I am here posting as an outlet for my insecurities. I am out, queer, and extremely happy with my orientation. It took me a long time to be comfortable saying that but I recently came to a new speed bump along my freeway of sexuality. I have come to the conclusion that my gender is far from pink, and I am somewhere in the lilac, deep purple, denim, navy, baby blue, grey, or even white color spectrum. I started dressing masculine, and being extremely open with gender when living with my parents, and it was a shock- actually, the end of the world. Coming out to my family was WWIII. It completely scarred me and made me horrified to ever love myself. They eventually came around and accepted me for whatever the hell I was; short hair, unshaved legs, etc. I moved out (a different state) about a year ago and was stoked to finally be able to continue transitioning, or well, exploring further into the deep pool of the transgender life. I met an amazing girl, who loves me unconditionally, and I started taking natural hormones. It was extremely thrilling and I was extremely happy. But recently, about 6 months ago, I took a dive and landed in the wrong sea of emotions. I became depressed (again, diagnosed when I was 14, but hadn't felt in years) and started absolutely hating myself. Nothing I can do with my appearance helps, I don't even care to look in the mirror anymore. I absolutely am sick in my skin. I thought transitioning was what I needed to love myself, and it was, it was, don't get me wrong. I am still very happy with how far I have come but what.. in the.. world.. happened to me? My relationship is taking a huge downward spiral, my girlfriend is getting annoyed with my constant sadness, and I am losing grip on reality. I am not worth anything. I don't know what to think anymore. I try so hard to be a good boyfriend, a good person, a good son, and someone to be proud of but nothing matters to anyone! I am constantly fucking up, I am not confident in my appearance, I wish I was just born different. I want to restart my self, my life. It has gotten to the point where if I don't change soon, within weeks, I will loose the love of my life, have no where to live, probably move back home, and be more confused than ever before. Why can't I be proud of who I am? Why can't I just let the little things go and be happy with my life? I live in a beautiful two bedroom town home full of animals and cute decor, I am able to do whatever I want and be who I want... So why don't I? /rant
