So I ...think... that for the most part I have accepted I am gay, when I first labeled it, it felt so natural-like "yes I'm a lesbian" and it fit, but there are days every now and then, like today, when I just feel like I'm lieing, like my feelings aren't valid for some reason. I know that there isn't much reason for it, but I still feel that way. Background -I have never had a boy friend (gf was never an option in my mind growing up) simply because I wasn't really interested in dating. -I do tend to get along better with guys when I first meet them because it has always been less nerve racking, (never for any foreseeable reason before realizing I may be lesbian) -prior to my realization that I was into girls most of my romantic fantasies involved hetro-relationships and I had no sexual fantasies unless I forced them, which was awkward. *now I fantasize about sexual relationships, always girl of girl, and my romantic fantasies are following suit -I easily get butterflies when looking at pretty girls (what I used to think was anxiety because the majority of girls whom I have been friends with have treated me like shit) -I sometimes get butterflies when looking at a guy but it's usually a celebrity and I usually like the character more than the actor (aka personality) -male anatomy is a big turn off... like I just don't get what's attractive about a penis (not trying to offend) -I labeled myself fairly quickly, it was after 2-3 weeks of solid questioning where I was googling and actively paying attention to my physical reactions and analysing them (which probably isn't healthy...) that I just basically came out (here) and said :***: it I'm a lesbian -I have had depression for years but i feel like i have mostly gotten over it even though I still have breif depressive episodes (1week-2months) -I have severe anxiety (frequent panic attacks) -I have trust issues when it comes to forming emotional bonds of any kind -introverted -rock bottom self esteem that causes me to second guess everything I feel and do because I have this irrational belief that I am always, always, wrong, I just feel like I'm cycling through the questioning, denial and self acceptance stages of coming out some days. Which doesn't make much sense, and I realise that looking at my list but for some unknown reason i just feel like I'm wrong... the last 5 bullets are probably why I feel this way but it still sucks. Writing this helped, though. Hugs and sympathy are always welcome. Sorry for the long post. Thanx to anyone who reads it
Got my hopes up with this being about biking. Somebody will have an answer for you Don't worry. I don't, because I've never been in your situation, but HELL - I have SHIT TONS of hugs for you.
I'll take all I can get, thanks for replying TJ, I'm feeling better today than yesterday. "Cycling" is a term I've used since I first became depressed to describe a plethora of negative thoughts that I can't stop from swirling in my head over and over. I forget sometimes that it's my term, not the world's! :lol:
Hehe, even I thought it had to do with cycling It's a nice use of the word though - I like it. Coming to the topic, I remember when I was 17 and it was a really confusing time for sure. I started thinking about this when I was 14 or so - or maybe even 11, except I didn't think 'like that' - I didn't know anything about it, but I did know it was something to not tell anyone. I had a dream that I kissed a girl when I was 14 and I told a friend at school and she was really disgusted. Other than that I never shared anything with anyone. I kept hoping/wondering about whether I was or wasn't, sometimes happy at the thought and sometimes scared of it but mostly just like you, I just wanted to know for sure so that the 'cycling' would stop I'm just sharing this in case it helps you to read it - I first felt 'sure' when I met another gay person (a boy) at college, and just seeing someone in person who was outspoken about being gay made me think okay this is real, and I'm happy to be 'like him' because I liked him, and I felt fine. But I was still slightly confused - I experimented with a random guy, and then I felt 'pretty much' sure. And then when I fell in love with a girl, my first girlfriend - after that I was 100% sure. Yet, years later (as I posted elsewhere) sometimes I wonder whether I'm a lesbian or bisexual maybe? It's not crazy confusing like it was when I was young, but it can be a bit confusing. What I'm trying to say is that at some level these questions are always there. If you're in a relationship then you can feel more or less certain but what you're actually certain about is the person. Still there'll be signs - like if I see a cute girl my reaction is different from if I see a cute guy, which tells me a lot. Don't let the confusion overwhelm you, basically. From what you posted it reminded me a lot of how I used to feel. Get involved with LGBT events if possible so you can talk to people face to face, and just see whether you share interests, stuff like that. Keeping things inside your head can make them a hundred times worse.
:lol: thanx! It does help to hear that someone else felt the same. The only person I know who I outspoken about being gay is.... somewhat of a personality clash with me and I don't really know him. I do have a couple of friends who are bi but they don't advertise and it would likely be awkward to talk about. I haven't told anyone about how I'm feeling and so I don't have access to LGBT events in my area. My parents are a little overbearing and therefore they want to know what I'm doing/where I am at all times, so it's not really possible to get involved without outing myself. I love this website and it does help a bit in terms of helping my thoughts slow down so I can process them. I really hope it gets clearer with age. That would be so nice. I do get what you mean by different feelings when looking at cute girls vs cute guys!
Hey, Yelena! Gosh, I wish I would've spotted this thread earlier because I know exactly how you're feeling. And I love the term cycling, as well because it describes how I feel often. I tend to wonder if I'm really bisexual with more of an interest in women. However, now, that I'm older, I'm sick of all the questioning!! I thought things would get easier, but I have my days when I'm so confused that I prefer not to label myself. I get that you're still young, so with age, I think you will feel more confident about being gay. And eventually the cycling will settle down and or cease completely. I think meeting people who are like you will help you tremendously. But until then, just relax and give yourself time to become more comfortable with who you are. It has taken me 5+ years and I regret trying to change who I am. It did more harm than good, but things are a lot better now. And instead of focusing on the things that make you feel like you're not a lesbian, try to focus more on your future. Who you can picture yourself with/out? Is it a man or a woman? For me, I've been in a long term relationship with a man before and it did not work out. I have made so much progress with self acceptance that I can't even imagine being with man ever again. I think that's enough rambling...if you ever wanna talk, I'm here
Thank you pinklov3ly! You always have good advice on my posts! I have been thinking a lot, too much probably, but maybe I need to focus on what I want in the future rather than just the vague greyness of it. I was never that girl who dreamed of her future/perfect boyfriend or her dream wedding (I understood that I had to wear a dress, it would be pretty, and there would be cake. I was more excited for the cake.) but maybe I need to start, substitue bf for girlfriend! Until last year I never focused further than getting into university. That was scary enough to cause panick attacks, now I feel like my entire life is gaping infront of me like the open waters that nemo sees at the beginning of the movie. I was always told not worry, not to get close. Now that's all I see and it's terrifying, but I kinda want to go swim in it. It just sucks when the open waters cause me to cycle through everything I've ever misjudged, got wrong, or screwed up. It makes me think "well if I got all of that so horribly wrong, why should I be right about this?". I really hope things get easier with time, they haven't yet. But hopefully soon. It's lucid moments like this where I can analyse my life and not feel horrible, I need this to happen more often! :lol: thanks again for the awesome advice.
