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Pronoun usage with trans or geneder non-conforming man. Help please

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Parsley, Aug 18, 2013.

  1. Parsley

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    I'm out now (yay!) and have started frequenting LGBT spaces, mostly bars. And there is something I realize I don't understand and it feels terribly rude to ask in person.

    There are frequently individuals that are gender non-conforming, which obviously is no surprise. But I am genuinely unsure when an individual is a trans-woman, and when an individual is a gender non-conforming man. Obviously the details of someone else's gender identity are exactly none of my business except for the fact that I am then left very confused about what pronoun to use both as I speaking with someone, and as I'm later recalling meeting someone. I do not wish to offend anyone by assuming incorrectly especially since everyone has been so welcoming to me.

    This recently became a problem when I was trying to tell a group of my queer friends about a person (whose preferred pronoun I could not guess) I'd met and I was in the middle of the story and realized I did not know how to refer to the individual. This individual and I had a brief and entertaining conversation but did not exchange names so I was unable to refer to this individual by name in my story.
     
  2. wity

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    sometimes you can try to make it so you can use the word they. I hate it when people call me he, so when they don't feel comfortable calling me a she i tell them to try to use they or they're
     
  3. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    Rule of thumb, use the pronoun of the identified gender. If someone's a transwoman- female pronouns. If they're gender non-conforming, "they" tends to be the acceptable gender neutral pronoun and can use that unless another is given (such as zhir/zhim)

    When in doubt, ask politely what pronouns are preferred if not otherwise stated.
     
  4. Gen

    Gen
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    This is really only a question that can be answered by him. It should always be perfectly reasonable to ask someone what pronoun they prefer to be referred to if you have your doubts. If you were unable to raise the question in the short time of just meeting someone, I would just tell my queer friends exactly that. Its alright to be unsure; you can always ask him later.
     
  5. suninthesky

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    They is a good alternative. Even though not technically grammatically correct, I can see it evolving into a common gender neutral pronoun in the coming years.. in an ideal world.

    I don't think anyone would really find it offensive if you flat-out ask them what his/her/zir preferred pronoun is. Doing that could make all the difference to trans* people and cis people should be impressed by your consideration for trans* people's feelings. :wink:
     
  6. BMC77

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    In a way, it's surprising that hasn't happened yet. They is also handy for times when writing about a generic person (that is, unknown if that person is a he or a she). But, as my English 201 (writing) professor said, they is wrong when used in the 3rd person singular. That mistake was one reason my first paper came back so slashed up it looked it was bleeding to death.
     
    #6 BMC77, Aug 18, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2013
  7. Parsley

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    Thank you for your help, everyone! I was too uncomfortable to ask my queer friends about this in person because I didn't want to look like an idiot.

    So asking pronoun preference is really an okay acceptable thing to do? Even if I'm wrong and the individual does not identify as trans, and instead cross dresses while identifying with masculine pronouns? I really am clueless, but I'm trying. I promise.
     
  8. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    Yeah, believe me, it's fine. Sure, it can be awkward but in my book, it shows you care enough not to risk misgendering someone. It's something I wish more people would do.