Suicide: What is my hear trying to tell me?

Your heart's likely telling you that you know how upset those around you would be. Suicide can greatly impact those close to you, and even those more distant from you. People say it gets better — and it does — but I'll go into why it does:

-As you get older, you have more freedom in your life as you'll have the liberty to potentially move to other places and make a living for yourself
-What others think of you won't matter as much because of that
-People grow up and likely become more accepting. It's hard for one to become more prejudiced but easier for one to become less so
-Family will have less of a pull on you. They'll have raised you and been around you, but eventually you fully become your own person, detached from the nest, so to speak

To be dreadfully honest, it takes a lot of courage no matter what you do. It's very hard to take that step, but it's also very hard not to. Remember that, and remember that you're questioning this for a reason. You're stronger than you may think, and it's perfectly fine to lean on others. Life has its meaning and its reasons for things. Stick with what you can fix right now, and what you can't. Some of those things that can't be fixed for now can be fixed in the future.

If there are hard circumstances at home or in your day-to-day life, do what you can to minimize the harshness. Eventually, moving away, though hard, will become a viable option, and with that comes freedom to act more freely about how you feel and think about many things.

EDIT: talking to others about how you're feeling can help, as well. I encourage you to do so, whether that's to school therapists or counsellors, or to EC, or to anyone else.

 

"Am I just not brave enough to take my own life?"---First I'm going to say that that is a bullshit way to look at it. Killing yourself is the coward's and quitter's way out.

Almost every family has problems, but if suicide were the best way to deal with it, the world would be a much less crowded place.
Everyone feels lonely. You're 16, which means that you have years and years ahead of you to meet people and create connections and relationships.
While it might seem like you're being doubted and second-guessed by everyone, it's very unlikely that's the case. The people that speak what they're thinking might fit into that category, but that's only a small percentage.
Nearly EVERYONE will have someone not return their feelings. That's life.
I have friends who are Korean, Japanese, and Chinese, and assuming that family is as large an influence in Vietnamese culture as it is theirs, I can see how this one might be difficult to deal with. Some of them have been forced into arranged relationships were their significant other abused them physically and/or mentally, yet whenever myself or other people talked to them it was always, "I know, but my family..." Unfortunately I can't say more on that matter, because while I might try to understand, it's a mostly foreign issue to me, so what I say would just be useless drivel.

You shouldn't consider killing yourself over issues like this. Things change, they could better or they could get worse. But you'll never know if you just quit. Killing yourself is that last thing you should look at doing. Is there a way you can improve your position? Yes. #1 You can talk to your family to deal with these problems or you can leave your family #2 Talk to other people. Join a club. Go out more. #3 Stop caring what other people think and be confident in yourself #4 Get over it and find someone else #5 (Again, due to the culture difference, I have no answer to this one).
ALL of your problems can be fixed, whether by the few ways I listed or a multitude of other ways.

I'm not trying to sound harsh. Well, okay, I am, but I'm not trying to be mean. I'm not some person just saying "Oh, suicide is bad, cuz all this stuff says it is", I'm saying this because everyday for the past 3-4 years I've thought, "Should I kill myself today? No, and here's why." Obviously that's not exactly what happens in my mind but you get the point. I have schizoaffective bipolar disorder, which means that I live in a completely different world than most people. Hallucinations ranging from small sounds to people screaming into my ears as their heads warp inside and out, which can get so bad I can't move, let alone leave my house. Paranoia ranging from wondering why everyone is talking about me to (this is probably a bit of the hallucination, too) always having someone right behind me wanting to kill me, which, again, can get so bad I can't move, let alone leave my house. Mixed mania, a fun type of bipolar mood cycling where I can be manic and depressed during the same episode. Hell, I even developed a second personality in order to help myself differentiate between what is real/normal and what isn't. The list goes on.

No two people have the exact same reason for being suicidal, but no situation is so bad that there's isn't a better way to deal with it. And one final thing. As far as loneliness goes, there are thousands of people right here, all friendly, all willing to help.

 

It sounds like you understand that suicide is - in a sense - selfish, and you don't want to put your family through the pain of dealing with it. The good news is that you're a good person, but the bad is that you're suicidal (which you already know). Try doing one of the things Luthan suggested.

 

There's a reason we are all given a life. To live it. You really cannot waste this precious gift that is life. And who knows? If there is such thing as afterlife, it may be that you have worse problems. Is that a risk you're willing to take, Azrael? And what about your family? What would they cope with the best: a dead son who killed himself for a reason unknown to them; or a son who's to live his life as a gay?
You also seem to have a great future ahead of you. You're a smart guy and that's something 80% of the population can't be called. I have no idea what you wanna do when you are older, but whatever you do you will excel at it. Well, not if you kill yourself you won't. You are a great friend, to me and I'm sure to your proper friends. And that makes you a great person. And in this day and age, your town, your country, your continent... This world really can't afford to lose you.
You may disappoint your parents living a life they didn't expect you to, but no more than killing yourself.

Az, don't kill yourself. There's a reason you couldn't jump off that balcony or step in a bus's way: you are not meant to die by killing yourself. Not yet, not ever. Obviously you will die, but don't let it be because of yourself. Stay strong. And smile like this

 

The thing is that you want to be seen as you are, so be sure that people see you as you are, in this life. For as an afterlife there hasn't been any profe that such a thing excist , so you can better think that there isn't any, then that there is a better world.
When you talk about your funeral, you talk about mourning people, but they would mourn for a son they never realy knew. Take your life in to your own hands and show everybody who you truly are, make yourself be seen. The very best of luck with that(*hug*).


19 years ago i was in sort of the same position as you are in now, i did a verry serious suicideatempt, i hanged myself in the Woods, so that my parents wouldn't find me. I also planned my funeral into details. Luckely i was rescued by two runners. I worked on myself for a long time, and now i help people with my experiences, so i know what i am talking about.

 

I pray my family never see this but when i was your age i had the Exact same feelings, though not in the same situations as you.
My parents didn't know till i was 18 and they turned out to be fine with it, but at the time, living in the part of the city i live, you could never be sure who was and was not okay with it. I was also depressed about my appearance, awkwardness and other factors.

I never took it as far as considering it on the bridge or bus stop though, for the same reasons you listed and also another reason which is gonna make me sound like a twat but there is a reason at the end.
I was reading a book series, a long book series that i fell in love with when i was 10 (it helped me with my dyslexia) and went on for about 54 books. Whenever i felt at my most depressed and thinking of my family didnt help (usually after a family argument) that i Started considering it again i would think "if i did do it id never know how that series end's" which sounds ridiculous even as i'm typing it. But again there is a point.
From there i would think of all the other things i wanted to do or finish doing. at the time being between the age of 14-16 it was stupid stuff like that, wanting to finish watching a certain tv series or film, reading a certain book or playing a certain video game.
But as I got older it became bigger things, like exploring London for the first time, or getting my first pay check to buy stuff for myself with my own money.
A big one though was wanting to go to a gay youth club or gay bar for the first time and meet real glbt people like me. Which Incidentally was the scariest 2 and half seconds of my life (after coming out to my parents of course), but after that i met a nice group and though we've lost touch now ill always remember them as my first TRUE friends that knew the real me.
And, on the odd occasion that i still get those feeling i think of all the stuff i want to do now that ill miss out on if i see it through: I want to learn Japanese so i can visit Japan and communicate with everyone. I want to write my own story if i can ever come up with a plot and stick to it, to get my own place and fill it with all the stuff I want to fill it with.

What im trying to say is that no matter how tough life gets you should see it through because as far as we are aware there is only one life to live and so much to do and see, and so much we can do to make it a better place for the next generation. even if its just being there for each other to talk to whether online or in the pub/youth club.

I hope ive helped and not just sounded like an absolute dipstick :icon_redf

 

The thing is, you may want it, but yet you don't. What I mean is, your mind wants to take all the pain away, but then your heart and soul want you to live on so that you can continue with the pain. It wants you to endure the pain so that you can carry the burden and then be able to use the strength you gained through the ordeal and carry on everything else. I know that I myself had the same thoughts once before. I once actually picked up a knife and purposely missed.

What you need to do is try your best to endure. Because if you can make it through. Life gets just a tad bit easier. Trust me. Something or someone will come along and it just makes you get the adrenaline to get through. Just a burst of energy can get you far. Good luck with this Az. (*hug*)

 

Please. Don't do it. It's not an act of strength, it's a cowardly act which traumatizes those left behind. You're better than that. Your family doesn't deserve that, especially if they're already having problems. A family member of mine killed himself a while back. It took me over a year to recover. And I wasn't even really close to him.

Right now, you may not feel like anything's gonna get better, but chances are that they will.

You said this (underlined words are mine):

"My family has problems: things might get better, or you'll move away, or you'll learn how to deal.
Loneliness: you'll go to college, get a job, etc. You'll meet people, don't worry you will definitely not be lonely all your life. (I was lonely, too, but not anymore after I went to college!)
Being doubted and second guessed by everyone around me: You're young, as you grow older and more self-assured, as well as gain more control over your life, that'll go down a lot.
Someone I really love never returned any of those feelings: Well, there are many fish in the sea, but you won't catch them if you stop swimming!
My parents are homophobic, and I'm the only son in this entire generation (I'm expected to marry and have many kids otherwise I'm a disappointment): though one. This one may or may not get better, I can't tell. But if everything else improves, don't you think you could handle this?
"

Just please don't kill yourself. It's the most horrible thing. Honestly, I want to be a police officer one day, but one of the things I'm most apprehensive about is being called to a suicide scene. I can hardly imagine anything worse.

 

I realy get offended when people say suicide is cowardness, cause that doesn't help, it doesn't help to regard to his feelings of guilt.
Azrael, try to focus on the beautifull things in life, things that make you happy, and don't think big things, cause happiness is mostly in litle things like a good book, good music, a nice moment in the sun, nature, animals, lots of things. Focus on the positive things and try to notice them more and more, expand your happiness. Then you will find that your strength is inside of you.

---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2013 at 02:50 AM ----------

i wanted to post these dutch lines, in difrent threads cause it reflects on the subject

You have to sail on the winds of today
Yesterdays wind doesn't get you futher any way
Toworows wind might stay away
You have to sail on the winds of today