So I do apologize for the number of times I've posted about this and for the existence of this thread- this is something that's been eating away at me for the past few weeks and quite literally, it's almost all I can think about. I'm not planning on coming out as transgender to my family for some time. Ideally, it wouldn't be until I'm in college and either on my own or have somewhere to go, and wouldn't be unintentionally outed until I'm both mentally and financially ready. This might be more of a vent than anything. Lately I've been really dysphoric and have been doing my best to socially isolate myself from family. I live at home, don't get out much. My only outside help's a support group that I'm only able to get to sporadically. Every day, I'm reminded that the clock's ticking. That once I come out, there's a good chance that my family will reject me. It might be paranoia and worry over anything else- might end up coming out and find out that my mother knew all along. I suspect otherwise so I've spent the past few months trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst. It's killing me. I suspect my mom's only ever going to accept me if I'm the feminine doll she raised me to be. She's warned me on a number of occasions to "not get any ideas from Grey's Anatomy" (which featured an FtM character on one episode), "better not be butch", "don't you dare be the male in the relationship", "you're too feminine and pretty to be butch", and etc. Maybe on some level she suspects what's really going on and she's, in her own way, trying to cling to who she thinks I am. I tried so hard to be who she wanted. Tried to be her daughter. Tried to be a woman. I feel like a failure because I had to turn out to be a transman. And I wonder why I couldn't have just been born a ciswoman, why I couldn't have just been happy with my body in the first place? I'd never have to worry about this, my mother's acceptance would've been guaranteed. I voice these concerns to others, about coming out and fearing my mother's rejection. The usual response is "screw her, be yourself." It's the right answer and I can't move forward in my life if I don't come out, if I keep living a lie to appease her. But I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with the fall out. So that's why I'm making this thread. I'm terrified of the future. Of the day when I come out and what'll happen after I do. I don't want to be alone but I fear that's going to be the ultimate conclusion when I do. :help:
I've noticed that parents are very perceptive. They just know stuff. I've been asked questions like, "Why do you want to look like a boy," and "Don't you ever hang out with girls?" Then, once in a while, I get, "You should grow your hair out," or "I think you'd be really pretty with makeup". And like you, I tried. I forced myself to "like" being female. I pounded myself into the dirt because I kept telling myself I was never going to be a man and that I should just be a girl. And, actually, I had a conversation with my husband recently about this. We were talking about my gender and possibly transitioning, and he asked me if changing who I am would make me happy. I just said, "I wish I could change. Then it would be easier, but it wouldn't make me happy." He seemed slightly confused, so I elaborated. "I wish I could just be a girl. It would make things easier, but I wouldn't be happy." I think you've got the roots of a pretty solid plan though. I definitely wouldn't come out yet if I were in your shoes. I, too, would wait until I'm able to live on my own. Hell, I live away from my parents, rarely seeing them, and I'm still scared to come out, no matter how badly I want to. That said, I encourage you to be yourself. Be strong. Look at yourself in the mirror and smile. Your mom can only stop you from being who you are if you let her. The power is in your hands the second you take it away from your circumstances. You are wonderful, and most importantly, you are you. If your mom sees how happy it makes you to be the way you are, she will eventually have to understand, or I would draw the conclusion that she's selfish and doesn't care what makes you happy. Once I was out of the house, my dad realized that if he kept trying to control me, he was going to lose me, so he lightened up a lot. I really hope your mom accepts you at some point. I wish you the best of luck. Just keep your head up. There's a wonderful brain in there. (*hug*)
Thanks Jade. I think at this point, knowing how long I plan to keep in the closet, the stress is mostly keeping this under wraps until I'm able to finally reveal the truth. As you said, parents are perceptive and while that may be an advantage for me in the long run (so that the revelation doesn't appear to come out of left field), a bit unnerving to deal with now. The dysphoria comes and goes and it's frustrating not being able to clue anyone in at home as to why I'm feeling the way I am, since hard as I try, hard to slip a mask over everything, especially when worst comes to worst. So I just hope, in the end, once I come out, that understanding can be reached. Part of it's not knowing exactly how my mother's going to take the news. On one hand, she's said some pretty transphobic shit. On the other, would she really be willing to reject me if I wasn't the person she thought I was and raised? Suppose the point's moot since I'm not coming out for some time, depending on if I can keep in the closet without getting outed by then... Still. Thanks for your insight. I needed to hear it. Sorry it took so long to reply. Augh. I'm a butt about responding to anything.
Good luck to you. I'm so sorry that you have to question whether or not your mother would support you. In situations like yours it seems like a lot of people wait to come out until they can support themselves. And it does seem very wise to do so. I wish you the very best.
Thanks. Just wish it didn't have to be something I had to question or worry about in first place but suppose that's just part of transitioning- cutting ties with the unsupportive and striking out.
Man, you are 18. You know who you are, you know what you want in your life, you know how to achieve it and you have decades to fulfill your dream, to make mistakes and to make everything better again. What more do you want? Enjoy the knowing that all your life belongs to you and it's up to you what you will make of it. If your mom rejects you, you will have many chances to show her that she did't lose her daughter, that you are the same person you always were. You will be ok.
As much as I wish I could say all mothers stand by their children no matter what, it just isn't true. The beautiful thing is that there are complete strangers willing to embrace and support you. You just have to find them. I know that it didn't take a whole lot of looking for me to find a church that embraced people of all sexualities. They even hosted a support group. It's people like that that can help when we are deserted if we are. hopefully you won't be deserted though. Hopefully your mother will embrace you.
Thanks. I mean, I could at this very moment have the power to run off and transition (assuming I can support myself). But never really stood up for myself before and I suppose, even knowing I'm free to find people who will actually support me no matter what I end up doing, that I haven't yet been able to grasp the reality that yeah, my family/mother could potentially reject me. :\
