Weird, uncomfortable relationship with friends and family since coming out.

Hi guys! I'm finally back to EC after a slightly more prolonged absence than I would have liked. As some of you already know, I'm out to my immediate family and a few friends. While they all claim to be accepting of me and my sexuality, they all seem really uncomfortable around the subject of homosexuality in general.

To give an example of how they're all acting weird, last week when I was in the car with my mother, brother and two of my sisters, Macklemore's 'Same Love' came on. Up until then we had all been having a conversation and everything was normal, then as soon as the music started this awkward silence descended upon us and lasted at least 5 minutes after the song had ended. Also, when anything gay related comes on television, even shows like Modern Family, my mother immediately changes the channel.

In a bar with my friends a few weeks ago one of my friends referred to something as being "really gay" and was immediately, and not so subtly, given a nudge and a dirty look by one of my other friends in the group. That same night, we discussed the possibility of a camping trip and one of my friends, who had seemed the most accepting, said "I'm up for it on the condition that you don't go all Brokeback Mountain on us" I assume he was joking but I was pretty horrified that he'd say that and now I'm really questioning whether I should ever have come out at all because since I've returned home it's made everything so awkward and uncomfortable.

Have any of you gone through a similar situation? I could really use some advice because I've reached a stage now where I'm avoiding my family as much as I can and I'm screening calls from my friends and ignoring their texts just to avoid this horrible, tense feeling I get when I'm around people now.

 

YES! Its really awkward right after you come out. How long ago did you come out? If its a couple of weeks/months then its just to be expected and it will only get better from here out.

The thing that happens is that its usually in your head. When we are in the closet, we are used to either ignoring or acting a certain way around "gay stuff". But after being out all of the sudden everyone is expecting some reaction either from you or your friends. You wonder how you should react, if you are reacting the correct way, or even wondering why people seem to be making it such a big deal.

The best thing to do is to talk about it and not ignore it, else your family and friends will take the que to ignore anything gay related since you seem very uncomfortable with it.

In other words, they are waiting for you to tell them just how you want the topic to be treated. Are you okay with some jokes? Are you okay with talking about it? Can they check people out with you? When is it okay to talk about it?

As little as these things are, they are waiting to see how to tackle it since I'm guessing you are the first LGBT person most of them know in a personal level.

So, talk to them about it! If the jokes make you uncomfortable then tell your friend in private. If you want to watch Modern Family, then tell your mom. If you want to talk about more stuff with a friend, then let them know.

Give your friends and family a chance. Don't ignore them

 

^Thanks for your advice! I came out to my family 6 months ago and my friends 4 months ago so I guess I kind of expected everything to be normal again by now. But I came out while I was living overseas so I guess they've only really had me around for the last 6 or 7 weeks or so it probably is still early days right now.

The main reason that it frustrates me is that I've talked about it at great length with them when I was coming out and the first night I came home I met up with my friends and the subject came up and we talked and joked about it for a while and I set out some pretty clear ground rules as to what is o.k. to say and what is really pushing the boundaries in terms of offensiveness (i.e. they've twice referred to it as a 'choice'), yet it seems to have fallen upon deaf ears.

I guess I need to talk to all of them about it again and give them another chance, but it just kind of seems like this is just the tip of the iceberg. If my family and closest, oldest friends seem this weird about it, it's quite worrying to think of how everyone else might react when I decide to come out fully.

 

They are your friends, tell them this! Ask them why they keep using the word and ignoring your plea to stop. Maybe ask if this has also been awkward for them and ask them why. Maybe you guys can start understanding each other better and be able to help each other.

How long do you think it took you to completely understand and accept yourself? I'm guessing a decent amount, right?

Well, just think of how hard it has to be to understand and accept everything from an outsider perspective. Its hard!

Give them time! They love you, they support you, and they are willing to try. As much as it fucking sucks, because it does, try and be patient while you are firm about what you want from the relationship.

It might also be worth thinking about reaching out to some sort of support or social LGBT group around your area. Being able to vent and whine about these types of things with other LGBT people that "get it" is incredibly relaxing.