Since coming out, and having my first fling since 2006 with a wonderful guy from out of state, the majority of what I see among the gay community is contrived and sex-centric--hinging mostly entirely in fact on sex--and this has me really sad. I want, first and foremost, someone I can talk to about anything, to sleep and cuddle with, to support and enjoy life with, sex is a bonus. Yet all I see are guys who expect sex on the first date, or only consider a relationship as a secondary thing. I just don't feel comfortable with that, I love sex, but should that be the immediate condition of a relationship? Why and how should I be expected to not be anxious/nervous about that? I want to know you first, I want to hang out, where things lead is just where things lead. I'm really disillusioned. I was ecstatically happy for the first few weeks after coming out, now I understand why my Mother said she was sad about the hardships I'd face, whether that is what she meant or not. I'm Bi, but after experimenting with a woman last month I'm pretty sure I am most comfortable being emotionally intimate with guys in addition to the physical aspect I've always known. Now after feeling so liberated and happy being queer I discover a worse reality: I was probably better off being closeted, unsure, and alone than openly queer and knowing how hard it'd be to not be alone. Where does an introvert meet guys who are open to romance first? Even were I an extrovert a gay bar is no place to find that. Thanks for any comments, this has been gnawing away at me for a few days and I want any advice EC might have.
My main advice would be to change your surrounding and the people that you are observing. If what you are looking for is a relantionship that is not sex-based I would highly advice in getting LGBT friends before even worrying about a boyfriend. Meet people you enjoy hanging out with, talk to them, use them as your support network and keep enjoying their company. After that then its easier as an introvert to go clubs or any type of LGBT activity where you can meet other guys, but you won't have the pressure of going alone.
Hi there! One thing to consider, is how are you going about in finding a boyfriend? I would encourage you, and like TheEdend mentioned, join LGBT social and/or support groups. Yes, it might be a bit hard at first for an introvert to open up, and to begin embracing the external world, but if you try it in small steps that could help. I wouldn't add 'negative' feelings to it by for example thinking about "it was better if I was in the closet" because going in with feeling that, you might be setting up yourself for failure already, and added frustration.
Very sound advice, how would you suggest meeting such a group? ---------- Post added 24th Jul 2013 at 10:20 PM ---------- Oh indeed, I'm not trying to be melodramatic, just how I was/am feeling at the moment, I won't wake up that way. So should I just start looking for LGBT (support?) groups in the Seattle area? I have one friend who's expressed some interest in going, but being so busy with work I haven't been able to yet.
Depends on what exactly you are looking for. Your options are usually advocacy, support or social. When it comes to social then you can choose, depending on how big your city is, whether you want a book club, party scene, board games or sports kind of thing. After you have an idea of what you are looking for then the trick is to find someone involved enough in your community that can be able to point you towards resources that can help you out. You will find these people by contacting pretty much any LGBT group and asking them for some guidance. I can almost guarantee you that they will try and help out find something close to what you want or even help you in creating the space that you are looking for. Here are some socials around Seattle that you might enjoy. I just did a quick google search so I didn't look too much into each meeting. This is also an option for you. They seemed to be a center hob for advocates in the community, so thats probably where you can find someone who knows whats available for you. Give them a call or an email and hopefully they can help you out. If that fails then to google you go! Edit: Oh, and check your local universities. They will most certainly have some resources for the community and they will not turn you around simply because you either not longer attend or you don't go there.
As TheEdend said, it depends on what you are looking for. I would suggest as well that you start looking into different groups, and see what fits. If a friend would like to join in with you, I'd definitely invite the friend as well - it might making joining a group easier.
Thanks for the links TheEdend, I'll do some more Google searching myself and ask my friend. Yeah, I'm guessing this is definitely my best bet, dating sites and such I've discovered to be a joke, so the more natural approach is no doubt the best. Breaking the ice by being in a group might well work, I just wonder what the setting is like, groups aren't inherently enticing.
I think it will really depend on the kinds of group(s) you are interested in joining. LGBT support groups usually meet in a designated safe space, which can be either at a LGBT resource centre or at the college/university, and tend to be more 'structured' in their meetings. You might have a round of introductions and announcements, sharing coming out experiences, as well as activities that were planned ahead of time. Some groups will also have social activities which could include, card and board games, and movie nights. LGBT social groups tend to meet more in public places. Some might have a designated coffee shop where they meet once a week or so or perhaps even the movies. I guess it comes down to what are you comfortable with at this point? Going by what you have mentioned so far, maybe starting out by going to a group that is more structured might be a good start.
