I've stumbled across a problem, I'm not so much sure if this post is asking for help or just letting me express some things but we will see how it goes. So I don't DO emotions...or at least I didn't. For as long as I can remember I've blocked them all out. I understand Angry, Sad and Amused. I've been working on this problem recently, but the range of human emotion is lost on me, I have begun to feel new things but I have no idea what they are most of the time and have to make a fairly uneducated guess or spend ages rationalising it. At any rate, I THINK I'm lonely. I don't know for sure, but I think I am. Having been quite happy sitting at my computer on my own for as long as I can remember, this one is very new to me. I had a girlfriend once, which was nice I guess but LDR annoys the heck out of me so it went down the drain. I think I would like that again but I'm not sure. I was talking to me friend this morning and all I could think was that I wanted SOMEONE, girl, trans, guy, whatever to cuddle with. As long as I want them around and they are cute, I think I would be happy...or it could irritate me like it did the last time. It's confusing! But there is also part of my brain that held up all these emotional walls for so long that thinks that wanting someone cute to cuddle is pathetic and seems to be trying to convince me that I should stay the course... It also doesn't help that I really wouldn't know where to begin finding someone, nor would I know what to do if I DID find them and wanted them, and worse still would be far too uncomfortable to DO anything about it if I did. :icon_sad:
Have you ever been emotionally attached to anyone or anything? A thing, an animal? Or to a hobby? If you are afraid to open up and show emotions in front of people, maybe you could start with something not so challenging? Do you have any idea why you are behaving that way? Have you been hurt?
First off, welcome to EC, you couldnt have found a better place to express what you are feeling. Lets get straight to the point, Emotions are core to our health, and being healthy. We rely on 4 pillars of health to feel connected and balanced in our lives. Physical, Mental/emotional, Spiritual/energetic, and Social/connection to others. What gets in the way of these things is what is called shame. Which easily defined is the feeling of not being ________ enough. Good enough, smart enough, promoted enough, straight enough, whatever enough. And when we talk ourselves out of that it is, "who do you think you are?" I know your dad never accepted you as being gay, I know you lied this one time, I know you cheated on this one test, your a fake, your a lier, your a little nelly fag! Sound familiar at all? What is amazing about shame is it is such an intense emotion, almost like a crippling warm wash of fear and anxiety all at one time. What is essential to becoming resilient to shame is vulnerability (the ability to do something without knowing the outcome, or how things will turn out). While vulnerability can sometimes disappoint us and shame can stem from it, it is also the ONLY path to joy, love, creativity, meaning, and happiness (true happiness). What is funny about vulnerability and shame is that they both are scary as hell. When you fear vulnerability, because of the fear of not being good enough, you are numbing. Its like saying, here is depression, fear, anger, anxiety... I dont want to feel these things, so I wont. Give me a beer, or a debit card, or lets gamble, or have meaningless sex, or whatever. Ironically, what happens over time is that the disengaging of vulnerability does not make us feel less, it actually makes us feel more. When we numb, we squelch whatever we are going through, bottling it up, till the time comes that we feel disconnected and miserable..... So we have a beer/ whatever your numbing trigger is. And so the cycle continues. I know you dont like the idea of emotions, but I know that you have them, and I know that you probably dont feel good when you deny them. They're there, and they will find a way to trickle up, and when they do, as I am sure they already have seeing as how you have posted this thread, Im sure they will be quite negative at first. What I think you should do, is probably seek the help of a licensed professional, someone who is interested in helping you through your problems, not just medicating them away, and allow yourself the gift to be imperfect. We are always here for you, and there is no emotion that you are going through that I cant empathize with. Trust me, I know better than most what you are going though, as I have been through the exact same situation. Sending much love, and encouragement!
