1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Just a rant but need some advice please

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by danbyization171, Jul 27, 2013.

  1. danbyization171

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2013
    Messages:
    60
    Likes Received:
    0
    Ok well to start i have posted on here before but only with discussing this stuff separately but now i want to put it all together.

    I am 18 years old my dad is seriously ill with mental stuff because of his bad childhood and his experiences in the Army because of this my parents no longer live together and so weekdays i am at my mums because of work and most weekends me n my bros go up to dads.

    Last weekend at dads was alright but when it came to the evenings on friday and saturday night i just couldn't sleep it took unitil 2,3 in the morning to get to sleep both nights and come sunday morning i was practically dead on my feet luckily my parents put it down to being tired from work and because of the hot weather we have had recently. Now as to why i couldn't get to sleep i just had too much running through my head i guess with me worrying bout who i am, whether i am gay or not, my dad and his illness, work (just finished my first month), my mum and everything else.

    I guess i kind of know deep down that i am gay and that its never gonna change but i just can't bring myself to admit it and say i am gay instead i tell myself that i am questioning and thats what i told my mum and my middle bro.

    But now that it is the weekend again and its saturday and atm i am still at my mums house going up to dads tomoz to pick bros up and spend time with dad. Anyways i think my mum is starting to sense that something is bothering me i mean i didnt eat all my lunch and my tea and she asked me earlier if anything was up and i said no but later she asked again and i said nothing and then she said ok well you just dont seem your normal self and then she said remember you dont have to worry about anything ok if something's up then just tell me" or she said something along those lines.

    But i dont her to have to worry about me and if i tell her thats what she will do and she already has it hard enough with dad being how he is so she does all the shopping and bank and bills stuff for dad because he cant with how he is. And she already knows i find it difficult with dad but i think she knows that its more than just bothering me atm.
     
  2. bingostring

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2008
    Messages:
    2,083
    Likes Received:
    113
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I had a similar situation at your age. Father very ill mentally and I was closeted ... and everything else.

    Are your brothers older or younger? and do you think they would be supportive if you came out.

    Your mum sounds like she is alert to something up with you which is nice to know..

    your poor sleeping is doubtless anxiety and getting too much thinking and worry

    Seriously though, sick parents can take their toll on you and I hope you are getting support within the family or outside the family
     
  3. danbyization171

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2013
    Messages:
    60
    Likes Received:
    0
    Unlucky that you had the same. And yeah im closeted well kind of closeted my mum and my oldest younger bro know that i am questioning. And both bros are younger than me im the oldest and as dad always tells me i should be looking after my bros. Yeah over the last day or two shes got an idea that something is up with me and well id rather she didnt keep asking me whats up tbh. And yeah ive noticed they can take their toll and erm depends what you mean by support??
     
  4. bingostring

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2008
    Messages:
    2,083
    Likes Received:
    113
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    If you are the oldest son, from my experience ... there is a lot of pressure put on you to be 'the man of the house' and its a lot to take - so you gotta look after your self

    By "support" I mean do you have best friends you can lean on/ talk to about any of these issues. Or an aunt, uncle, cousin?

    Otherwise its all just rattling around inside your head. You need some support structure so you are not carrying all the family's worries on your shoulders

    The 'questioning' issues... What would be good is a trusted friend - outside of the family - you can talk to to help support these parts of your life?

    just ideas...
     
  5. danbyization171

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2013
    Messages:
    60
    Likes Received:
    0
    Yeah I've noticed that dad always kind of suggesting that I am the man of the house. Mostly when I'm at mums because of course he isn't there. And erm not really any that I would trust enough to talk about this kind if stuff and no all my family lives elsewhere its only us who live around here.
     
  6. danbyization171

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2013
    Messages:
    60
    Likes Received:
    0
  7. AKTodd

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2013
    Messages:
    3,190
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Norfolk, VA
    If you've already told your mom you're questioning, talking to her about it even a little more probably won't hurt anything. You might also look into any local LGBT groups or resources in your area that might give you someone to talk to about this.

    That said, I'm wondering if your orientation issues are the whole story here. Or at least if how they relate to your mom is the whole story. Tbh you make it sound like your questioning didn't phase her much or at all.

    The bulk of your initial post talks about your dad. And you imply that your sleep/other issues only really happen when at your dads or getting ready to go there. Is it possible that your main source of stress is your dads situation (which going there brings to the top of your mind), both in general and in regards to how (or if) you might eventually come out to him (either as questioning or as non-straight if you reach that point)?

    If this is the case, then outside support resources are probably still a good idea, just with a broader focus than just your orientation. But you might also want to consider talking to your mom, both to help her stop worrying about what is bothering you (because she is and you not wanting to talk about it is making it worse), but also to discuss how you can help with your family's situation. This lets you both have an honest discussion and potentially takes some of the burden off both of you (a burden shared is a burden halved, many hands make light work, etc.). Maybe you can take on some of the chores or shopping or something to make her life easier. Maybe you can both support each other. Maybe you both need to talk to an outside support resource (not necessarily the same one) to help you deal with this. Etc.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
  8. danbyization171

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2013
    Messages:
    60
    Likes Received:
    0
    I don't know I guess at the moment everything is just really confusing at the moment. I don't know what is up with me.

    And Todd I appreciate that you have replied and have typed all that up but what you have said makes no sense to me. Sorry.
     
  9. AKTodd

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2013
    Messages:
    3,190
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Norfolk, VA
    I'm sorry to hear that. What about it doesn't make sense to you? Or what parts don't make sense to you, if it's more than one thing?

    Todd
     
  10. danbyization171

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2013
    Messages:
    60
    Likes Received:
    0
    Well now that I read its starting to make a bit more sense.

    1. But I don't want to talk to her about it and trust me there's nothing like that anywhere near here we live in the sticks lol.

    2. And I don't know what you mean by if my orientation issues are the whole story. But I guess you could say they didn't phase her much because she didn't start shouting or yelling or anything like that but she didn't seem completely fine with it I mean I went downstairs told her while she was sat at the computer and I was stood up. I told her that I thought I might be gay and then she didn't really react she just asked some questions and then I went back upstairs and then later she came upstairs and told me not to worry about what I had told her and not to worry about telling dad anytime soon and then she went.

    3. And 4. I don't really understand what you are saying there.
     
  11. danbyization171

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2013
    Messages:
    60
    Likes Received:
    0
    Please somebody say something. Please I'm stuck I don't know what to do.
     
  12. AKTodd

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2013
    Messages:
    3,190
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Norfolk, VA
    Sorry for the delay. Not sure where you are on the planet, but for me your reply came in at 2:27 in the morning and your request for a reply came in at 5:34 in the evening. I was sleeping for one but saw it when I got up (didn't have time to reply because getting ready for work). Your second post came in while I was still at work.

    Will reply momentarily - hang in there.

    Todd

    ---------- Post added 29th Jul 2013 at 08:36 PM ----------

    Fair enough. You might check online, there may be some phone support lines. Also, if there is a Unitarian Universalist or Episcopalian congregation in your area they may have someone who has some training in counseling and who could offer support. Of course, EC is always here and we're all glad to offer any support we can. Just trying to be thorough and consider that a more face-to-face/realtime option might be helpful. Ok, moving on...

    What I mean is that it seems likely that the situation with your dad is very stressful for you. I know a bit about having a parent who is going through some psychological issues (when I was about 14 or so my mom had the first of what would be several nervous breakdowns and was institutionalized in the state mental facility and later a private hospital. I remember going to see her in the state facility with my grandparents. She was drugged to the eyebrows and just wandering around, pretty much out of it. She didn't recognize me when she saw me or for the entire visit. She thought I was dead. This was not fun.)

    On top of the basic issue with your dad, there is the issue of you trying to figure out your orientation. This is another source of stress, and often one that majorly consumes people all by itself. You may be feeling scared, uncertain, and very alone. You may be feeling like there's something wrong with you or that your plans and dreams about the kind of life you want are in danger of all going up in smoke. Or something like that.

    Finally, there is the issue you mention of being 'the man of the house' in a time of crisis or stress for your family. Unfortunately, it is very rare for most families to actually train the eldest son (or any child) to take on that role. So you may be feeling like you should take on some new role while at the same time being unsure of what (if anything) you should even be doing in that regard or what this new role entails. Again, another source of stress.

    Put all these together and you have a lot of stress. Stress can make it hard to sleep and can also mess with your appetite and other things. Given the circumstances, I would suggest that you might also be dealing with some amount of depression, which can also impact your appetite and sleep.

    Basically suggesting that one way you might help your mom is to take on some of the chores or stuff that she's currently doing. I got the sense from your original post that you are driving your brothers to/from your dad's and such so you can get around. Would it be possible for you to take on the shopping for your dad that your mom is currently doing? Even if she gave you a list and some money. That would free up some of her time and take something off her mind. Could you maybe do some of the cooking/cleaning/taking care of your brothers to whatever degree they need so that she wouldn't have to? Any such activities would start with you sitting down with your mom and asking how you can help and/or suggesting ways you could if she tries to just keep the whole load on herself (Mom's can be like that y'know).

    While this wouldn't really address your questions about your orientation, it might give you a way to 'be the man of the house' and take some stress off your mom and help with the situation with your dad. Sometimes one of the biggest sources of stress is feeling the need to do something but now knowing quite what.

    Anyway, just a thought or two. Hopefully this is clearer than my first attempt. Apologies in advance if I'm still not making sense or am totally offbase or you're already doing all this already or something. Just going off my feelings from your first post.

    Regardless, I and everyone else at EC are always available to talk or listen. (*hug*)

    Best,

    Todd
     
  13. danbyization171

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2013
    Messages:
    60
    Likes Received:
    0
    That is exactly it that is just it i mean last weekend i started losing my appetite and the weekend i severely lost my appetite cus the sunday when i was dead on my feet i skipped breakfast but mum and dad made me eat lunch lol. And are you sure about the depression bit? :icon_sad:

    And by the way i'm posting from the UK so it is about 07:25 here right now and i got to go to work in 30 mins. Also by the way i can't drive i'm learning to ATM though so mum takes me n my bros up to dads at the weeekends not me. And i guess i could help round the house for my mum a bit more but im at work all day mon - fri and dont get home till bout 6 in the evening. Plus because i can't drive mum takes me to and fro work atm.
     
  14. AKTodd

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2013
    Messages:
    3,190
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Norfolk, VA
    Certainly not sure about the depression bit. I'm not a mental health professional and you and I have had barely a single conversation after you allow for the extended duration due to being on a forum and time differences and such. But I find it useful to consider all the possibilities when considering a situation and depression is one of them. I don't consider it a particularly likely possibility but it is a possibility IMHO given the circumstances.

    I actually think it more likely that you are 'merely' highly stressed due to the situation with your dad and that the addition of questioning your sexuality (or having a hard time accepting your sexuality) is pushing your stress level up to the point where it's interfering with your sleep and appetite. I know I get definite sleep issues when I'm under extra stress, either personal or from work or whatever.

    An obvious way to reduce your stress level is to help you accept (or at least become less stressed about) your orientation.

    You said in your initial post that deep down you know you're gay but just can't admit it. What makes you feel you're gay and what about being gay (assuming you are of course) makes it hard for you to accept/admit it ?

    So you're about 5hrs ahead of me. I'm in Virginia on the East coast of the U.S. I'll try to do most of my posting during my lunch hour so it's not so late for you when you get it. Couldn't today because I went out to lunch with my partner.

    If you're learning to drive and working full-time (sorry I missed that on my first read thru of your first post), then you're doing what you can as fast as you can. Stick with it and do your best :thumbsup:

    Actually, looking at your original post, you did mention some stress about work. What's going on there? Maybe we can offer some advice or something:slight_smile:

    If you get a chance now and again to help your mom out extra, then take it (actually I'm sure you do that anyway:slight_smile: ). But don't stress that you can't do more than you can do just now. And being with your dad on the weekend is probably helping both your parents out as well.

    Hang in there,

    Todd
     
  15. danbyization171

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2013
    Messages:
    60
    Likes Received:
    0
    Well what makes me think I am gay is that I watch gay porn and I can't stand straight or lesbian porn tried watching it before but it just wasn't the same. I am trying to cut down on porn so most of the time I just fantasise and those thoughts always involve gay thoughts. I also like to finger myself occasionally and that just guarantees that I'm not straight. Also if I'm like walking through town or something and see a girl walking towards me wearing next to no clothes and making it obvious to everyone that she has boobs I won't be phased at all by it. But if a boy bout my age is walking through town with no top on I have to look I mean this one time where I saw a boy only a few years younger than me walking along with no top on showing the top of his underwear and I just had to look I looked away a few times so he didn't notice but I had to keep looking back and it kind of made me feel bad because he was younger than me and I could swear that I recognised but I have no idea where from.

    And I don't exactly know I guess it just scares me because I've never met anybody who is openly gay or at least who I knew was openly gay. And it's just the whole thing of it being different and not normal in a way.
     
  16. danbyization171

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2013
    Messages:
    60
    Likes Received:
    0
    Another thing which makes me uncomfortable with being gay is that you always hear how it's more dangerous as in STIs are more common in gay people especially HIV/AIDs I mean I know all about safe sex and that you should always use a condom (got some) but theirs always that chance.

    As for work well that's all fine it's just used to having to be up early every day and then working practically all day and not getting home till late every day and that is very tiring.

    And yeahp I am 5hrs ahead of you and if you can that would be great thanks.
     
  17. AKTodd

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2013
    Messages:
    3,190
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Norfolk, VA
    Hmm. Ok then. Based on what you describe about yourself, you do sound pretty solidly gay (Welcome to the tribe:smilewave ).

    Although the fingering thing has nothing to do with your orientation. Trust me, plenty of straight guys finger themselves from time to time, while plenty of gay guys do it rarely or not at all (me being one of them). I don't have statistics on this or anything (although I could probably find some with a bit of effort), but once while researching something pertaining to EC I came across a number of discussion boards and such that talked about straight couples doing anal sex, including couples that used toys or strap ons so the woman could stimulate the man.

    At the end of the day, there's very little difference between straight and gay sex practices if you're looking at the big picture.

    As far as meeting someone who's openly gay. Gay people are a diverse lot and can be very different from one another. There are gay guys who are somewhat or very effeminate and there are gay guys who are extremely masculine. And everything in between. There are gay guys who love shopping and fashion and gay guys who hate to shop and will wear pretty much anything if its clean (or at least doesn't smell too bad). And everything in between. And so on.

    The main thing to keep in mind is that being gay does not require you to change who you are or how you behave. Do what makes you happy and be comfortable in yourself and you'll be fine. :thumbsup:

    As far as being 'normal'. Normal is a very loaded term. A lot of people like to use it as a weapon or as some sort of ideal when discussing sexuality. But what is 'normal'?

    If you were left handed, you would not be normal. Not so very long ago, children would be punished for being left handed, literally hit by the teacher in school and shamed in front of the class for it. These days we don't care.

    If you were especially good at some sport, or especially tall or muscular you would not be normal. Would that bother you? Probably not.

    Ultimately, ideas about what is or is not 'normal' and whether normal is good or bad are entirely a matter of social convention. Meaning they are far from universal truths or have any objective reality behind them. You probably wouldn't be bothered about being abnormal if you liked a particular food that most other people don't. Why should you feel any different about liking guys, even if most other guys are into women?

    As far as STDs. Ultimately such things are driven by behavior, not orientation. I'll need to do some research on the numbers (don't have time right now), but since the religious right loves to talk about how being gay equates to STDs, I'm betting they aren't as bad as all that or is not the whole story). Even if they are, being straight is no protection against any disease. Engaging in (and insisting on) safe behavior is. And that is the case regardless of who you are having sex with. So ultimately, being gay doesn't change the basic reality here.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
  18. danbyization171

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2013
    Messages:
    60
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks for the welcome but you might say im pretty solidly gay but like i said i dont see myself as gay at the moment i see myself as questioning.

    But thanks for explaining all that its certainly answered a good few questions i had.

    And i hope that what you say about me being fine is true. I really do hope that it is.
     
  19. AKTodd

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2013
    Messages:
    3,190
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Norfolk, VA
    One way or the other, I'm sure you'll be fine :slight_smile:

    Best,

    Todd
     
  20. danbyization171

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2013
    Messages:
    60
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks

    I guess I'll find out this weekend while up at dads.

    Fingers crossed its not a repeat of last weekend or the weekend before.