretly). Since he was too unsure and still in the closet, he left me. After that I was obsessed with him so I dated women again to get over him (bad idea) which I did but always somehow met up with him to have a fling. It’s insane, when were together-- alone it’s the best time for us and we could be, the real us! but when were out in public we seems like two straight guys but I knew what we were doing in doors and it was weird for me so I ended our friendship for good to not be tempted into anything that would lead to guilt I had to been 21 atleast...**Now here is where it gets complicated, after that I was single for a while. I needed to find out what I wanted and who I was. I met this wonderful lady who I’ve known for four years prior to dating her. We rushed into things quickly, I now believe I rushed things to get over my true feelings and with that a year later at age 22-23 she became pregnant! I was happy but also still confused; I guess it helped that she was really cute. During the pregnancy I asked her to marry me, I thought it was the right decision at the time. I figure having a kid is a commitment might as well make the relationship a commitment. After that, “buddy” emailed me, messaged me on Facebook I’m sure he was jealous that I was having a baby and was planning on getting married. I MET UP WITH HIM while my pregnant fiancé was home asleep- I originally wanted to meet up with him to tell him to move on and that we were kids I mean at that point it had already been 7-8 yearssecretly hooking up with him, it needed to stop. Somehow we ended up….., after that guilt took over my life. I accused my then fiancé of cheating while she was pregnant, I denied my son (I was a dick) but I felt guilt and nasty from what I’ve done. Well we had our son in April 2012 and two months later we ended it. I love my son unconditionally and am blessed to be his father- that said I don’t know if I should continue to lie about my true feelings for his sake?*Now I bet your thinking “oh, well come out and be with the guy you’ve been seeing since you were 16!” It’s not that simple. Needless to say, we still talk- he was actually over last night (swear, we didn’t do anything but TALK) but things are just as much as complicated as it has ever been. I am 24 turning 25 this weekend and he is 23. He owns his own business (I know) and I obtain a Bachelor in Finance and have a great job- were both successful young adults but he is also having a boy this October with his Girlfriend. Like I said, he was over last night and was telling me how much he loves me and how he wished we could be together *but um now it’s going to be 9 years of having these feeling for him that seem to be impossible now to explore since he having a newborn and my son is 15 months old? I know what society wants me to be, but I also know what I am. Now I’m here thinking should I now be with a women for my son sake, do I really wantto hurt another women? I am beyond confused and I wished I could rewire my thinking process, if this was a choice- I would pick the easy way.* Has anyone gone through something like this? Could anyone give me advice, do I ruin his chance of having a family or just ignore him and let us both move on?
Personally, I believe that the best thing to do would be at the least not to get into a relationship with another woman. Getting into a relationship with a woman would be the wrong thing to do at this point because it will make an already complicated situation worse. The best thing you can do for your son is to avoid putting him through a doomed attempt at a sham relationship with a woman. I would also avoid getting into a relationship with another man who is in a relationship right now as that would most likely make things worse for everyone. That is all the advice I can offer you. Hopefully someone else can give you a response in regards to the more complicated do's and don'ts and how to best resolve this issue. I know that there are plenty of people on EC who are very good at this stuff.
